Re: What are your favorite quotes of all time?
"You see those TV shows where they catch a fish and then let it go? They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something. 'Where were you?' 'I got caught.' 'Liar. Let me see the inside of your lip'."
"Dogs are forever in the push-up position."
"Advil has a candy coating. It is delicious. But it says right there on the bottle, 'Do not have more than two. ' Well then do not put a candy coating around it, for I cannot help myself. 'Let me have ten advil. I have a sweet tooth'."
"I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced on whether or not I have bread."
"I used to use drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
"I think Big Foot is blurry. That's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Big Foot is blurry and that's extra scary to me, because there's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the country side."
"I had this one guy sent me a picture of himself, and said, 'This is a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is a picture of you when you were younger."
"I think a rotisserie is a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It's a very scary piece of machinery. We will take the chicken, impale it and then rotate it. And I'll be damned if I'm not hungry, because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water."
"You go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunch meat section and you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna. Someone needs to tell the turkeys, 'Man, just be yourself'."
"I had an apartment in Los Angeles and I had a neighbor and whenever he knocked on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. And that made me angry because I like loud music. So he'd knock on the wall and I'd mess with his head. I'd say, 'Go around. I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing.
"I like t-shirts, but I can only wear V-necks. Because my neck is very fragile, I cannot wear a regular neck t-shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Because wearing turtle necks is like getting strangled by a very weak guy. Like if you wear a v-neck and a back-pack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down."
You know when you go to some restaurants they put you on a waiting list. And then when it's your turn they call you. 'Dufresne, party of two.' And if you don't answer they call the next people on the list, 'Bush, party of three.' Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresne's? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing!"
-- all courtesy of the late, great Mitch Hedberg.