So it’s that time of year again. There are wonderfully wrapped presents under the tree with the names of your family and loved ones carefully labeled on the ribbons while a fire blazes in the corner of the room warming up all who sit beside it, basking the room a majestic orange glow. This is the time of the year when you get to appreciate the company of your family and relatives and just relax with the people whom you love.
Or… you know, that’s what the “normies” do. We on the other hand see it as a day off to watch and digest as many horror films as possible cramming them deep into our throats plummeting forth the Holidays tidings. So, I found this as a perfectly good reason to make a list about Christmas horror movies and I must say this was much easier than I thought it would be. Apparently the most child friendly holiday really brings out the most macabre and disgusting horror films we can stomach. Awesome!
5: Christmas Evil Synopsis: After finding out that Santa Clause isn’t real, Harry Stadling (Brandon Maggart (aka: Fiona Apple’s dad)) tries his best to fulfill the shoes of everyone’s favorite fat guy. Everyone makes fun of him naturally which causes him to snap and murder everyone while dressed as Santa on Christmas.
- Why is it worthy: It’s a Troma production about a man who sees Santa fondling his Mommy (Santa is implied to be his father) and is thusly turned bat shit insane from it. Then he finds a job in a cheap toy factory, dresses up like Santa, steals all the toys from his place of employment and kills anyone who gets in his way of delivering those toys to children. No matter how many drugs you will ever do, you can’t come up with anything that competes with that.
- Goes Perfect with: A flying van
4: Silent Night, Deadly Night (Dir: 1984) Synopsis: After witnessing his parents being slaughtered by a man in a Santa suit, Billy Chapman (Robert Brian Wilson) grows up, gets a job at a department store, puts on a Santa suit, and goes on a murderous rampage. Awesome.
- Why is it worthy: This is one of those movies that helped to create the B movie slasher craze of the 80s. There are numerous gratuitous boob shots, people getting murdered for having sex, a completely exploitationesque plot and a killer in a Santa suit. What is more insane and ridiculous than that? There are even nuns in there, they don’t do any ninja stuff though, but I think if you through in Jamie Lee Curtis and Jason, you would have every stereotype imaginable for 80s slasher flicks.
- Goes perfect with: nuns and a Santa suit (HI-YO!)
3: Gremlins (Dir: Joe Dante – 1984) Synopsis: A Boy inadvertently breaks three important rules with his new pet Mogwai. Now he has to deal with the Gremlins that have spawned from his adorable pet.
- Why is it worthy: Can I ask you one important question? Who doesn’t love this movie? Something about the quaint little town overflowing with Norman Rockwell-ness Americana getting raided and ravaged but a bunch of horrible creatures just makes me warm inside. Not to mention that these horrible creatures come out of the most adorable little scamp in the world and you have yourself quite a paradox.
- Goes perfect with: KFC, Beer, and a song
2: Scrooged (Dir: Richard Donner – 1988) Synopsis: Charles Dickens Christmas story but told a bit differently. This time it’s a cynical and selfish TV executive (Bill Murray) who gets visited by three insane and disturbing ghosts the night before he is to put on a live version of the Charles Dickens Christmas Story.
- Why is it worthy: I will not lie to you. This is my favorite Christmas movie ever and I am fully admitting to list based bias because of how much I love this movie. It’s arguable Bill Murray’s finest comedic performance (right behind Ghostbusters) and adding the beautiful and charming Karen Allen, Bobcat Goldthwait as the sniveling and recently fired yes man, and Robert (f*****G) Mitchum as the head of the TV station and then you have some pretty rich and thick icing on the cake. This is a must see, you will laugh your guts out and with a good amount of genuinely creepy scenes, you guts may just stay out.
- Goes perfect with: A VCR, towel, and a highball over a game of Trivial Pursuit
1: Black Christmas (Dir: Bob Clark – 1974) Synopsis: (From imdb.com) A sorority house is terrorized by a stranger who makes frightening phone calls and then murders the sorority sisters during Christmas break.
- Why is it worthy: I have gushed about this movie time and time again and like most slasher purists, I will not stop. Black Christmas is an amazing horror film that got over shadowed by the insane ramblings of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (TCM was a better film, no argument there) and getting practically erased by the popularity of Halloween, Black Christmas always gets left behind. It’s a bit more of a police procedural film, but it definitely sets the bar for all the slashers that followed. It created the genre before we knew what the genre was.
- Goes perfect with: The other Bob Clark directed Christmas movie… A Christmas Story. You can have Ralphie and his Red Rider picking off Margot Kidder and her friends.
So there you have it, a compilation of the best Christmas themed horror movies that I could come up with in the last four or so days. Did I miss any of your holiday favorites? Are there any other horror films you watch on Christmas almost, dare I say… religiously? If so, let us know in the comments!