Topic: SPAMMERS BEWARE

The following is an original spam message.  We've opted to 
leave this particular instance up for all to see, so that they might 
enjoy Azzie's rib-tickling response and for a heads up to other 
potential spammers.

BUT BE WARNED: If you plan on posting spam, or are a one-hitter 
(single poster who only joins the forums to post a single "pimp" 
message for your indie film project, Kickstarter or Indiegogo 
campaign or your own website) your thread will immediately be 
closed and chances are, we'll ban your ass.

Enjoy!

- LoudLon 

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Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

Reported.

But since I need an outlet for my bottled up rage, and this post won't last long...

I will take my monkey with his nuclear knife, as seen here
<----
And have him spank you with it everyday until you are crying for momma and promise to never, ever spam another website again.  And if you break that promise... I won't go into the details of where that knife will end up.

As for your last paragraph, what is "inevitable" about your firm.  Are you subcontracting Cthulhu to kill off your competitors.  Are you mighty cockroaches that will be the only survivors after the great Mayan Apocalypse?  Do you plan to creep into our bedrooms at night and whisper suggestive, positive things about your company?

There are only 3 inevitable things in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) messing with a rage monkey never turns out well
3.1) Taco Bell after midnight will cause intestinal distress

I suggest that you or your bot reprogram themselves as Wall-E and start processing trash as fast as possible, because the failure of your company, due to it's poor media/PR skills, will soon be buried in so much waste that we will have starships and have left you behind on Earth to deal with your own droppings while we are disco dancing with green and/or blue aliens to the soothing tunes of some sweet, sweet R&B jazz.

Hmmm... that made me feel better.

[edit- sorry mods, I needed an anger outlet today]

Last edited by azathoth (2012-10-05 19:49:57)

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

I think I'll let this thread stand as a warning to other spammers as to what we think about them. big_smile

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

Added a poll guys.. Be sure to vote!

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

What the heck was this thread about lol.

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

And also... I dunno what spams are. Actually I know a lil' bit but I don't really know how to recognise them.

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

Spam is generally just bull shit like this trying to sell you stuff. Most of the time it is completely unrelated to horror. Usually its just bots that post really weird, nonsensical stuff like this.

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

^^ I think they are rather unrelated to the main topic of a discussion or a video. smile

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

^^
Well, here, when a discussion of a topic goes off course, we call it "being de-railed."  If it is HM members going off on tangents, that's OK normally.  When a brand new person drops in and posts links to commercial websites, that gets deleted.  In this case, Lon found my response funny enough to leave it up as a warning.  The other case of semi-spam is when someone new drops in and posts links to their new horror movie or Kickstarter campaign.  They normally are allowed to stay, but get closed.

I'm thinking the mods should change the thread title to "Spammers beware," replace his text with [a bunch of spam], and make it a sticky.  Nice warning, plus I get to re-read how I incorporated Taco Bell intestinal distress, the Mayan apocalypse, disco dancing with aliens, rage monkeys, and Cthulhu all into one post.  big_smile

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

Done. big_smile

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

At least it wasn't one of those "make your penis bigger than the Empire State Building" spam ads.

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

Lon- you are a maestro!  Your message was 10X better than my idea.

Tripod- you almost ruined my laptop when I spit out my tea reading that!

Bobo- ummm, do whatever you do with your knife.  Just not near me.


(You guys have no no no idea how much anger this thread has relieved from me.  Lon did me a solid on this one.)

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

Perhaps we could pounce on this opportune moment to discuss our love of all things spam? Spam is the most versatile of meats, it goes with fish, eggs, chips (French Fries for the Yanks), rice, pasta and just about anything else you can throw at it. it's a great sandwich filler, never goes bad, tastes like rotten gammon and best of all it comes with its own handy key which would make it invaluable in a zombie apocalypse type situation. My favourite is spam, fried eggs and chips although for the foody types on here you can make spam fritters, spam casserole, spam curry and even use it as a desert and make a creamy whipped spam souffle if you're feeling adventurous. It's the king of processed cold meat shit in a can.

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

^^
Also we should rejoice in Monty Python's Spam song!

I was thinking, should we send a link from this thread to the company?  Or would that just be mean?  Though I'd love to see the look on the CEO's face when he read "being spanked by rage monkeys until you cried for momma."

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

just realised that I got hacked. And the guy spammed on my account too. On another websote of course. smile

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

azathoth wrote:

Reported.

But since I need an outlet for my bottled up rage, and this post won't last long...

I will take my monkey with his nuclear knife, as seen here
<----
And have him spank you with it everyday until you are crying for momma and promise to never, ever spam another website again.  And if you break that promise... I won't go into the details of where that knife will end up.

As for your last paragraph, what is "inevitable" about your firm.  Are you subcontracting Cthulhu to kill off your competitors.  Are you mighty cockroaches that will be the only survivors after the great Mayan Apocalypse?  Do you plan to creep into our bedrooms at night and whisper suggestive, positive things about your company?

There are only 3 inevitable things in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) messing with a rage monkey never turns out well
3.1) Taco Bell after midnight will cause intestinal distress

I suggest that you or your bot reprogram themselves as Wall-E and start processing trash as fast as possible, because the failure of your company, due to it's poor media/PR skills, will soon be buried in so much waste that we will have starships and have left you behind on Earth to deal with your own droppings while we are disco dancing with green and/or blue aliens to the soothing tunes of some sweet, sweet R&B jazz.

Hmmm... that made me feel better.

[edit- sorry mods, I needed an anger outlet today]

Quite well done, Sir! big_smile

http://i58.photobucket.com/albums/g271/robotvmonkey/gifs/applause.gif

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

I like spam it teaches us all how to reach a particular bone in the body that is useless in other times of space in time... thanks man

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

I just want to bump this for the clueless that come here.  (No, I don't mean you Demon)

I will incise every spammer that comes here.  You cannot evade the Monkey Horde.  They will scratch on your windows at night.  They will replace your car with a Pinto.  You will wake up in the morning and they will be staring at you.  They will steal your cereal and replace your milk with prune juice.  You cannot stop them, for their fuel is bananas and insanity.  Do not spam here.  You will regret it when you see a simian in your car's backseat.

Last edited by azathoth (2012-10-07 00:16:20)

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

So there was another spammer that bugged me.  That got deleted, but I had saved my response.
-----

Reported.

I'm really too tired to write something amusing, so I'll just link my last one.

http://www.horror-movies.ca/Forum/viewt … 12#p619412

Seriously though, I have an entire horde of monkeys scanning for spam all the time here.  They're like ninja assassins of canned meat.  I once saw Big George just eat the entire can.  I mean he didn't even bother opening it, he just chomped on the can.  Of course, Big G is one scary mofo.  You think Bobo (the guy on the left) is scary?  Big G has a freaking claymore sword, and sometimes he uses it as a pogo-stick.  No, I don't know how that works, but it's cool to watch.  He once beat down a litch with just his tail, and since he's a gorilla and doesn't have a tail, that is damn impressive.  And don't get me started on the proboscis monkeys.  They actually survive being attacked by alligators and freaking sharks.  Yes, I'm serious.  They may look funny, but they will tear you up like no one's business.  Alligators and sharks, man!  You got to bring it big to play with the big boys.  And God, Cthulhu, Vishnu, whatever, if you cross Vampy.  She makes car salesmen cry.  Not sure if they pee'd themselves, but I give it a 70% chance.  She scares me, and I've watched needles being stuck into my lung.  And, oh boy, then there's Lon.  He just gets knifed and impaled by cars and walks away, has a smoke, and everything in the background just explodes.  Because, why not, he rocks.  If Cap Howdy gets a hold of you, I hope you sold your soul to God already, 'cause otherwise he's going to toy with it for the next few centuries.  I could go on, but we're basically The Avengers, but set in your worst nightmares.  And by the way, I'm the Hulk equivalent- I am always angry.

edit- oops, I wrote something.

Last edited by azathoth (2012-10-20 10:53:31)

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

Oh heck, got my 3rd spammer, sigh. 
------

Reported, of course.

Ah, the spammer is strong in this one.  You do not come here to spam.  We have agents all over the world that live off of blood and the screams of anguish.  We will find you, we will make you pee your pants, and point and laugh at you.

I am the Alpha and Omega, and sometimes I even toss in an Epsilon in there to make it spicy!  You don't mess with me.  And I'm not even top dog here.  We have a mod that gets hit by cars and then pees into the wind just to spite the air itself.  Another is a demon who has a Tantalos Hound as his wife.  One is a zombie that eats half of the visitors at her haunted house.  And you don't want to ever meet the website owner- he once beat King Kong senseless with a megalodon.  Then ate their bones.  Nothing else, just the bones.  I asked him why, and he said, "They're crunchy."

Did I mention I have a gorilla that has a pogo-stick sword?  No it's not the guy to the left, that's just Bobo with his nuclear knife.  I have flying monkeys, swimming monkeys, monkeys with lasers, submarine monkeys, space monkeys, monkeys with guns, monkeys on Uranus (yeah, I went there), ICBM monkeys, inside-out monkeys, moneys with 4 asses and 14 heads. 

I suggest you never come back.  If you do, I will jump through the screen and Zamboni your genitals.

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

^^^ He also has monkeys with irritable bowel syndrome who would just as soon chug a gallon of milk and fart noxious gas into your face as look at you.  They're the ones I'm afraid of.  That stink tends to cling. *shudder*

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

Okay, who the hell voted "yes"?

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

Well we had another winner tonight.  I went Lovecraftian on him this time (parents advisement, this one is sorta violent)...

============

Ah, sam12, finally I have my spammer for the night.  I have been waiting.

This guy to the left
<---
is a mere avatar on this dimension.

Do you see my name?  Azathoth.  Let Wiki explain it to you.

------
Outside the ordered universe [is] that amorphous blight of nethermost confusion which blasphemes and bubbles at the center of all infinity—the boundless daemon sultan Azathoth, whose name no lips dare speak aloud, and who gnaws hungrily in inconceivable, unlighted chambers beyond time and space amidst the muffled, maddening beating of vile drums and the thin monotonous whine of accursed flutes.
-------

Did you get all that?  I am a mindless, blithering daemon god that has thousands of daemon servitors playing flutes with their 15 penises.  Do you know how annoying that is?  Do you have any idea how many of those penis-flutes it will take for me to shove up your arse before your head explodes and I can suck out the marrow from you spine before using it as a jump rope?

Only The Almighty is higher than I, and we both hate you.  If you come back, we will double punch you in the crotch, the only difference is that I will be punching your crotch through your rectum.  I will then pull your scrotum out, and replace your displaced head's eyeballs with testecles.  You have displeased both God and an eternal daemon.  You are not on the right path.

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

If I keep this up, I could write a dang book out of it.  Problem is coming up with new and fresh threats.  Feel free to give me ideas for new rantings.

Last edited by azathoth (2012-10-12 04:42:30)

Re: SPAMMERS BEWARE

azathoth wrote:

we will double punch you in the crotch

This made me laugh out loud. lol