Pull up a beanbag, crack open a tinny and allow uncle Fulcento to walk you through the ten most important things to avoid becoming machete fodder, should you ever find yourself in an eighties slasher scenario. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin:
1. Don't ask stupid questions while wandering around half naked in a dimly lit setting. If you ever find yourself asking the question "who's there?" in a darkened environment, the chances are you really don't want to stick around for the answer. Asking a question like "where's the corkscrew?" is even worse. You will NOT appreciate the answer.
2. Snapping twigs, unless you trod on them yourself this sound is almost always a preamble to certain death.
3. Be vigilant of windows. Standing in front of a window is just asking for trouble, you will either be dragged through it Fulci style, thrown through it or have something dead thrown through it at you.
4. Cats. Cats are always in the pay of the murderer, movie cats can lock themselves inside closets in order to leap out at you when things are at their most tense. They also have this nasty habit of calming you down when you're at your most jittery point which tends to make you forget that you've just recieved a menacing phone call or been followed by a strange shadowy figure. Heck, even if two seconds ago a madman just swung an axe at your head a cat will make you forget all about this. Just avoid cats.
5. Cars. Cars don't work. If you do manage to get one started it will inevitably break down as far away from civilisation as it is possible to be. Starting a car when being chased is utterly futile as it will consistently fail to turn over. If it does start, that's even worse as it means there's a maniac in the back seat. Or on the roof. Or hanging from the axel.
6. Telephones, these never work either, mobile phones never get a signal and trying to use a landline phone will result in you getting strangled with the cord.
7. Bathrooms. As if you need reminding humans are at their most vulnerable while naked. Do NOT ever, under any circumstances take a shower or take your pants down.
8. Practical jokes - they're never funny and always result in bloody revenge years later.
9. Drugs, premarital sex and rock music. Give these vices a wide berth if you want to survive the night.
And finally...
10. Try to avoid any kind of anniversary or significant calendar date, hospitals with no patients, boiler rooms, Eastern European holiday spots, basements and heavily wooded areas.
Follow all these don'ts and you might just make it through the night.
