How to Avoid Watching Bad Straight to DVD Horror Movies

There is one genre that is always able to flourish in the Straight to DVD market, and that is the horror genre. Every day thousands of naïve and unsuspecting consumers (a.k.a “suckers”) are duped into renting or even buying a straight to DVD release that is bound to suck. The acronym for these movies is perfect, for these movies usually are the STDs of the horror genre. This is because a lot of them make you feel like taking a “NBC movie of the week” rape shower or rub pharmaceutical cream all over you just to get rid of the DISGUST they make you feel afterwards. So why do we constantly keep renting these movies you may ask? Well on rare occasions, every horror fan has stumbled upon a direct to DVD horror film at the video store that later became a treasured hidden gem. Unfortunately, getting to that point usually requires endless wasted hours of watching imitative, poorly acted, and uninspired crap.

However, it doesn’t have to be that way. From my experience of watching atrocious STD horror films, I have discovered a way of avoiding the crap and watching the very rare hidden gems we all love. Follow these rules and you will not be disappointed!

THE BETTER THE COVER, THE WORSE THE MOVIE: This is probably the number one reason why all consumers get suckered into renting these movies. How many times have you rented a horror film that had an amazing cover, only to find out the movie was shot on a portable camcorder and was filled with actors from soft porno films? There have been many occasions where I’ve had to swat a movie out of my friends’ hands and scream, ‘NO!’ Do not be fooled by the slick looking slip covers or the holographic images that are shining on the DVD. Most of the money that goes into DTD releases is not into the film itself, but rather marketing of the film. This makes sense, because I have tons of good movies with AWFUL DVD covers. (Why can’t they stick with the official one-sheet posters as the cover?) So, don’t be fooled by the “whistles and bells.”

DO NOT RENT A MOVIE JUST FOR A BELOVED GENRE ACTOR: As devoted horror fans, we are all very passionate and because of that fact, we always tend to idolize certain actors who are legends within the genre. Unfortunately, this leads us to making very foolish movie viewing choices. How many times have you guys been tricked into thinking a well known horror actor was starring in a movie only to realize his or her role barely qualified as a cameo appearance? Be weary of these movies!! Studios know that all they have to do is put the genre actor’s face on the cover to get you to rent the film. For example, I rented this horrible slasher movie a few years back called, A Crack in the Floor. On the cover it had Gary Busey’s name over the title. I have been a fan of Gary Busey since he was in Silver Bullet, and thinking he was going to be a bad ass serial killer in this movie, I grabbed it off the shelf. I then found out the man had literally 90 seconds screen time. The rest of the movie had A.C. Slater from Saved By the Bell running around from a killer with a bunch unknown actors. (I guess they didn’t think Mario Lopez’s name was that marketable.) So unless there is buzz about a genre actor STARRING in a movie…stay away!!

DO NOT RENT A STD HORROR MOVIE WITH AN ALL STAR CAST: This is an extension of number 2. Have you ever been to the video store and spotted a horror movie you’ve never heard of, yet it stars every A-list actor you can think of? Do not be fooled! Do not pick up this movie or you will regret it. A STD horror movie can star B-list actors and be great….but A-list actors? NO! Think about it. Why would the movie purposely go straight to DVD with big names if it didn’t suck? I watched the worst movie I have ever seen in my life because I made this foolish mistake. (The movie was Hotel by the way….DON’T EVER WATCH IT!) So if you see your favorite actors on the cover of a horror movie you’ve never heard of, lined up on the cover like the Scream movies….JUST WALK RIGHT BY IT!

DO NOT TRUST ALL BLURBS!: I have been writing for online media outlets for 4 years, and when you write for sites that long, you tend to spot a few “quirks” that reviewers tend to have. One of these quirks is that majority of us are “press whores.” (Which is ironic…since we are the press! :P) We LOVE seeing our names on DVD covers and posters. (Some more then others.) Believe me, I have stumbled upon horror movies which were given amazing blurbs from notable horror sites that were complete and utter sh*t. (This happened to me when watching Murder Set Pieces.) Also, sometimes our reviews can be taken out of context. Let’s say we gave a horrible review to a movie, and had ONE good thing to say. If that movie is really as horrible as most people say, studios will use that ONE good phrase on the cover (since they don’t have anything else to go with) of a DVD making it look like it’s worth watching!

So be careful! If you know certain sites have reputations of “being bought” when it comes to reviews, do not trust their statements!

LOOK FOR FILM FESTIVAL AWARDS ON THE COVER: I have been to a lot of film festivals and have seen great horror films that usually only get a limited theatrical release or go straight to DVD without the general public knowing about it. (It’s a damn shame if you ask me!) That’s why it’s important to look for those famous film festival awards on the cover. However, take a look at the awards very carefully. The same symbol is used even when a film is screened at a film festival period. Just because it was a viewed at a film festival, doesn’t make it good. Look for impressive awards from NOTABLE film festivals. (Not sh*t like ‘Siberia indie slasher film fest’ )

STAY AWAY FROM STD ‘CREATURE FEATURES’ AND ANYTHING PRODUCED FROM ‘THE ASYLUM’: We all have our guilty pleasures. For me, I love vampire and zombie movies. My mother and brother on the other hand love creature features and will rent any piece of garbage that has a slick cover and an animal resized to look like a gigantic monster. ( I had to endure Shark Attack 3 because of this!) The CGI is always as poor as the acting in these movies and if you are silly enough to rent movies like Mammoth, Sabertooth, or any other so called horror movie about an ICE AGE mammal for that matter, you DESERVE to the punishment that awaits you. This goes for anything from The Asylum as well. (a.k.a. The Kings of Rip-off horror films.) Just shell out the extra five bucks and go the theatres!

LOOK AT THE TITLES: If you see the words, ‘Nightmare,’ ‘Massacre,’ ‘Slaughter house’ or ‘Tara Reid’ anywhere on an unknown direct to DVD horror release….turn the other way! :P

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