5 Horror Movie Villains Even You Could Beat in a Fight


Jason, Freddy, Michael Myers, The Tall Man, those weird cave people from The Descent.. etc the list for bad ass horror movie villains could fill a book that would make Dickens blush.  More importantly, as people we like to think that we are smarter than this big people killing oafs, when in reality, they would kill us in seconds.  No one stands a chance against any of these guys (unless you are telepathic, what the hell is up with that anyway, the chick just ruined the dock?? Seriously?).  But after thinking for months (hours) about the issue, there are actually a view horror movies villains that don't raise the bar and subsequently beat you to death with it.  There are a few that maybe flunked out of villain academy figuring that they learned everything they were going to learn and then jumped right into the promising career of villainry.  Lucky for you, they fell into the real world, and flat on their faces.

5:   Baseball Player Zombie, Nun Zombie, etc. – Dawn of the Dead 1978 On first look, they appear to be just another transient, wondering the street after happy hour, trying to find a nearly fished cigarette to roach off of in the gutter.  But upon further inspection, they are actually your friends and relatives that have died and are returning to life to eat you.  That aren't hobos or you know, alive.  (note:  be EXTRA careful if all your friends are hobos, you just want to be sure before you start taking them out)

  • Why they could Kill You:  A Zombie doesn't pose much of a threat, but a group of Zombies is nothing to shake a stick at.  They get you with their large amount of numbers and their ability to recruit means they won't die until every living person is dead.  Throw that in with an insatiable hunger and an enemy that doesn't sleep and they can be quite dangerous.
  • Why they are beatable:  Slow moving and stupid.  A good run and duck can clear you out of harms way while a gun or club can take them out.  They have no strategies and don't look like they have a goal or a mission besides eating you.  Also they appear to be jerks to one another or just ignore them = no public forum for taking over.
  • How do you take them out?   Easily, get yourself some kind of armor, like cardboard or empty 30 racks of PBR and swing away with any blunt object.  Any blows to the head take them out.  Also don't get cornered, stick to fields.  (Numerous survival guides dig deeper, like this one)

4:  Vampires – The Lost Boys 1987: These aren't your dad's vampires, this is the younger and sleeker model which is irrational, unafraid and totally pumped up about being a vampire.  They are smart and they know how to make people fall into their traps without revealing their identity till needed.  In an 80's California landscape, they blend in perfectly with the wild youth.

  • Why they could Kill You: They have some kind of weird Vampire trance that shows you the fun and wild life of teenagers that only exists in California I guess (if movies have taught me anything).  They also seem pretty inclusive, giving anyone a chance to hang out with them which gives the unsuspecting emo kid some real life friends that don't just exist as myspace profiles.
  • Why they are beatable:  They can't be out in the sun, you have to invite them into your home, and they do maintain a high profile.  How many teenagers can you kill till the cops send their own version on Veronica Mars out to investigate?
  • How do you take them out? They sleep every second the sun's rays are out.  Find out where they hide and make an effort, because even when they are hiding they are asleep.  Plus their hideout can't be that hard to find, I mean how many caves, old houses, and abandoned warehouses can their possibly be in your town?  Oh, you're from New Jersey?  Just run then… to somewhere that isn't Jersey

3:  Mercury – The Hills Have Eyes 1977 Mercury appears to be some sort of human being, which may or may not be deformed by nuclear weapons in the desert.  He lives with his comfortable family of cannibals in the desert and wears the skins of animals…. That he found somewhere.

  • Why he could Kill You: He knows the land better than you so he is aware of every rock, shortcut and tunnel in the area.  Not only that but so does his family who is always deranged and scary mutants.  Which are bigger and more intimidating than he.
  • Why he is beatable:  He seems to spend most of his time in a really high place while very ignorant of his immediate surroundings.  He is some kind of look out, but is easily distracted by the chance to eat babies.  (Who isn't?!)
  • How do you take him out?  The dog could do it.  He won't hear you coming so just huck a rock at him about the size of a softball, gravity will do the rest.

2:  Scud – Blade II 2002 Scud isn't even a vampire in a movie where a vampire is hunting and killing weird pseudo vampires with actual vampires (yes you read that right).  He's a wanna be vampire owned by some other vampire to spy on blade the half vampire. .. so he's just some dude who looks like he is helping Blade

  • Why he could Kill You: He is a pretty technologically savvy guy who created various weapons and bombs and blades for Blade (ha!).  Like Q is James Bond franchise.  Just with much less class.  This probably makes him smarter that you, which always goes to his advantage.
  • Why is he beatable:  He's just some dude, who doesn't look like he works out even
  • How do you take him out?  Like you would any other human being, the possibilities are endless.  Or you can just tell Blade that he is a wanna be vampire boy and Blade with do all the heavy lifting.  He would enjoy it anyway.  Blade is messed up with like that, seriously.

1:  The Aliens – Signs 2002: These Aliens looked like your standard Aliens from a slew of T-Shirts from the mid 90's.  Their heads are really large and their eyeballs are black and soulless.  And for some reason the deterrent that they spit out at their natural born enemies on their home planet (which they have acquired through millions of years of evolution) just happens to be poisonous to humans! Convenient!

  • Why they could Kill You: They have mastered intergalactic space travel.  This means that they are more thank likely more educated that you, since you failed physics in the 11th grade and never bothered to make up the credits because next year you knew the hot physics teacher was leaving.
  • Why they are beatable:  They are destroyed/killed/disfigured by water.  Which of course you learned in 3rd grade that the earth is over 70 percent water
  • How do you take them out?  Well the fact that they invaded a planet that is made of 70 percent of what is fatal to them with beings on the planet that are comprised mostly of that fatal substance means that they are way dumber than originally thought (this is like you walking on to planet Anthraxia with walking/moving/shouting/violent/scared/pissed off beings made mostly of cyanide), or they are desperate and cocky.  Use this to your advantage, hang around the lake and then rope swing their ass in the water.  They are probably too dumb or desperate to stay away.

So who did I miss?  Think I was wrong?  Know of any other villains that are just sad and you could easily beat in a fight?  Shout it out in the comments!

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