It’s been a while since I decided to watch a film based entirely on the films potential cheese factor. Scrolling through the available movies on Crackle via my iPad, I came across this little gem. I use the word “gem” loosely of course. Essentially, Candy Stripers is a Skinemax film dressed up like a b-horror movie. But is it any good? Well…
Here we are in a rural town. A white pick up, driving late at night. There is a blind girl, she’s not driving. A white honda accord is flipped over ont he the side of the road. The one who can see knows immediately whose car it is. Good thing white Honda Accords are not that popular…moving on. She yells at the 911 operator before deciding to investigate. Turns out it’s not a simple car wreck. Something kills the driver 9of the truck, not the Accord) and attacks the blind chick.
The blind chick lies comatose in the hospital. We take this chance to meet our candy stripers and the horny doctor who wants to fuck them all. Candy Striper #1 sits with the blind girl all night. Is this really a job? It should be noted she is wearing some wedge shoes that would make your average stripper green with envy. Anyway, she falls asleep and blind girl wakes up. She asks Candy Striper #1 to kiss her because she’s dying. It’s a low budget Skinemax flick so Candy Striper #1 complies. This doesn’t turn out as hot as you would think. Some alien, green, phallic shaped protrusion passes from the blind girls mouth to Candy Striper #1. Blind girl dies, Candy Striper #1 is suddenly very horny.
Nearby, a local traveling high school basketball stops at rival high school for a the cliched “important game.” Needless to say these high schoolers are all in their mid-20’s at least. Also for such an important game why are there only five guys on the team? I think you have to dress at least seven players for a game. Plus, none of these guys looks like they have any skills. And who travels in jeans? Having been part of a few organized teams I can tell you that not once did we ever travel in t-shirts and jeans.
Matt is the good looking blond guy and the captain of the team. His girlfriend, Krystal (yup) is of course, the head cheerleader. She decides what Matt needs before the big game is a good old hummer. He’s thankful but was hoping for the full monty. Not until marriage, hey, at least she has principals. Also along for the ride are Joey, Matts BFF and Joeys sister Cherie, who would gladly throw her principals out the door for Matt.
The game is going rather smoothly until the last few seconds. Tied, the teams get physical and a riot breaks out. I hate when that happens. Even then the ref refuses to call a foul. Let ’em play! Good call refs. Matt winds up breaking his leg being suplexed over the back of another player (still not a foul). He gets carted off to the local hospital. The same one that has the Alien penis/ Candy Striper problem!
Matt is still unconscious for some reason. Turns out his best friend (Joey) and one of the other players is there as well. Must have been a hell of a riot. His friend is admitted to the hospital…with a broken wrist. The other teammate has a concussion – and he’s the one up and walking around. Cherie is there taking care of her brother, wishing she was “taking care” of Matt. She also takes a break to inject herself with something. Heroin? Insulin? Turns out it’s the latter.
The green alien thing keeps being spread between various Candy Stripers and nurses – with sexy results! For some reason, the evil ladies are storing the men in some sort of closet. They are covered by cob webs. Aliens? Spiders? Here’s more boobs! Wait, what were we talking about? Matt is awake. He realizes something isn’t quite right with this place after catching Candy Striper #2 having her way with Joey. He asks Cherie to call his girlfriend. Dude that’s just not cool, you know she likes you!
Not-so slutty girlfriend shows up and they try to escape. It turns out that this thing is pretty wide spread. But that doesn’t stop Krystal from deciding now would be the perfect time to get her v-card punched. Women! Now here’s where the film gets a bit muddled. They keep going up and down between the ground and third floors. Cherie has a “She’s All That” moment where she gets really hot by taking off her jacket. There is a sub-plot with sugar and the babies in the hospital that is more confusing than anything. Cherie figures out insulin kills these things. Good thing the hospital has plenty on hand and nifty little guns to shoot the insulin into the baddies.
The chase continues. Turns out Joey is infected due to his little tryst with #2. Cob webs begin forming on his head and he looks a little tired. He’s hanging around on the third (contaminated) floor infected nurse offers some nicey-nice. Despite his current condition resulting from a similar previous encounter, he accepts. She quickly bite his schlong off. I hate when that happens. It’s by far the best visual in the movie, though. Although, if you are going to have a penis biting scene, milk it for all it’s worth, just don’t blow through it. He he he puns.
The group, now just Matt, Cherie and Krystal, decide that the best way to deal with this thing is to blow up the hospital. Seems like a logical plan. Of course that means they have to pass though the infected area again. Turns out by this time even the ugly woman doctor is infected. I guess it’s like a night out at the bar. You start out at the top and just keep working your way down the ladder until you find someone that’s game. I digress. Krystal winds up getting infected. The building gets blown up. It collapses around them, luckily the rescue workers, after 8 hours of looking, are able to find Matt and Cherie cuddling under a thin layer of rubble. Makes me wonder where they were looking before. Everyone is loaded into ambulances, even a nurse that also happens to be alive. The ambulance pulls away and said nurse asks the EMT for a kiss! End movie.
Candy Stripers in theory is not a terrible idea. In execution though, not so good. It seems like a great hour long idea stretched to and hour and forty five minutes. It could have been a decent Masters of Horror episode. Hey, remember Masters Of Horror? Anyway…for a Skinemax feature most of the acting is pretty good, especially from Tori White as Cherie. The film looks pretty good. There are some great shots of the hospitals hallways and some visual creepiness. Otherwise it’s not even remotely a scary film. It’s not the worst way to spend a night either though. Pop open an ice cold, frosty, adult beverage turn your brain off and enjoy.