Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

It's Father's Day and a daughter gives her dad a tv for a present. The dad asks his daughter where she got the money and she replied boys kept givinge me money to climb up a pole. The father replies they just want to see your underwear then the daughter relies that's not true I don't wear underwear.

Last edited by mike3881 (2013-12-15 04:22:30)

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/562882_269498599851878_369618930_n.jpg

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

Julie and Renee are getting ready to attend a party on the top floor of a fancy high rise. Julie loses a coin flip and is tasked as the designated driver. Upon arriving, Renee is knocking back shots and dancing and having a great time. Julie is sitting alone at a table nursing a club soda and bored senseless when she notices a guy at another table looking at her.

Eventually, the guy comes over and asks her why she is sitting by herself and not joining the party. she explains she is the designated driver and can't drink. He says one drink won't kill her and goes and gets them both something to drink. before she takes a drink he tells her "this stuff will make you fly". She figures he is obviously drunk so decides against drinking it.

He knocks back the whole drink, walks over to the window, opens it and jumps out, flies around the building and comes back in through the window. "Holy shit! this stuff really does make you fly", Julie screams. She then proceeds to knock back the whole drink, walks over to the window and opens it, jumps out and falls to her death.

The guy gets up and walks over to the bar. The bartender looks at him, shakes his head and says "damn Superman, they fall for that one every time".

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

Real life joke I just texted my gf or I thought it was my gf about how easy my job was.lol turned out to be my boss I texted.

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

Mwahaha Hope he has a good sense of humor.

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

A traveling salesman is driving down a country road when his car breaks down.  He hoofs it for a while and after several miles comes upon a farmhouse and knocks on the door.  An old farmer answers.  The salesman asks if he can use the farmer's phone to call AAA; the farmer says sure.  The salesman calls, then hangs up.  He tells the old farmer AAA won't be there until the next morning and asks if he can crash at the old farmer's place for the night.

The old farmer, leery of strangers in his home, says no, but that he can sleep in the loft of his barn.  The salesman figures that's better than nothing and agrees.  The old farmer takes him to the barn, where the salesman sees a wall with a line of three holes, each at crotch-level.  He asks the old farmer the deal.  The old farmer tells the man that whatever he does, under no circumstances should he stick his dick in any of the holes.  The salesman thinks to himself, yeesh, that's a weird thing to say.  He shrugs it off and the old farmer shows him to the loft, then goes back to the house.

That night the salesman's laying in the loft, staring at the barn ceiling, and he can't get what the farmer said out of his head.  "Why would he say that?  The thought of sticking my dick in those holes didn't even cross my mind.  But now that he's said it...god, I just can't stop thinking about it."

Finally his curiosity gets the best of him.  He climbs down from the loft and goes to the wall with the three holes.  He stares at them for a minute, mind racing.  What could possibly be in those holes that I shouldn't stick my dick in them?  Finally he says screw it and drops his pants.

He sticks his dick in the first hole.  Wow.  Whatever's in there, it feels amazing.  But the second hole beckons.  So he shoves it into the second hole.  Holy shit!  That feels even better!  The third hole is probably going to be even better still!  So he moves to the third hole and sticks it in.

Inside the house, the old farmer's startled awake by a piercing scream from inside the barn.  He throws on his house coat and races out to the barn, where he finds the salesman curled up fetal on the floor, clutching his genitals and writhing around in the most unimaginable agony you can imagine.   "Jesus Christ," he says, "what the hell was in those holes?!"

The old farmer says, "Well, the first hole was my wife, and she's got the clap.  The second hole was my daughter, and she's got the gonorrhea.  And the third hole was the milking machine, and it don't stop 'til it gets a quart."

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

DELETED. Duplicate. LOL

Last edited by DarkMistress (2014-05-03 16:31:01)

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

THE FORTUNE TELLER

A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked his question:

"Will I be found guilty?"

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a Lens Grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

Yeah, in 2nd grade.

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?    A whore fucks everybody and a bitch fucks everybody except you.

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

Two nuns were playing golf one day.  One misses and says "god damn motherfucking cocksucking son of a bitch!".  The other nun says "ooh-God will get you for that."  The first nun misses again and comes out with the same set of words.  Suddenly, the sky turns black, a lightening bolt flies out of the sky, but hits the "good" nun.  As she lies dead, a voice comes from the sky "God damn motherfucking cocksucking son of a bitch! Missed again!"

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

GHOST DADDY wrote:

Yeah, in 2nd grade.

lol I only heard it a few months ago.

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

One day, Adam was walking around when he heard a voice from the sky, "hey Adam, where dat bitch, dat Eve?"  "Oh, she"S s just taking a swim." "Oh shit, now I'll never get that smell out of the fishes!"

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

GHOST DADDY wrote:

One day, Adam was walking around when he heard a voice from the sky, "hey Adam, where dat bitch, dat Eve?"  "Oh, she"S s just taking a swim." "Oh shit, now I'll never get that smell out of the fishes!"


Looks like we have a misogynist. 

Did you get burned by a woman "once",  son?  Or was your Mother a control freak? smile

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

A guy was in prison.  One day he heard a dude yell out 42 and everyone laughed.  Two hours later, he heard a dude yell out 10 and everybody laughed at that one too.  Another hour later he heard a guy yell out 37 and even more laughter.  He turns to his cellmate and asks what's going on.  "They have only one jokebook in the library.  Guys memorize a jokes number and save time by just yelling that out."  The first guy checks the jokebook out and memorizes the numbers.  He yells out 22.  Nobody responds.  He turns to his cellie and asks what happened.  "Well, you know how it is.  Some guys can tell a joke and some can't."

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

GHOST DADDY wrote:

What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?    A whore fucks everybody and a bitch fucks everybody except you.


Burned by a female?  Or controlling Mommy? Which?

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

Neither.  In  fact, I'm one of the few males I know who can (or at least does) claim he has never been burnt by a romantic interest.  FEMALE romantic interest, that is.  Simple break-up-that just goes with the territory.

Re: Humor And Jokes Thread.

DarkMistress wrote:
GHOST DADDY wrote:

What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?    A whore fucks everybody and a bitch fucks everybody except you.


Burned by a female?  Or controlling Mommy? Which?

That that's your theory demonstrates that you didn't understand the joke.  If your theory was dead-on, wouldn't it be a case of me poking fun at myself?  There's a dog in one of your jokes.  Should I assume, then, that you've been bitten by a dog?