I was recently watching – for the millionth time – The Return of the Living Dead. For me, it’s a classic as I saw it for the first time when I was about 12, so it’s been burned into my psyche forever. Some would say traumatized. Whatever, I love this movie. My favorite scene is the first zombie kill with a pick-axe.
I realized that it has a dual purpose; it’s not just for breaking up tough clay and soil, it can be used to kill zombies, or the living I suppose. Lightbulb moment – garden tools kill list.
Here it is . . . .
My Bloody Valentine 3D – Spade.
This is one of my favorite in recent memory. It was totally designed with the 3D effect in mind. Brandy gets a spade jammed into her mouth, splitting her head in two so hard that the force embeds the spade in the beam behind her. The best part is when the top half of her head slides down towards us in glorious 3D. Priceless.
Return of the Living Dead – Pick-Axe.
“Frank, when he comes out, you brain him with that axe.” What a great line. He’s talking about the corpse in the freezer of the medical warehouse who is pounding on the other side of the door. Not really knowing what’s going on, they brain the aforementioned corpse. BUT despite a pick axe to the head, he’s still not dead, so they cut his head off with a hacksaw. Nope, not dead yet. This is a great scene because it’s a great near kill and defies all the rules of the zombie movie.
Friday the 13th – part 4. Three pronged hand weeder.
This one is awesome. Not just the average one swing, one kill. This poor guy simply gets butchered. Jason stabs him like, what, ten times?
Dead Alive – lawnmower.
An improvised device, is this. Just a little something he knocked together to take care of the zombie invasion. One of the goriest scenes ever.
Friday the 13th, part 5 – hedge clippers.
Not to be a one trick pony, Jason shakes it up with some new and inventive weapons. Such as the seemingly innocuous hedge clippers. Two teens out in the woods are enjoying a post coitus moment when Jason steps in. He’s all about the moral fibre; these two just had pre-marital sex AND smoked some weed. He kills the boyfriend with a barbaric strap around the head after he wipes out the girl by stabbing her in the face with a pair of open hedge clippers. Brutality rules in this one.
Pieces – chainsaw.
This ominous weapon has carved out (pardon the pun) its own niche in the horror genre. This is a great scene where a pretty college girl gets it in a washroom cubicle. The saw cutting through her torso is disturbingly real.
Friday the 13th part 7 – weedwacker.
Jason is back at it. Instead of using this industrial whipper snipper for trimming the garden, he uses it to gut that weasel psychiatrist. This dude had it coming, and we were all waiting for it. Fist bump for Jason.
The Burning – hedge clippers.
Getting stabbed in the throat and pinned to a tree with a set of hedge clippers isn’t the best way to end the night. Especially when you thought you were going to get some action.
Friday the 13th – part 3. Pitchfork.
It’s more of a farm tool than a gardening tool, but what the hell. Fox, the loudmouth of the motorcycle gang, gets pinned to a beam inside the barn. Through the neck with a pitchfork. She’s suspended quite high off the floor, so this is also Jason grandstanding a little. You know, just showing us how strong he is.
Garden Tool Murders – lawn mower.
Cheesy effects, but a different way to go. Buried in the ground and having your head taken off with a lawn mower is a lousy way to get your ticket punched.