Topic: First few pages of my Apocalyptic story

While working on it some more today I thought I would just post a snippet of the beginning to see what you guys think. Nothing too eventful happens.

   Something is wrong. Something… is very wrong. Staring into the blackness of his bedroom, Rob shifted uncomfortably in his sheets. It’s hot. Why is he so hot? Removing the blankets from his body he turned to his right to see Amy sleeping soundlessly next to him. He can’t sleep in this heat. Amy must have turned up the thermostat again. She is always cold. He touches her hand lightly as it rests on the feathered pillow. She is so quiet when she sleeps, you can hardly hear a breath. He leans in over her, as he does occasionally too see if she is still breathing. Of course she is. A small wisp of air brushes his right ear lightly as she exhales. Dreaming a calm and peaceful sleep, not even a murmur from her soft lips. Her eyes twitch beneath her eye lids, she must be deep in sleep. Still he moves softly and quietly as he rolls to his left side to see the clock. It’s only 3 a.m. and he feels ready to start the day, yet a sigh of exhaustion escapes him. He needs a glass of water to cool him down. His throat feels dried out, he must have been dreaming something that had made him breathe heavily. Hm, I wonder what that would be, he smirks to himself.
His heart beat is racing still since waking. Slowly pulling his feet from the end of the bed and stepping lightly onto the carpeted floor, Rob rises from the plaid covered sheets. He heads towards the bathroom at the end of the bedroom, yawning lightly and wiping his eyes of sleep. He closes the door to the bathroom leaving only a small crack exposed so as not to wake Amy when the light turns on. The tile of the bathroom floor is cool against the bottom of his bare feet a nice relief. He fills a small Dixie cup with some tap water, refilling it after one drink isn’t enough. Crumpling the cup in his hand he tosses it into the waste basket beside the toilet.
His heart is still beating faster than normal, he can feel it thumping against his ribcage as it reverberates to his shoulders and neck. What is wrong? He puts his hand to his neck to feel the pulse. With silence ringing in his ears he can audibly make out the thump of the beats in his head. A headache probably. He opens the cabinet and grabs a bottle of pills off of the shelf. Grabbing another Dixie cup he again fills it with tap water and swallows the pills. Once more he crumples the cup and tosses it towards the garbage. The crumpled paper cup hits the rim of the basket and bounces silently to the ground. He leans against the counter top over the sink and breathes slow and deep to clam himself. It feels like a nervous beat, but there is nothing troubling on his mind, nothing that would make him feel the way he does.
Pushing himself up from his leaning position against the counter, Rob turned towards the crumpled paper cup on the floor. He knows not to leave them lying around until the morning because Amy would see it and give him a look that he understood to mean he was being lazy. He isn’t lazy though and she knows that. She knows how hard he works, a photographer, albeit a struggling one, capturing whatever he figures could sell. Mostly local news shots, but sometimes even for art’s sake. Otherwise he is sure to be found at his desk job, which is as unexciting as it can be for him. He’d rather be out doing something more active, like photographing. Struggling or not though he knows that he enjoys it and loves the company of Amy when she joins him on his walks, always hoping to capture something unique and if not sellable, perhaps for framing.
Rob leans down to pick up the cup from the tile. There are a few drops of water beneath it that he rubs away with his hand. As he is about to put his hand on the cup he feels a quiver through the tile, against his feet.  Simultaneously the cup trembles a few millimeters across the floor. He looks up through instinct. A sound in the distance. It sounds big. He can hear the echo through the quiet night air as if something had exploded.
“Rob?"  he hears Amy call from the bedroom.
    Rob turns to face the doorway when he hears her voice. The tremble must have awakened her. He doesn’t answer but instead looks back to the cup on the floor. What was that? He grabbed the cup and without another pause stood up straight. Then he halted for a moment. That’s what’s wrong, he remembered. The meteors. The mass of meteors that he had heard about the other day watching their local news station. They informed everyone not to worry, that none of them appeared to be heading in a path that would cause damage to any homes. He sure as death and taxes hoped not. How could he not remember that broadcast? Had he not been thinking of it for the past 2 days, had he not always awoken to a racing heart and uncomfortable heat because of the thought. He was too disoriented to think of it all when he woke this time he imagined.
    A sudden tremor beneath him set him off balance as he drops the cup to the floor again.  He stumbled and regained his composure.
    “Rob!"  Amy yelled to him from the bedroom.
Her scream was almost inaudible against the thunderous sounds around him. Another one, just like the explosion he had just heard only this time it was louder, closer. He staggered towards the bathroom door in reaction to the quake. Amy was sitting upright against the headboard with the sheets wrapped around her legs and up to her chest. Rob reached for Amy and pulled himself onto the bed with her.  He wraps his arms around her but the trembles are over quickly. A few car alarms on the street have gone off. Rob rubs Amy’s arm up and down before looking her in the eyes and then towards the window. They wait a moment, but it’s silent. Rob pulls his arms from around her and moves off the bed and towards the window. Following behind him Amy circles around the other side of the bed but doesn’t follow him right the window.
    Rob peers through the curtains. There doesn’t seem to be any damage at all around them. A few residents from the other houses along the street have exited their homes and look about the road. Some of them are already talking amongst themselves. A few residents just step out of their doorway to turn their car alarms off. No one really seems to be bothered by it or are too weary to care.
    “You think the meteors have landed?"  Rob asked aloud.
    Amy walks up closer towards him and gazes out the window as well. “I don’t know. Maybe. That wasn’t supposed to be for another day I thought."
    “Yah, well they are never 100 percent right with the weather two days before it happens, I wouldn’t think they’d get this one spot on either." Rob remarked.

I'll stop it there. Maybe I will post more on a later date. But I don't want to give too much away. I hope you liked it. smile

It's not in the same format as I have written it in Word, the indents are not present on here for some reason, but I think you will all live.

Last edited by Vamp_Slayer (2010-06-17 14:21:02)

Re: First few pages of my Apocalyptic story

not bad at all smile

Re: First few pages of my Apocalyptic story

Not boring, enjoyable, and had my attention the whole way through to the end. That's a hard thing to do.
Good job! smile

Re: First few pages of my Apocalyptic story

Thanks a lot guys. I noticed a few errors in grammar and such that need to be edited but first I will finish it all and then go edit it, so bare with it for now I guess big_smile

I'm glad it wasn't boring creature haha, btw I welcome criticsim of course so I know there is nto a lot to go off of right now, but sya whatever you would like to say, after all it is for readers that I am writing this so they have to enjoy it!

Re: First few pages of my Apocalyptic story

It's a fine start. My only major critic is you go back and forth between the 3rd person talking and Rob telling the story.

Example:
ROB- Something is wrong. Something… is very wrong.

3RD PERSON-Staring into the blackness of his bedroom, Rob shifted uncomfortably in his sheets. It’s hot.

(Why is he so hot?)- You don't need to write this because your reader will aready question that without having to be told. You wrote these types of questions a couple of times. Don't ask a question unless your character is saying the question or thinking it.

3RD PERSON-Removing the blankets from his body he turned to his right to see Amy sleeping soundlessly next to him. He can’t sleep in this heat.

ROB-Amy must have turned up the thermostat again. She is always cold.

You need to pick one or the other. This correction will greatly make your story easier to read and more enjoyable. I hope this helped.
It's funny I'm actually writing a series based off an apocalyptic disaster due to meteors as well. My story is about a group of survivors who have to take on the creatures that arrive while also trying to figure out how to restart their lives. Maybe I should post some pages when I'm complete.

Feel free to ask any questions if you need help or support Vamp_slayer

Re: First few pages of my Apocalyptic story

Thanks a lot Dartanion, It's great that you were so specific. I did notice i was switching points of view and i went back to change that already actually, but if I hadn't noticed then I would have now!
I'm not to worried about that right now I am going to go back and edit it after, that's what I learned to do in my writing courses anyway and it works for me lol. But of course it is nice to try to fix it early on and try not to make such grammar errors the whole way through. I don't know why I did that now... I never tended to write so back and forth before, I think I am trying too hard. I'm gonna just let it flow.
Thanks for the support! I appreciate it.

And that sounds cool.  Yah you should post it. It would be neat to see how they start off with a similar plot device and how they develop differently from each other.

Last edited by Vamp_Slayer (2010-06-24 16:40:51)