Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

azathoth wrote:
floridapossum wrote:

I would take a tact that has never been attempted before.  I would take my machete and wack his balls off.  I don't care if he's a kinda dead, kinda alive, probably immortal, evil creature.  He is definitely male, and wil be so traumatized about losing his balls, he'll fall to the ground crying his evil little eyes out.  Not only will said evil one be in excruciating pain, the sudden drop of testosterone will rob him of all his agression. 

Get er done!

As a representative of the male subsection of this board, I call 'Violation'. 

Ball carnage must be limited to kicks to the groin, little kids hitting balls into the groin, lawn rakes into the groin, midgets headbutting the groin, ferrets down the pants tickling the groin (it's what they do), and skateboarders trying to slide down a rail and split the groin.

Paid for by the Society of Intact Groins.

I agree, Florida's answer was a little cruel lol

Last edited by Suspiria_89 (2009-06-11 12:10:15)

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

Well, before I left for Camp Crystal Lake, I would make sure my car is working perfectly, and have extra batteries/parts for the car. Then, when Jason showed up, I'd just get into my car and leave. I'm sure as hell not fighting Jason, he'd kick my ass.

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

I of course would be one of the last few. being that I'm a smart sarcastic woman I have an excellent chance of survival.. or so many of my favorite horror movies would have me believe.. hopefully by this time Jason would be most exhausted from killing all the stupid people who : 1# have had really bad unprotected sex and then walked around in their underwear boasting of how good they are. 2# are all sluggish from all the dope they brought 3# people who go investigating 'strange noises'   ..  k? nuff said on that..

while he was killing all the 'extra" people I'd set a trap--dig a hole. let him fall in full of spears to impale him. and start chopping away.but maintaing my distance... absolutley no killer comes back from being chopped up in little pieces ( wait..except chucky )  but we are at Camp Crystal lake and there aint no Chucky vs. Jason ever ever EVER gonna happen !!

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

Suspiria_89 wrote:
azathoth wrote:
floridapossum wrote:

I would take a tact that has never been attempted before.  I would take my machete and wack his balls off.  I don't care if he's a kinda dead, kinda alive, probably immortal, evil creature.  He is definitely male, and wil be so traumatized about losing his balls, he'll fall to the ground crying his evil little eyes out.  Not only will said evil one be in excruciating pain, the sudden drop of testosterone will rob him of all his agression. 

Get er done!

As a representative of the male subsection of this board, I call 'Violation'. 

Ball carnage must be limited to kicks to the groin, little kids hitting balls into the groin, lawn rakes into the groin, midgets headbutting the groin, ferrets down the pants tickling the groin (it's what they do), and skateboarders trying to slide down a rail and split the groin.

Paid for by the Society of Intact Groins.

I agree, Florida's answer was a little cruel lol

Yes!  It Is!  big_smile

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

Okay, So a story of what I would do if I came upon The Masked One! Well from starters I would do what I always wish people would do in horror films. I would just sit and wait for him to arise. Like just be near some hot chick, but not to close, just enough to watch her from a distance, and start the waiting game, when he makes his move, I wiill King Him! For starters, I would have a 5 gallon bucket of Gasoline at the ready and drench him, then light the light, so he gets a bit distracted. Then, I would attempt to use a sledgehammer and get some mad leverage and give him a couple of HHH's to the Gut and nutz. After he is a bit dazed and confused, but not out I would then take my already sharpened Pole Vault Pole with a death point on the tip and from afar of course I would start stabbing him, making sure it goes thru with every thrust. Hopefully he will be wearing out a bit and after all that is said and done. Then, finally although this story seams well enough over the top, I will end it now with a M240-B, yes (Army issued), however I am in the Army so I can get one,lol and I have had much practice with this bad boy in Iraq, so with that I would just surely take hime down with a enough holes to make him a 50 pound masked killer. hmm

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

Problem is, that he always pops up behind people and you forgot to strap a proximity fused claymore to your back wink

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

If it's the Hodder Jason... this is simple... I get me one of these sweet Furry costumes.. and prance around and frolic and the like .... And Jason would just be like... "aww.puppy." and leave me alone. This is fool proof.. since everyone knows there's 3 things he won't do .. run, hurt children ,and  hurt animals... who wouldn't be fooled by a costume such as this??
http://www.desertexposure.com/200902/images/furries.jpg

Like no one else here has ever been fooled into "petting" the strange looking.. over grown talking rabbit before...

Of course ... could always go with plan b .. throw on an adult diaper and drool on myself... Choices choices...

http://www.britishblogs.co.uk/images/444366.jpg

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

Yeah..... right.......
Well thanks for the insight into your private life hmm

lol:lol::lol::lol:

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

If i were to face off against Jason, i would not run upstairs,i would not have sex,i would not drink or do drugs.... dammit... and then when everyone else has been dismembered and it's down to him and me... i would run for my god damn life and not look back.Hopefully being sober will help my balance and not fall.If that fails i would fight to the death, and i think we all know how that would end.

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

I'm not sure whether to laugh out loud or be extremely disturbed by the picture with the teddy bear and the man in a diaper.

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

That man, looks like Al Franken!:lol:

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

floridapossum wrote:

That man, looks like Al Franken!:lol:

That's because it is.

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

Well, there is a difference between what I yell at the screen EVERY time the counsellors think they've killed him ("Stomp on his head!!! Stomp on his head!!!") and what I actually would do.

I always thought Friday the 13th 7, where Tina fought Jason off with her telekinetic powers, was really effective. I mean, finally a fair fight... since it's pretty obvious at that point that Jason is more than just "sex nuts and retard strong" (as Randal so aptly puts it in Clerks II... okay that wasn't about Jason in Clerks II... but still, I think it applies)... so my point is, I think I'd need something supernatural to fight the speedwalking maniac off...

Being paranoid has its perks. Knowing that I'd be a counsellor at Camp Crystal Lake, I'd bring a bag of goodies just in case...  I would have a reproduction of Pamela Vorhees's head, her sweater, a blondish wig; an extra large sleeping bag; an axe; several paper standees, preferably from movies; wire, buckets, tar and glow-in-the-dark feathers (and a hot plate); a shovel; a nail gun; a boombox with recordings of my friends partying; rope; and a monkey's claw (just in case all else failed, so I could wish Jason back to Hell...)

You ask, why not just use the Monkey Claw right away and save yourself the trouble? We all know each wish you make on the claw balances its positive effect with something negative... maybe I'd wish Jason to Hell, and then get home to find out my grandparents had died in a muder-suicide... so like I said, last resort.

Okay, so there I am in my little cabin room... the campground is completely quiet, the last screams stopped only 15 minutes ago (and yes, I was hiding the whole time... cause apparently I didn't like any of the other counsellors, or am a total prude)... I'm shaking away in my cabin, pulling on the Pamela sweater and wig, and keeping her head to throw at him just in case he sees through my disguise. I turn on the partying sounds and start moving my paper standees around via strings (a la Home Alone). Jason can't resist.

He comes into the cabin. When he opens the door the bucket of hot tar I've set up there falls down on him, covering him and burning off what's left of his face. A bucket of glow-in-the-dark feathers follows... disoriented and annoyed as hell, Jason flails his arms in the air toward me, swinging his machete at me... but he can't really see through the feathers... he trips over a wire I've set on the floor... stabbing at the foot of one of the paper standees, saddened when that doesn't elecit a scream.

I am able to run around him so that he's no longer between me and the door. I try my best Pamela Vorhees voice and say to him, "Jason, you've killed enough of those counsellors now. You don't need to kill anymore. Mommy is happy." Unfortunately, I'm so nervous, I forget that I'm holding onto her head like a teddy bear. He's scraped off the feathers from his one good eye and sees through my facade. He lunges at me with the machete.

I jump out of the way and start running toward the woods, where I've set up some more surprises. Though I'm running as fast as I can, I can already hear Jason's heavy feet thudding maybe 100 feet behind me... I scoot up my rigged tree and wait for him there. It's not hard to spot him, the ghoul looks like a raver chicken (with his glow in the dark feathers)... I wait till he's just under me and I say "Hey meathead look up!" He does as told, and I drop my oversized sleeping bag over him and pull him up into a hanging position (I'm using levers... I'm not that strong, I know)... Once he's up in the tree, squirming and swinging around in the bag, I know I only have seconds before he cuts his way free. I kick him into the tree once as hard as I can, and as he swings back toward me I start hacking at the bag with my axe. His machete tears through the sleeping bag on only my seventh manic swing, and his empty eye stares at me through the slit. I grab my nail gun and start shooting, trying to tack the overall wearing deviant to the tree. The nails aren't enough. I get a few good punctures in, but Jason rolls out of the sleeping bag and picks himself up slowly to his full height. He towers over me.

I grab my shovel and try to bonk him over the head with it. He catches it mid air and lifts me with it. He throws me against a tree, thankfully I land about 20 feet away from him, which gives me just enough time to fish my monkey claw out of my pocket. I kiss the decrepit, smelly claw, close my eyes for a moment, then open them and scream "Go BACK TO HELL JASON!!! I WISH YOU BACK TO HELL!!!" He's only five feet away. The ground opens up beneath him and out comes Freddy's claw. The burn victim peaks up over the cracked, flaming earth, laughs and winks at me as he pulls Jason (fighting all the way) back into the flames of hell. As the earth closes up behind them, I hear Freddy say, "See you tonight!"

I'm so exhausted from the fight it doesn't even register. I lean against the tree and look at the monkey's claw. For some reason two of the three fingers that were standing up are down, when I only made one wish. The one finger that is standing up is a middle finger. I wrinkle my nose at it, but don't have the energy to do much more. I get up and stagger back toward my cabin. I fall asleep on my bed, and wake up to flashing lights. The cops have come, too late, as always....

(okay that was incredibly long, sorry!)

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

I'd throw a red headed canadian at him, let him deal with him and then assemble an army of Bruce Campbells to dispatch of him. I'm doing nothing, I'm just the one dispensing crap ass jokes.

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

If I was a Camp Counselor at Crystal Lake, it would be unfortunate.  If I had to square off with Jason, I would simply take one look at him or when shit started to get crazy, I would get in my car and drive as fast as possible for as long as possible.  I am not going to let Jason tear my shit up, nu uh

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

Hell, throw diaper boy at him.  That oughta melt anything.

Then Florida can cut his nuts off.

Edit:  Just noticed I'm near 1000 posts.  Do I get a cookie?   tongue

Last edited by azathoth (2009-06-13 10:55:35)

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

http://img140.imageshack.us/img140/1046/70223870.jpg, here's an whole bunch for you azathoth wink enjoy!

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

Well after every one dies, I would find Jason, Yell mean mommy jokes, run toward the lake, take out my pocket knife, and prepare myself for death (no way I’m goanna survive all of this). When he comes toward me, like 20 feet away, I would say some cool line, and let him come to me. As we collide, he is able to take a chip of skin out of my arm as I gouge my pocket knife into his eye and with all my weight I thrust myself at him and he both go into the water. Since Jason is afraid of the water I would guess he would struggle to swim witch gives me the opportunity to take his machete. I would begin to stab him remedially until I see no sign of getting up. I would start walking with horror, tiredness, and walk triumphantly when all of a sudden Jason jumps out of the water. Then I would start running (I am like Michael Phelps on land, trust me I’m fast and when your scared everything increases). Then I would proceed to a car, turn it on, and ram into Jason. He would fly flat on his back while I suffer whiplash. Dizzy, I pick myself up, get out of the car, and take the machete to Jason and start my stabbing conquest again. I notice his hand twitch so I grab the machete and run again. Like I thought he got up and was after me. I notice a cabin with a red cross and know that I need to get bandages for the machete wound from Jason. When I walk in to what used to be the nurses office I notice a tall needle, about 8 inches long with liquid in it. Jason walks in, furious, and runs at me the same time stumbling over chairs. I see he is very week so I drive the needle into Jason’s, what used to be, good eye. He falls on the ground and begins to seize. I pick up the machete and begin to stab him again. Studying the body I see that I may be free for one more call. I go to the nurse’s phone in the room and click in 911. I tell that People have died and I may be next if they don’t come. They would ask where I am and I would say Camp Crystal Lake. Jason wakes up right after I say that and I curse. I drop the phone and run outside only to be grabbed by Jason and flung across the room. Head pounding and sight being slightly off, I getup just in time for me to chuck my arm at him, but all that does is give Jason my arm to grab and once more, throws me to the other wall. I dropped the machete in the middle of the room. Unable to move, Jason picks up his weapon, and walks up to me. He is obviously mad at me for mocking him and his mom, bad call on my side. I look like a mess, blood running from my nose, blood flowing out of my mouth, cuts all over my face drizzling blood also, and the chip of skin gone from my left arm. I probably had browses on my back I didn’t know about at the time. Jason hovers over me scanning me. I fake dead by holding my breath in for some time and let him drag me to out of the room. When he is dragging I notice he was taking me to a cabin, probably where he put his dead corpses. He opened the door, threw me in, and then sealed the door shut. I couldn’t believe he fell for that. I search the bodies for something I could use to get either out of the cabin or kill Jason. I find a dead cop. He has a revolver with 3 rounds to go with it, a map of Crystal Lake, and a lighter. After doing that I look around the room seeing a tank of gas. So I pour half the gas onto the bodies and light then on fire. Jason comes two minutes later, so I grab the revolver and fire it till it is all out. Jason keeps walking toward me so I grab the tank of gas and pour the rest onto him. Then he comes at me and then I kick him into the firing pile of bodies. Running out of the cabin I turn around to see if it’s all right to rest. Then I see Jason coming out of the cabin immune to the flames on him. I am a good distance away so I take a quick look at my map and locate where I am and where I need to go. I see Jason and start running. He is a good mile away from me so I jump into a truck. The fricking car doesn’t start till the third key turn, but it’s too late drive away. Jason jumps into the back of the truck and starts to choke me. I put the car in drive and hope my plan works. He begins to raise his machete so I hit the brakes. He doesn’t aspect it and releases me, his machete, and roles out of the truck. I put the car in reverse and run him over. He begins to get up again so I ram him again forgetting what damage it gave me last time. Again I waist a car, again I knock Jason over, and again I’m dizzy. I get out of the car and conger all my power to pick the monster off the ground and throw him into the car. I buckle him up so he doesn’t escape, take him to the lake, light the car on fire, let it burn for a couple of minutes; see Jason start to get awake so I end my plan with pushing the car into the lake. Pay my respect to horror villains, and walk off into the distance dramatically and cool. cool

Last edited by Nick "the sick" (2009-06-14 21:35:06)

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

BTK- you the best!

Random bikini girl

http://www.sensualshots.com/sexy-pics/blog-up/victoria-bikinis/sexy-bikini%20(37).jpg

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

Well since I can't find any of my friends, you know, the slutty girl with the stoner boyfriend, the brainy(i.e. unattractive) guy, the "virgin" girl that the brainy guy lusts after, I decide to strip down and have me a nice hot shower(I know its safe because, unlike me, Jason has no interest in men showering, unless they just slept with the foreign exchange chick who was jogging on the trail, but I didn't so I am safe). I am going to ignore that "noise" I just heard, because its probably that "virgin" chick trying to get a looksy(she is soooo horny, but not horny enough to do it with mr. brainy). Now I feel bad for thinking about my friends like that, so I decide to give her a thrill, and walk back to my room naked, and dripping wet(I left the shower on because I like the room nice and steamy, good for the pores). While getting dressed in my room, miffed that no one is trying to steal a peak of me in my birthday suit, I hear the unmistakable sound of the shower curtain being slashed by a machete. Being well versed in horror movies, I again don't waste time saying "hello" or "who's there", nope I stealthily climb out the window, and hoof to the ranger's station. I don't stop to look behind me. I don't hide behind a tree. And I sure as hell don't scream for help. I just walk a nice brisk pace out of Camp Crystal Lake(got to watch those ankles, can't afford a sprain). I am pretty sure since I was stealthy and untainted by evil women, I will make it free and clear, ala Tommy. big_smile

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

If I had to faceoff against our favorite hockey-masked serial killer, I'd definitely fake stick-side and shoot on the glove side, top corner...everyone knows he's strong with his stick hand.  When he's hanging his head in shame after I score the goal, I'd twist my stick around so the razor-edge is prominent and lop off his head.
The dawn of a new Jason!!

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

I have Jason trapped in my closet. I need to get him out of here....All he wants is for someone to return his moms camp crystal lake tshirt and camp collection that warner bros. may have. And he will leave to cause havoc once again on another movie. PLLLEEAAASSEE HHHEEELLLPPP!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh Oh i hear the music .......damn did he get out?

Last edited by Soulcrusher (2009-06-16 15:20:56)

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

I would invite Jason to lunch at Joey B's and buy him one of Joey's Hockey Mask shaped hamburgers.

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

I would say to Jason, "HEY! Respect my authority motherfucker!" and I would kick him in the balls and break my foot. While on the ground I would be decapitated!

Story over big_smile, I couldn't take on Jason if I tried.

Re: Friday the 13th Contest!

jay_wigger wrote:

If I had to faceoff against our favorite hockey-masked serial killer, I'd definitely fake stick-side and shoot on the glove side, top corner...everyone knows he's strong with his stick hand.  When he's hanging his head in shame after I score the goal, I'd twist my stick around so the razor-edge is prominent and lop off his head.
The dawn of a new Jason!!

Hahaha! That's why Jason has that burn mark on the back of his neck.