Re: 'Mini' DVD Competition for Hm.ca!
This is still part 1, and BTK hasn't announced an ending yet.
I liked the idea, mainlo- reminded me of Night Flyer (which is a good thing). The only thing I would suggest is to give a little bit more background as to why he may have the headaches and why he was smelling sulfur.
Remember, I'm not in the contest, so I'm not trying to degrade or disparage you! If you don't mind, I'd like to give you one bit of advice. My personal opinion is that one or 2 more sentences about the background would ground the story into something the reader could connect with. I was wondering why he has headaches and smells sulfur. Maybe radon in his house? Did he contract a disease, run into some strange beast, have a spooky encounter? Or just a history of mental disease? It doesn't have to be obvious, just an off the cuff thought he has about "that night 2 weeks ago when I saw/heard/felt/got new meds" Now we know where he's coming from.
I didn't me to offend you at all, and I'm sorry if I over stepped my bounds on my suggestions. It was just the one point in the story I had to go back and re-read to see if I missed something. But I like how you took a normal(?) guy to Mr. Choppy in a short period of time.
Thx Azathoth, I don`t mind getting tips
Besides, you are absolutely right, you see, I tested it out o Facebook and it seems that people just aren`t getting the whole picture.
You see, Richard didnt do it because of the headaches and the smell of sulfur, the reason he had these was because he was obsessed by a demon...The demon lets him see the school-children as zombies ad then at the hospital the demon leaves Richard...:)
Can you read it again, with that in mind, and give me your feedback please?