Here we go again. Last week I posted the Top Ten Acceptable Horror Remakes so I thought it would only make sense to follow that up with my list of the ones that are not worth the time it takes to watch them. The biggest problem I had with this one was narrowing it down to ten. Most of these are on the list simply because the production was unnecessary. So instead of calling them just bad, I will refer to them as the:
10. The Haunting (1999) – I know many of you are fans of this one but I just didn’t find it entertaining. I love the original and found this installment to be little more than a mishmash of CGI and a nightmarish one at that. The cast was interesting but that didn’t save it for me. I was honestly bored through most of it and still don’t see the point.
9. The Wicker Man (2006) – I am a Nicholas Cage fan for the most part and didn’t even hate his performance in this film but overall it was completely useless. I find the original (which ranks right up there for me) chilling and spooky.
This one seemed to fall flat and miss the purpose altogether. Plus you get to see Britt Eklund doing the hot little naked dance number in the classic. Who needs another version once you see that?
8. Carrie – (2002)I’m bending the rules for this one as it wasn’t in the cinema but I have to. Brian DePalma’s screen adaptation of Stephen King’s classic first novel is iconic and truly frightening.
The religious imagery and the performances of Spacek and Laurie are perfection on screen. Any remake of this film easily fits into the “what the hell for?” category.
7. Night of the Living Dead 3D (2006) – Wow, I didn’t even get this one. It was obviously just a jaunty way to bring in 3D. For that reason alone, I find it entertaining on a purely geek level cause 3D anything is fun to watch. But if you remove the gimmick, there is no film.
The story is absent for the most part and makes no real sense at all and you can tell they didn’t care to make it make sense. Every scene was either a 3D shot or filler between the 3D shots. As much as I love the balls-out acting of Sid Haig, I think he should have stayed home from this one. It does him no favors.
6. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) – This is where it will get controversial for some. I realize that. But come on? Can you honestly say you believe this film is worthy of being called more than a sequel? Hooper’s timeless classic is grueling and disturbing. There is a surprisingly low amount of actual gore but you don’t realize that while watching it.
With all the horrors taking place on screen, you feel like it’s there. Nispel just sits in the corner and showers you with blood. The horror element is replaced by a non-sensical backstory weakly explaining away Leatherface’s bloodlust. The best thing about this film is Jessica Biel’s hotness…but that can only go so far. And R Lee Ermy, cause he is just fun no matter what.
5. The Amityville Horror (2005) – It’s not that this film is perfect or even that I would call it an untouchable classic. Mainly my issue with this one is that the story is scary enough without having to wade through gore.
Apart from that, the babysitter was all wrong and disturbingly inappropriate to name just a few issues. I could go on and on because I really hate this film but I won’t bore you any longer than necessary. Suffice it to say that the book is better than both and I recommend it over all. But at least the original captured the element of the pure ghost story that it actually should be.
4. The Omen (2006) – I have little to say here except that I don’t even see why this film was made. Absolutely nothing original was brought in and there was no reason for it to be made.
The original is perfect. A new cast and an update are useless and a waste of effort. I like most of them separately but not here. It doesn’t get better than Gregory Peck for this role.
3. The Fog (2005) – What the hell was this all about? I admit I have a soft spot for Carpenter’s original film but even without that,I just didn’t get this movie.
I was bored and annoyed through the whole thing and the additional back story is laughable. It looks as thrown together as it was. Watch the first one and try to forget this travesty ever took place.
2. House of Wax (2005) – For the love of all that is unholy, I can’t believe this muck ever found it’s way on celluloid. Vincent Price is worthy of worship in the annals of horror and this is like burning down a church.
Not only was a brilliant storyline completely thrown out the window in favor of something trite and boring but loads of goo and heavy-handed symbolism left me drowning in the melted wax.
The effects were cool, but when you have nothing to back that up, it’s a waste of time and money. Besides, we already saw Paris Hilton in a horror film all her own.
1. Psycho (1998) – Here we are once again at the coveted slot of number one. Well in this case, I guess it probably isn’t as much coveted, but still number one. Anyone who has the balls to attempt to remake Hitchcock is foolish right out of the gate, and Van Sant is no exception.
Psycho did for showers what Jaws did for the beach. But to make it even more pointless, he decided to do a frame by frame remake outright telling us that it could be no better than it already was.
SO WHY DO IT? The only thing added to this mess was the visual of Norman Bates masturbating while watching through the peephole. This scene did nothing but cheapen the entire affair. We all know why boys watch girls undress. We don’t need to see it. And Anne Heche? Sorry. I can’t even understand the draw there. Norman’s dead mother had more meat on her bones.
Well that was a long hard ride. I expect some of you will disagree. That’s okay, that’s what being a fan is all about. One last thing. Once again I would like to give an Honorable Mention. This time though, it’s for a film that hasn’t even been made yet.
But even if it hasn’t been done, I must bring up Rosemary’s Baby for it would surely have made my Top Ten. Simply imagining how painful that will be is enough for me. I don’t even need to see it to call it pointless.