Topic: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

Since the jokes have been coming thick and fast I thought I'd create a thread dedicated to them.

Anything dirty, naughty, close the edge and just plain funny/ awful, have fun and don't be a stranger. Hope you love this thread! cool
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What do women and tornadoes have in common?

A: They both suck and blow, then you lose your house.


If the dove is the bird of peace what is the bird of true love? The Swallow

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There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
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Feel free to add your own colourful jokes.

Since there as been a minor incident I have since edited this post to declare the rules:

RULES of the thread:

1. It can be naughty, sexy or dirty in a funny sexual manner without going too far.

2. Jokes on real life events re: 9/11 etc, I would appreciate not being used in the context of this thread.

3. Make sure there is no NUDITY, no porn related material or anything that is considered offensive to others.

4. No jokes on the diasbled etc, keep this thread user friendly please.

5. Conduct oneself in a respectful manner. Treat others how you would like to be treated.

(More will be added if deemed necessary)
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Thanks.

Last edited by BlackTequilaKiss (2010-01-16 14:14:30)

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doc explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrusts continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
"I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"
______________________________

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

deadhorse13 wrote:

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doc explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrusts continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

LMAO!! lol lol:lol: lol that was truly awesome!

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb. 
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a bikini
came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by.
 
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?   
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.   
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,
wearing a different colored bikini, taking her sweet time,
came walking toward them.   
Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
and started to walk away.
 
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'   
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'   
She replied,


'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? 

A: Dress her up as a choir boy?

*******

Q: What's the name of Bambi's mother?

A: Venison 

*******

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

A: Who knows its never been tried.

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

What's good about fingering a gypsy when she has her periods?

You get your palm read for nothing

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

deadhorse13 wrote:

What's good about fingering a gypsy when she has her periods?

You get your palm read for nothing

sooooo bad


A taxi driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: firstly, you have to be single and secondly, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?".

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." says the distraught cab driver.

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Steve and I'm going to a Halloween party".

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

LOL

How does a girl know if her boyfriend has a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallows

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

lol:lol::lol: oh you guys are so, so bad! lol

I love it! wink
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A Mississippi woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Mississippi arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck.

The Mississippi woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck.

The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mississippi woodpecker was in awe.

The Texas woodpecker then challenged the Mississippi woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully.

After flying to Texas, the Mississippi woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused.

How is it that the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Mississippi tree and the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

Q: what worse than a cardboard box ?
A: Paper Tits

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

A Girl's First Time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

What were you thinkin'? lol

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

Uh Oh,BTK what did we start?:lol:

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

deadhorse13 wrote:

A Girl's First Time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

What were you thinkin'? lol

good one

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage,
so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it.
One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed.
He thought to himself, "what should I do?"
"Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife.
Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth.
When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.
He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"
She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"  yikes

Last edited by deadhorse13 (2009-09-17 13:05:54)

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

MistressOf Horror wrote:

Q: what worse than a cardboard box ?
A: Paper Tits

To funny.:lol:

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

deadhorse13 wrote:

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage,
so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it.
One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed.
He thought to himself, "what should I do?"
"Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife.
Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth.
When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.
He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"
She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"  yikes

AH.A redneck joke.:lol:

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

deadhorse13 wrote:

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage,
so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it.
One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed.
He thought to himself, "what should I do?"
"Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife.
Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth.
When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.
He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"
She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"  yikes

lol So so awful but so awesome!! lol

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

A woman is in a coma and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman's vital signs jump a little. So the nurse calls the husband and says 'come down to the hospital, I think I know how to get your wife out of this coma.'
So the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do. The nurse says, ' I think that oral sex will arouse her enough to bring her out of the coma.'
So the nurse closes the curtains and leaves the husband with his wife in the room. Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered. The nurse, worried, asks him what happened.
The husband says, 'I don't know, I think that she started choking.'