Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And that’s when the fight started...

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

lol:lol::lol::lol: where on earth are you getting these they are so funny

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop masturbating.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

Last edited by deadhorse13 (2009-09-24 15:43:30)

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

one for morg -

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch lol

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

Thanks Dead big_smile

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

Puppymonster wrote:

lol:lol::lol::lol: where on earth are you getting these they are so funny

Can't tell ya hun, but here's another big_smile

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of
Bud Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that’s when the fight started....

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

lol:lol::lol::lol: I love this thread

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

Married Man Score Card
(NOTE: a score of "0" means it was expected of him)

Simple Duties
* You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5
* But return with beer: -5
* You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
* You pummel it with a six iron: +10
* It's her father: -10

Social Engagements
* You stay by her side the entire party: 0
* You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2
* Named Tiffany: -4
* Tiffany is a dancer: -6
* Tiffany has implants: -8

Saturday Afternoons
* You visit her parents: +1
* You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
* You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
* And the television is off: -6
* You spend the day watching college football in your underwear: -6
* And you didn't even go to college: -10
* And it's not really your underwear: -15

Her Birthday
* You take her out to dinner: 0
* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
* Okay, it's a sports bar: -2
* And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
* You give her a gift: 0
* You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
* You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
* You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
* You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
* You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
* With her credit card: -30
* And whatever you bought is two sizes too small: -40

* You forgot to pick her up at the bus station: -25
* Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
* And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

A Night Out With Your Pals
* You have a few beers: -9
* For every beer after three: -2 again
* And miss curfew by an hour: -12
* You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
* You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
* And not wearing any pants: -40
* Is that a tattoo? -200

A Night Out, Just the Two of You
* You go see a comic: +2
* He's crude and sexist: -2
* You laugh: -5
* You laugh too much: -10
* She's not laughing: -15
* You laugh harder: -25

* You lose the directions on a trip: -4
* You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
* You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
* You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close & personal: -25
* She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

* When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
* When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
* You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10
* She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

Last edited by deadhorse13 (2009-09-24 16:02:40)

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

A farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet and caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the farmer about it.

After the funeral, the minister spoke to the farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The farmer said: 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

another 1 for morg:

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to me, "'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." I replied, "'Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started...

edit - yeah yeah, macho LOL

Last edited by deadhorse13 (2009-09-24 17:28:53)

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!


Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses."

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

- You keep the ACE Hardware catalog with your other pornography.

- You were always disappointed that the book Of Human Bondage wasn't.

- Sticks & stones may break your bones, but that's an acceptable risk.

- You read Andrea Dworkin for the pornography.

- You call people other than your Father "Daddy."

- Reading the word spanking makes you blush.

- Your first, favorite scout badge was for knot tying.

- You moved to Oregon so you could wear more raincoats.

- Kitchen utensils are found in your bedroom.

- Tack shops: Not just for equestrians anymore.

- You own and use handcuffs, but aren't employed in law enforcement.

- Your contracts involve punishments, but no money.

- Your friends covet the bondage cross in your bedroom.

- You hear about a Bridal Fashion Show to be held in your town, and you think, "Cool! I've always wanted to see what pony gear looks like ON someone!"

- Your entire Music collection consists of music you can Scene to.

- You give a new song a rating of 65. It's got a good beat and you can squirm to it.

- You start to salivate and get aroused as you pass the local candle factory.

- You always smell like Yankee Candle's Scent-Of-The-Month.

- Canning season gets you *really* excited.

- You see a sign in front of a house that reads, Chairs Caned, and you stop to see if the poor guy needs a PERSON to cane.

- Citibank calls you because someone used your credit card to make a huge purchase at a tack shop in another state, and they know that you live in a metropolitan area and don't own a horse.

- You make your vacation destination decisions based on that area's Assault and Battery, Consent, and Sexual Deviance laws.

- Your Avon Representative politely informs you that the company has no plans to make that Eau de Leather scent you have been pestering them about.

- Your idea of Fantasy Island looks far more like "Exit to Eden" than anything they showed on TV.

- They know you by name, size, and favorite colors at four local leather shops.

- You need an 18-wheeler to haul all your toys to a party.

- Your son's Boy Scout Troop thinks you are way cool because you helped them earn their merit badge for knot tying.

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

Last edited by MistressOf Horror (2009-09-24 17:47:20)

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

It's not difficult to make a woman happy..
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5.. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate


45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48.. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls


51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

Q: What is a man's idea of helping out with housework? A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum. ...

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: They won't stop for directions.

Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.

Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.

Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

37 Reasons It's Great To Be A Man

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work .. more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. One mood, ALL the damn time.

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

20. You can open all your own jars.

21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

27. No maxi-pads.

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.

37. The world is your urinal.

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

Re: Caution! Dirty, Naughty Jokes Ahead!

How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.

Q. But do you know what 6.9 is?
A. A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts!!!

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.