Topic: Humor And Jokes Thread.

A man walks into a bar and see's a man sitting down at the front counter having a beer and there is a dog lying down on the floor right next to him.

The man walking in wanted to sit at the counter next to him and asked the man "Does your dog bite?"

No replies the man...my dog is a big SUCK and wouldn't hurt a flea!.

So the man sits down at the bar, has a beer then goes to get up and leave.
The dog runs after him and takes a big bite out of him.
So the man who got bit said to the man at the bar, I thought you said that your dog does not bite?!

The man replies HE DOESN'T! That's not my dog!

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

Two old ladies are riding their bikes through the country when they turn onto a bumpy gravel road.  The first old lady says, "Y'know, I've never come this way before."  The other old lady says "Me neither.  Must be the gravel."

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/971799_668691326491475_1053465113_n.jpg

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

A joke thread.
This oughta be punny.

(I'll let myself out...)

Last edited by azathoth (2013-08-20 22:31:05)

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face"?

A duck walks into a bar. He says to the bartender "I'll have a beer. Put it on my bill".

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

Knock, knock...

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

who's there?

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

That's a very old one...

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

So, a guy walks in to a Talent agency, sits down at the desk and says ''Man, do I have an Act for you...''  (...yadda, yadda, yadda...)  ''The Aristocrats!!''

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a book just fell on my head

i blame my shelf , nobody else

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What's red, fleshy, 14 inches long, hard and makes women howl at night?








































































































Cot death.

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If you choke a smurf what color does it turn?

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http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/593278/921245.jpg

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I like Funny Or Die and this one with Kristen Bell is pretty funny. big_smile
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/3027b4 … -ricky-jay

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

The cops came to my house this morning and claimed that my dog chased someone on a bike. I told those idiots that my dog doesn't even own a bike!

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LIAR!

http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3141/2792891986_65df471c01_o.jpg

Not like I have any room to talk....

http://ideagirlconsulting.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/an-orangutan-monkey-riding-a-bike.jpg?w=341

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

My bike is way better.
http://www.kzoz.com/jeff-and-jeremy/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/fat-rascal.jpg

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

A blond, a brunette and a redhead are at a bar.  Brunette says to the bartender, "Let's play a game.  We'll give you a clue about what drink we want and if you guess it right, we'll each give you a fifty dollar tip."  Bartender agrees. 

Brunette says, "I'll have an L-I-I-T."  Bartender thinks for a second, says "L-I-I-T -- Long Island Iced Tea."  Brunette smiles and says "You're right!" and gives him fifty bucks.

Redhead says "I'll have an R-A-C."  Bartender thinks for a second, says "R-A-C -- Rum And Coke."  Redhead smiles and says "You're right" and gives him fifty bucks.

Finally the blond says "I'll have a fifteen."  Bartender thinks a second.  Then thinks some more.  Then thinks some more.  Finally, bartender says "Okay, I give up.  What the hell is a fifteen?"

Blond says "Duh!  A seven and seven."

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

http://i769.photobucket.com/albums/xx332/LonTurner/Animated/CongressBurn_zpsa8fde4d7.gif

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

What do you call abunch of white dudes pushing a car up a hill?

White power!

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An Irish Ghost Story.

This story happened a while ago near Kells, County Meath, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale... it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

Look frank... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!

https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/297056_241515162564853_457410886_n.jpg

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

A Catholic Priest and Rabbi are sitting on a park bench enjoying the weather, when a young boy walks by.
The Priest turns to the Rabbi and says "Let's screw him!"
The Rabbi responds "Out of what?"

Q: Why did Jesus stop playing hockey?
A: He got tired of getting nailed to the boards!

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

So there's a Beech tree and a Birch tree and between them is a little sapling, just starting to grow. They had been discussing all day whether the sapling was a son of a beech, or a son of a birch, when a woodpecker arrived.
"Please mister woodpecker can you take a taste of that sapling and tell us if it is a son of a beech or a son of birch?" Asked the beech tree.
"Yes, please tell us mr.Woodpecker!" prodded the birch.
So the woodpecker agrees and takes a small peck out of the sapling, he swishes it around his mouth, tasting it.
"Well I'll tell you guys, this ain't a son of a beech or a son of a birch, but it's the best piece of ash I've ever had!"

Last edited by Theli (2013-09-17 12:11:30)

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

A DOG NAMED SEX

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him *rover* or *spot*. I called mine *sex*. Now sex has been very embarrassing to me when I went to the city hall to renew the dog's license for sex. I told the clerk I'd like a license for sex he said. "I would like to have one too!". Then I said, "she is a dog!!". He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "you don't understand. I had sex since I was 9 years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "but sex has played a big part in my life and my life revolves around sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everybody would like having sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the justice of peace. My family was barred from the church then on.

When my wife and went on out honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for sex. He said every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "me too!"

One day I entered sex in a contest. But before the competition began, sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand!!" I said. "I hoped to have sex on TV!!". He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "your honour. I had sex before I was married, but sex left me after I was married." The judge said, "me too!!"

Last night, sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for sex." My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I have been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with my psychiatrist, she asked me, "what seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "sex has been my best friend all of my life but now it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer. So lonely." The doctor said, "look mister you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend. So get yourself a dog."

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

A skeleton walks into a bar.  Bartender says "What'll you have?"  Skeleton says, "A beer and a mop."