Finally got around to watching this last night. And while I can't say I liked it, I can say I FUCKING LOVED IT!!!
Robert Rodriguez, man. I love this guy as a filmmaker. I honestly believe there is NOTHING this man cannot do.
I'll be honest. In the first few minutes of the film I found myself thinking...okay...car crash...chops some people up...enh. Nothing great so far. And then Steven fucking Seagal's standing there with a samurai sword. I got a...I'll admit it, I got a bit of a boner. Been forever since you've seen Seagal appear in an actual theatrical release.
And then you see DON JOHNSON! Fucking Sonny Crocket's in this flick! And then FUCKING DENIRO! Holy shit! And then Jeff Fahey, and while I already knew he was going to be in it because he was in the faux trailer from Grindhouse, I got a kick seeing his face onscreen anyway.
Then the trademark Rodriguez mayhem kicked in and I found myself very nearly orgasming on myself. And I actually did a little bit, when Michelle Rodriguez steps out of that ambulance looking like something out of Thriller: A Cruel Picture. I knew that woman was a knock-out but when she shows up in full on kick-your-ass costume -- the eye patch, the raven hair, those shoulders, that sexy tummy -- I have to admit, man, I had to fight the urge to run up to the screen and stick my face in her projected crotch. God...DAMN what a woman.
This is the first time in a long time that I have seen a film which I have absolutely no complaints about. I cannot see how Rodriguez could have made this movie any better.
I did think I was going to hate seeing Lindsay Lohan in it. And when she shows up, I did. I hated that she was in this movie. Then Rodriguez has her show up in a habit looking like something out of Abel Ferrara's Ms. 45 -- and I instantly forgave him.
I'll tell you right now, straight up, I'm getting my hands on a bootleg at my earliest convenience. I'm going to watch it several times. And when the DVD comes out, I'm going to buy it.
Machete was the best time I've had at the movies since...I can't even remember when. I loved every second of it.