Every year, I make two very special lists for the loyal and attractive readers of horror-movies.ca. The first is my Top Ten films from the previous year which is an absolute pleasure to write. The second list is my horror film preview of the year to come, which also being a fun assignment, it is a heck of a lot of work. This year life got pretty hectic in Poppascotch town, and it took me all the way to the end of January to watch and compile all the movies in my end of the year list, which is admittedly a bit late. So, I figured that this year I would get a jump on the end of the year list.
A reasonable way to do that would be to take notes on all the horror films I watch over the year and maybe revisit them later on when it comes time to write the list. Or, I could just write it now and guess what’s going to be in the film. I barely even glimpsed at the synopses of these movies. I can’t even read, everything I write is dictated. Poppascotch is a stupid baby. HEY! WHAT DID YOU WRITE! That’s what I thought. Now on with Poppascotch’s top 10 films of 2012!
10: The Raven (Dir: James McTeigue)
You haven’t seen majesty until you’ve seen this sequel to Dragonheart where a gigantic Raven fights a massive dragon, both of which are voiced by Sean Connery. Battles take place in a massive cemetery, on top of the highest mountain in the world, and in some kind of mall where there is a whole lot of property damage which looks super awesome. They try to shoe in a love story which doesn’t really make sense considering one of the characters is a gigantic Raven and the other is a human, but in a weird way, it kind of works. But admittedly, it only works because the female lead is played by Lindsey Lohan, who is then crushed by the Raven in a weird S and M scene. Spoiler Alert!
9: The Cabin in the Woods (Dir: Drew Goddard)
It takes some real courage to release a horror movie with Ironman, Captain America, Scarlet Johansson, and that large Viking guy no one cares about. What confuses me is that there weren’t any cabins at all, and even less woods. There was a lot of explosions and witty banter, but I don’t know if I had too many whippets in the parking lot or what, but it didn’t even seen like a horror movie at all, it seemed like a summer blockbuster filled with super hero ridiculousness. Oh wait, never mind, this is the other Joss Whedon movie. Shit.
8: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (Dir: Timur Bekmambetov)
As I’m sure everyone knows, this is a documentary about Abraham Lincoln and how he used to moonlight as a man that killed vampires. Obviously, as the 19th president of the United States, he represented the North in the United States Civil War and was an extremely paramount figure in keeping the union as one united country, which I suppose is more important than his past as a vampire killer. This movie shows insurmountable feats of courage by the filmmakers for not focusing on Lincoln’s achievements, but instead the extremely true saga as a man who kills vampires. I wish more filmmakers had this courage, so we could get the true story about how Franklin D. Roosevelt defeated all the duplicate Santas’ at the battle of the North Pole or when Chester A. Arthur triumphed over the Super Mutants at the battle of Bethlehem Pennsylvania. We all have our wishes.
7: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D (Dir: John Luessenhop – 2012)
You know, I had no idea that Leatherface originally came from an Amish family, but I guess that is the reason why we have prequels/sequels/reboots. SPOILER ALERT: OK, so I’m going to ruin the entire backstory for Leatherface, but this news is way too good to keep secret. Apparently, Leatherface grew up with a very strict Amish upbringing, but his Grandfather would sneak him away to a bowling alley where he actually became a great bowler. One day, a down and out ex professional bowler stumbles upon him and decides to make him his protégé. Well, I won’t spoiler the end of the film for you, but everything works out. And Bill Murray kills it as a rival bowler.
6: Warm Bodies (Dir: Jonathan Levine)
I was actually kind of surprised to see this film on Cinemax on demand in their Late Night section, but I’m not one to pass up a good opportunity to see a new film. I have to say though, this one really wasn’t much of a horror film at all. In fact there wasn’t a whole lot of plot at all. There was definitely a whole lot of nudity and simulated soft core sex scenes, but there weren’t many good kill scenes. In fact, I don’t remember a single death scene, or even an antagonist. Well there was this one girl who was being a real bitch to everyone but she eventually learned the error of her ways, by getting viciously boned. Literally. 3 out of 5 stars.
5: Dark Shadows (Dir: Tim Burton)
Well, like everyone assumed, this movie was a brilliantly insane visual masterpiece that just kind of slightly missed the mark story wise. It almost seems like Tim Burton, while wildly successful as far as the box office is concerned, there is always an issue with writing in his films. While none of them are ever badly written, they are missing a certain something. I can’t explain it really, but just like all of his films, Dark Shadows just kind of slightly missed the mark and barely fell short of being a great film. One of these days, Tim Burton will surpass his best film (Beetlejuice, as if I even needed to type this) when he finally meets his soul mate writer.
4: Mother’s Day (Dir: Darren Lynn Bousman)
Well, for starters, I didn’t expect the movie to be a shot for shot remake of Twelve Monkey’s at all. I mean, the name of the film is completely different, none of the same actors are in it, and it’s made by a completely different movie studio. So yes, this was a bit of a surprise. It was also a pretty bold move to shoot the whole film on iphone cameras, but hey what do I know right? I’m not a filmmaker, I just criticize the extremely hard work of hundreds of people because it’s easy and for some reason, I feel as if they deserve it. While these people are making films and putting various pieces of art into the world, I sit on my butt and play videogames. I’m comfortable with all of this.
3: Scary Movie 5 (Dir: David Zucker – 2012)
Scary Movie five could be one of the greatest comedies associate not with only the horror genre, but also with the entire history of cinema. They have completely reinvented the horror comedy genre in ways that none of us could have ever imagined. It sure wasn’t a contrived series of ridiculous jokes that have no continuity and involve topical humor that is already 8 months old. Nope, no way did that happen at all.
2: World War Z (Dir: Marc Forster – December 21st, 2012)
The best part of this film was that it was a 12 hour epic that essentially shot the book page by page without any compromise. Matt Brooks’ book was a great example of how the zombie genre could continue on as a new and fresh genre when you tell the story from a completely different perspective than just a small group of survivors who are holed up in one small location. Glad they didn’t completely screw this up by loosely following the book when it was convenient and making a bad The Walking Dead clone.
1: Promethus (Dir: Ridley Scott- 2012)
This was the best movie that ever existed.