If you’re anything like me, you woke up on November 1st in a haze of alcohol induced partying, a horrible hangover, and the remnants of several people’s Halloween costumes strewn about your living room. This is about the moment where you realize that the calendar is somberly reminding you that it’s the farthest possible day until Halloween happens again. For that one day, we horror aficionados were swimming in the delight that the entire population not only put up with our gore filled outlook on the world but in fact whole heartedly endorsed it.
It was a time when the outsiders were normal and everyone was happy, but now that’s all gone and people will continue to look at us like we’re weird because we enjoy horror movies during Christmas and Hanukah. Well, this is one is for all of you, here are five movies that will help you get through for at least a few more months.
November 10th – The Exorcist (Dir: William Friedkin – 1973)
It’s just past Halloween, you’re already starting to see Christmas movies popping up all over cable TV to get you in the spirit of buying things for your loved ones. We aren’t really emotionally ready to give up our sacred holiday just yet, so we have to go with a movie that will keep you filled with that terrifying Halloween spirit as long as possible, so why not go with one of the scariest films of all time? There aren’t many horror fans out there that don’t like the exorcist or at least hold a certain respect for it.
It’s like the Back to the Future for all the horror fans, it’s timeless, pop culture infused, and filled to the brim with terrifying and lasting images of green vomit and crucifixes. At least for a few hours, you can forget about having to hang the Christmas lights and order the turnkey for thanksgiving.
November 24th – Thankskilling (Jordan Downey – 2009)
Being that it’s now Thanksgiving (or for you people in every other country that isn’t the United States, another Thursday when you have to be at a work) why not take in a little culture and celebrate the most ridiculous Thanksgiving horror movie that has ever been made. Now, bear in mind there have only been about 3 or 4 actual horror movies dealing with the holiday of Thanksgiving, but none come with this amount of kitsch and ridiculousness.
In case you haven’t heard about this one, you have a few stereotypical characters filled out by a Jock, a nerd, and a Hick… etc and in this case, they are getting disposed by a mutated turkey. The movie looks like it was made for about 17 dollars and a case of beer, but surprisingly it doesn’t even matter, enjoy this one with some mash potatoes, some dry cold turkey and a sixer of Schlitz.
December 15th – Grindhouse (Dirs: Robert Rodriquez / Quentin Tarantino – 2007)
Everything on TV or at the local mall is shoving Christmas directly in to your face in order to get you into the fluffy holiday spirit but you know what, I’m not exactly up for that yet and I’m willing to bet you aren’t either. So if I may, I want to suggest a double bill film about a virus that turns people into puss puddles as well as a serial killer who gets off killing women in elaborately conceived instances of vehicular homicide.
Put together as a traditional Grindhouse film of the drive-in era, the faked film imperfections and the ridiculous and over the top plot add to a great throw back experience. If for nothing else, it’s three hours that you can joyfully kill in front of a fire, eating gingerbread cookies, and throwing eggs at your neighbor’s house.
Or if you are like me, send out a niece or nephew to do it, they will get in much less trouble with Johnny Law and you can pay them in Kit Kats.
December 25th – Gremlins (Dir: Joe Dante – 1984)
For me growing up, Gremlins was the film that personified Christmas for me. Well, this and Die Hard. This is probably why I spend my free time watching and analyzing horror films rather than work at a soup kitchen or in any way contribute positively to society. Well, whatever, you win some you lose some right?
Gremlins is a film that so perfectly embodies that small town Americana of a perfect Christmas and then infests it with small horrible animals from hell that will kill the shit out of you for funzies. The town takes on the living embodiment of a Norman Rockwell painting and then it gets completely destroyed.
If this doesn’t make you feel comfortable during a season of commerce and forced family bonding, then you probably stumbled on to this website by accident, so head on back to Town and Country and forget what you’ve seen. It’s best for everyone.
January 19th – The Signal (Dirs: David Bruckner, Dan Bush, and Jacob Gentry – 2007)
It’s already past New Year’s Day, and much like the day after Halloween, you have woken up surrounded by the left over pieces of people’s costumes (but not as sexy costumes, unless you had a New Year’s Orgy which I will go ahead and assume you already haven’t invited me to).
This is of course because you use any excuse possible to throw a costume party because they are an adult’s way of having fun and overindulging. So why not indulge in a great three act horror movie that revolves around a TV broadcast that turns 2/3rd of the population completely insane and the rest struggling to survive in a hostile world that seemingly lacks meaning.
Of all the films on the list, this one probably escaped you which is a complete shame. Its three part structure, which are completely different stories come together to form a perfect harmony of complete insanity. After you’ve been completely blown away by the fantasticism of three young directors work, you’ll come back to reality but that’s ok because Halloween is only 9 short months away and it’s time to start thinking about next years costume.