Topic: Tips to survive a horror film.

I want to ask you guys some tips. Act like this is a game. I wrote mine first and then you wrote what you think about it (only one) and then you posted your's.

Okay. How about never ever make deals with some sinister looking guy who is seemingly an old fart trying to get into your dream?

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

Don't be black. Because you'll end up dying first.

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

^ I laughed hard at that lol

Tie your laces and make sure you have good balance, you don't want to fall over when being chased.

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

Always have a monkey with you.  Preferably with a knife.

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

Don't be afraid of giant killer sharks.  Just punch 'em in the crotch, they'll break down crying like a little girl with a skinned knee.

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

^^
Knowing you, you'll be carrying around modified (i.e. air breathing) sharks just to chuck at people/zombies/vampires.

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

Tripod wrote:

Don't be black. Because you'll end up dying first.

Unless you're in the NOTLD world....you'll survive long enough just to die last.

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

Dont dumbly rely on people to come and rescue u.

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

Also, avoid any cabin you see in the woods.

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

Pull up a beanbag, crack open a tinny and allow uncle Fulcento to walk you through the ten most important things to avoid becoming machete fodder, should you ever find yourself in an eighties slasher scenario. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin:

1. Don't ask stupid questions while wandering around half naked in a dimly lit setting. If you ever find yourself asking the question "who's there?" in a darkened environment, the chances are you really don't want to stick around for the answer. Asking a question like "where's the corkscrew?" is even worse. You will NOT appreciate the answer.

2. Snapping twigs, unless you trod on them yourself this sound is almost always a preamble to certain death.

3. Be vigilant of windows. Standing in front of a window is just asking for trouble, you will either be dragged through it Fulci style, thrown through it or have something dead thrown through it at you.

4. Cats. Cats are always in the pay of the murderer, movie cats can lock themselves inside closets in order to leap out at you when things are at their most tense. They also have this nasty habit of calming you down when you're at your most jittery point which tends to make you forget that you've just recieved a menacing phone call or been followed by a strange shadowy figure. Heck, even if two seconds ago a madman just swung an axe at your head a cat will make you forget all about this. Just avoid cats.

5. Cars. Cars don't work. If you do manage to get one started it will inevitably break down as far away from civilisation as it is possible to be. Starting a car when being chased is utterly futile as it will consistently fail to turn over. If it does start, that's even worse as it means there's a maniac in the back seat. Or on the roof. Or hanging from the axel.

6. Telephones, these never work either, mobile phones never get a signal and trying to use a landline phone will result in you getting strangled with the cord.

7. Bathrooms. As if you need reminding humans are at their most vulnerable while naked. Do NOT ever, under any circumstances take a shower or take your pants down.

8. Practical jokes - they're never funny and always result in bloody revenge years later.

9. Drugs, premarital sex and rock music. Give these vices a wide berth if you want to survive the night.

And finally...

10. Try to avoid any kind of anniversary or significant calendar date, hospitals with no patients, boiler rooms, Eastern European holiday spots, basements and heavily wooded areas.

Follow all these don'ts and you might just make it through the night.

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

^^
You hit my biggest pet peeve- cars.  You just started your car 84 times already in the film, and now at the worst time, for no reason, it won't start?  If you're going to pull that stunt, and least show the car being unreliable earlier, or show someone messing with it, or some evil force that can screw with it.  Don't just... not start.

And the only time I had a car break down on me was when an alternator went bad on a highway.  Not in Southwest Bumbletown 2000 miles away from anything even resembling civilization.  If I'm going to Funkytown, I'm bring my own mechanic and towing a trailer full of spare parts, damn it!

Same thing with cellphones.  You can get a cell signal in the Himalayas, but take one turn onto a dirt road and you are now behind the invisible wall of "no electromagnetic waves" or some shiite.  Do horror locations come with built-in Faraday cages?

/rant

Last edited by azathoth (2012-10-21 14:41:39)

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

^
Yep, I've had 3 cars since I've been driving and the only time one ever failed to turn over was when I'd accidentally left the headlights on one night. A jump start later it was right as rain. I've NEVER, NEVER encountered a situation where someone may have to turn the key, each time getting the 'rev' sound for the engine to turn over. ONLY in horror movies does that mechanical problem exist. And yeah, I bet I could stand atop Mt Everest and my TalkTalk signal on my mobile phone would still work. I'd be like "Hello, Mountain Rescue please?" and I'd be saved within minutes but venture into an are with three or more trees and you can kiss that phone signal goodnight.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIZVcRccCx0

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

^^
Shiite, I have 7 trees in my backyard.  I'm so f'd!  lol

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

azathoth wrote:

^^
Shiite, I have 7 trees in my backyard.  I'm so f'd!  lol


Number 11. Trees! lol

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

Never play random tapes or old records that you find in a basement and especially not backwards.  Also never read aloud from an old book that is bound in leather!

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

^^ And in human flesh and blood... Seriously guys I really need REAL tips to REALLY survive a horror movie.

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

Are you slighting my monkeys?

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

Never go camping with a stoner, a slut, a jock, and a brainy guy unless you are a virgin smile

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

Listen to the Crazy guy.....the crazy guy is always right.

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

Always get a bigger boat.

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

Never go investigate the noise you heard outside in your underwear.

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

Also don't drop the soap.

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

What's that noise in the closet??....trust me, you can't handle it.

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

Never trust the sweet older couple living in your apartment building.

Re: Tips to survive a horror film.

Nothing is dead until its body's been severed from its head.