Interesting story!  I like how you use sentence fragments here and there.  Makes things flow in a different sort of way.     You have a nice way with descriptions.  My only advice would be something I learned from my Style Manual - to trim.  Make sure every word is necessary, and if it's not, let it go.

This is a story I am in the midst of called ~In My Heart Lies Darkness~

> just the main introduction

The two hands flinched toward midday on that sullen afternoon. Slowly a chime of the bells reverberated over the town. For one brief moment everyone stopped what they were doing. Listened with open ears to the beauty of the sound they resoluted. A peace descended across the entire of the town, passing the old styled library before resting swiftly upon the air.

Everyone in Harollds Town had for so long been plagued by a deep darkness, that for just a few moments was lifted away by the sound of those bells. Seemingly lifting the veil and bringing in the faintest of a silver light. Gave them some profound hope to which they could hold onto.  For all but one person. He was Dean Peters.

Like most of the towns people he had been plagued by darkness but of late nothing was lifting the veil for me. The darkness still cascaded around him, hovering over every moment of his wakened being. Causing a constant, still beating ache. Anger still steaming around him as he could not bear himself to believe they could have let go so easily. Could accept what was done and not feel a pinch of his sadness radiate their hearts.

In his mind, everyone in Harollds was worthless; useless. To him they weren't living but merely existing. His mind could not comprehend how they could no longer feel remorse for what had been done. Dean wished he could so sorely show them the error of their ways. Allow them to understand the hurt deep beneath that he alone felt.

His once blue sky eyes inflicted with a paled redness. Hands trembling like an unsteady tent amid a dark, brooding and intense wind. He constantly watched over the town, saw the smiles that passed between friends, laughter on the soft breeze. The happiness tearing him apart.

Some old friends of Dean's had attempted to tell him that they coped in their own way. That it didn't they no longer cared. Yet to him it was all empty; barren words. As far as he could surmise if they didn't feel his pain, they didn't feel anything.

From afar Dean could be mistaken for any regular man walking among many. His short jet black hair, the serious smile and his taut slender figure were nothing from the ordinary. But in truth he was anything but. The dark thoughts that swarmed him, clouded him like stars in a voidless sky, showed his much darker and truer nature. Showed the inner beast. Now everyone Dean had grown to befriend would not approache him for fear. Afraid of what would happen if they stayed within his presence.

Because his darkness had not lifted, he was in simplistic terms; Unapproachable.

The Big, Bad Wolf.

Utterly isolated.

But now having no-one to hold him back he had no reason to go on pretending that he cared for other peoples feelings. There was only so much he could rest on his shoulders and he longed so much to be free of the burden. Watching their solemn, carefree faces he began to think hard. His mind pouring over every miniscule detail, over every little pinpoint of his plan.

He knew now his destiny, what he had to do. All to aware that it was too late to save himself, but maybe he could save the others instead. "Yes", he thought with a dry sneer crossing his lips. With blackness in the fore of his eyes, "I'll show them the error of their ways" For Harollds and its people, the darkness was closing in on them...

^^ That's it LOL be brutally honest!

Hiya guys & honeys,

Having been on here for quite a while I have noticed that quite alot of you members have a really big love for horror stories, some of you even constructed your own novels and me being among that percentage.

Whilst I am not going to post any of my own stories on this space, of course, I thought it would be interesting to see what your writing abilites are. For example I could do a short piece on a new novel coming to translation and then other members of the board could bring across their opinion of how well it works, wherever I need to change anything.

I think on one level this is a fun post but it could be a good serious topic.

Thank you to all of you that reply x

--For the Hallowed Moon transcended across the gray of harshest ground, all around the world blew a strong but silent wind and as night took flight Marion Evan let a teardrop flow into the ocean beneath her feet. She wondered where darkness ended and light began--- <just for fun.