A few months ago, I caught wind of a modest little SciFi horror love child between ALIEN and it’s secret mistress, A&E’s STORAGE WARS, by the name of STORAGE 24…
Yeah, yeah… We know all about this movie, don’t we? Of course we do! For those of you who haven’t seen this trinket of shit from across the pond… Lucky you. I’ve seen better movies on a security camera at an automated canning facility during the winter months at midnight… Its that boring. Let me put it this way; I ordered this movie on Amazon.com, but my spider sense told me to rent it on Vudu… ya know, just to be extra sure I wanted it in my collection… When I was done staring at the screen, my reeling mind was trying to process the incredulity, the misappropriation of cinematic resources… How can a trailer so cool lead to this nonsense?! Sufficed to say, I cancelled my order faster than Ripley slapped the cornbread out of Bishops hand (if you don’t get the reference… meh, that’s impossible). For the record… I NEVER cancel an Amazon order.
But, Mr. Sin?! How can you be so harsh?! The special effects were awesome! It takes really skilled writing to make a single setting environment work! What makes you qualified to bash this POS?
True, the one special effect they looped was pretty cool; the one where we see a pair of latex covered spandex leggings hobbling above the frame chasing after our hapless troglodytes was epic… ly terrible. As for the setting? Yes, when I think of claustrophobia and tension the first thing that springs out of my mind, like the chestbursters this movie wishes it could have also ripped off, is a row of storage cubicles. Oh noes, where could the creature be? Is it in C3 with the Tom Jones albums and old Pez dispensers?! No, no… Something tells me its in B5 beneath the layers of dust and Garbage Pail Kids trading cards!
Now aesthetically, the movie is devoid of anything even remotely unique, obviously, but you would think the creature fabrication would be the one area the production would respect! Newp… This creature is so fucking cheap, you’d actually suspect the effects crew made it out of dollar store placemats melted down, reshaped and painted with Crayola’s knockoff brand markers. What? The animatronics were decent? My son has remote controlled trucks with better servos than the paper mâché-looking crouton that thing called a head! Granted, it takes a lot of work to create a monster design.. You have to draft a concept, sketch it, digitally or traditionally sculpt it, detail it, fabricate it to scale, fine tune it to the actor, paint it…. Yeah, I’m pretty sure none of these steps apply to… What is this thing called anyway? The storage monster? The extra terrestrial biohazard storage beast?
So, the setting was a dud, the creature was a joke… What about the characters? Its no surprise Noel Clark saved all the good lines for himself since he also co wrote this cinematic mistake. When I say good lines, I simply mean lines that come off as natural… Not plausible, or relevant… just naturally delivered shit dialogue. Trust me, there is a lot of overacting in this movie (COUGH! Insane, divorced misogynist living a storage cubicle. COUGH!) to compare against. Have you ever seen a movie where the dialogue seems fluid, yet completely ordinary, but then at a later event you discover that something said earlier that seemed trivial was in fact the heart of the movie? Yeah, this has none of that. Its as if Noel was sitting in his flat watching ALIEN on cable, fell asleep, woke up to RESERVOIR DOGS and said… “Eureka! I’ve got the writer’s eye of the tiger!” Then he sat down at his writing desk… Took a HUGE BONG RIP… fell back asleep, and woke up with STORAGE 24 on his desk.
If you like movies like TROLL 2 and POULTRYGEIST, perhaps this movie is for you, but if you watched the trailer and expect a high concept monster flick, you are so screwed.