2008 Horror Movie Rundown Part 3

What a journey!  Here we are... together...  Feels like just last Sunday we started this whole thing, breaking down all the horror movies from 2008 and trying to find out ways on the right path. 

Actually wait… It was last Sunday… and I don't even know you… Please leave my bed, put down my cat, and stop eating my Raisin Bran Crunch.  When you get back to the safety of your home/apartment/box then check out the final installment of the 2008 horror movie rundown. ( Here is Part 1 and Part 2 if you have not read them yet )

Hellboy II: The Golden Army (Dir: Guillermo del Toro) Synopsis:    A mythical elf Prince Nuada aims to take control of the Golden Army after he is fed up with how the humans have pushed his civilization underground.  Hellboy and his crew aim to stop him.

  • Breakdown:   I loved the first Hellboy and I feel that this is one of the best sequels in history.  It has everything including great fight scenes, well developed characters, an amazing story, and a slight fantastical summer movie feel to it.  It belongs on the best sequels shelf right next to Aliens.
  • Verdict:   BEG, BORROW, STEAL just get your hands on it

The Haunting of Molly Hartley (Dir: Mickey Lidell) Synopsis:    In this tale of spell binding suspense, something evil lurks just beneath the lush surfaces of teenaged girl's private school world - and it holds the rights to her very soul. Now, on the eve of her 18th birthday, Molly Hartley is about to discover the truth of just who, or rather what, it is she is destined to become.

  • Breakdown:   well I got nothing haven't seen it, but let me pull some quotes from rottentomatoes (where it got a 3% rating). 1) from Mike Bracken (Mike Bracken's Horror Films): "makes Saw V look like Citizen Kane".  From Rob Nelson (Variety): "This softcore thriller runs strictly by the numbers".  And my favorite from Frank Scheck (Hollywood Reporter):  "The cinematic equivalent of a razor blade hidden in an apple". Ouch.
  • Verdict:   I'm going to pretend it never existed and move on with my life until I hear otherwise

Lost Boys: The Tribe (Dir: P.J. Pesce) Synopsis:   Seduced by the charismatic leader of the fanged wave riders, a boy and his sister gradually discover that these super cool people are vampires. 

  • Breakdown:   This was a piece of shit.  It doesn't deserve a breakdown.
  • Verdict:   BURY the crates of this film in the ground next to those copies of ET for Atari 2600

One Missed Call (Dir: Eric Valette) Synopsis:   What will it sound like when you die? In “One Missed Call,” a chain of people receive terrifying cell phone messages of their own final fatal moments. Though the messages can be deleted, their number is up. Beth Raymond (Shannyn Sossamon) is traumatized when she witnesses the gruesome deaths of two friends just days apart.

  • Breakdown:   I don't really know what to say about this film except that the entire time I was bored out of my mind.  And this is coming from someone who thought that both Lawrence of Arabia and The Lord of the Rigs were riveting.  So yeah it takes a lot to bore me and this film did it.  It's a shame too, I think Shannyn Sossamon is the best actress out there who doesn't get any work.
  • Verdict:   RENT – if you are having problems sleeping

Pathology (Dir: Marc Schoelermann) Synopsis:   When med school student Ted Gray (Milo Ventimiglia) graduates top of his class he joins one of the nation’s most prestigious Pathology programs.  With talent and determination Ted is quickly noticed by the program’s privileged and elite band of pathology interns who invite him into their crowd.  Intrigued by his new friends he begins to uncover secrets he never expected and finds that he has unknowingly become a pawn in their dangerous and secret after-hours game at the morgue of who can commit the perfect undetectable murder.  As Ted becomes seduced into their wild extracurricular activities the danger becomes real and he must stay one step ahead of the game before he is the next victim.

  • Breakdown:   Written by the duo that brought you Crank, it's no surprise that the film isn't very good.  There is a lot of gore and some very nice nudity, but honestly I have never seen such a ridiculous representation of a medical student in my life.  The characters were unrealistic and their actions were motivated poorly.
  • Verdict:   RENT – if you like gore and nudity, but nothing else in your movies

Prom Night (Dir: Nelson McCormick) Synopsis:    Students get terrorized and killed on Prom Night

  • Breakdown:   If you remake a bad movie, it is still going to be a bad movie.  This was a film the fans never asked for, the crew never cared about, and the studio wanted to keep clean.  So yeah pretty much the Holy Trinity of what make a horror film a steaming hunk of shit.
  • Verdict:   SKIP – just don't bother

Red (Dir: Lucky Mckee, Trygve Allister Diesen) Synopsis:    Avery Allan Ludlow (Brian Cox), a Korean War vet with a tragic past, lives alone in a small town, where he runs the local hardware store. Av's only companion is a 14 year-old ginger-haired dog, aptly named Red by Av's late wife. One day, Av and Red are enjoying a placid outing at their favorite fishing spot when three boys and a shotgun come along. In an instant, Av's lifelong friend is gone, the victim of a cruel, senseless act. Devastated, Av determines to find out who the boys are and why they did it. Helped by a local reporter (Dickens), Av tries to expose the truth, but his efforts are ignored by authorities and mocked by the teenagers. The boys' parents, a rich local businessman (Sizemore) and, across town, a hardscrabble laborer (Englund) and his wife (Plummer), are just as determined to keep Av down. But, faithful to the memory of his best friend, Av single-mindedly presses for justice—with or without the law on his side.

  • Breakdown:   I haven't seen this one yet, but I have heard nothing but good things.  I love what Lucky Mckee has done this far and I always love me some Brian Cox (that sounded kind of dirty).  I really have nothing else to say other than I have no good reason for not seeing this one yet.
  • Verdict:   RENT – just because that's what I'm doing.  Although I have a feeling that this one might get changed to a BUY.

REPO: The Genetic Opera (Darren Lynn Bousman)  Synopsis:    Set in the not-so-distant future, the production tells the story of an epidemic of organ failures that devastates the planet, killing tens of millions.  As scientists feverishly make plans for a massive organ harvest program, a multi-billion dollar biotech company called GeneCo begins to manufacture salvation- for a price- offering simple payment plans to those lacking the necessary funds to purchase new body parts outright.  But all financed organs are subject to default procedures, including repossession at the hand of the notorious organ repo men

  • Breakdown:   DLB gave up another sure payday in directing Saw V and also turned down countless big money offers to make his passion project become a reality.  You have to respect that.  Plus Anthony Stewart Head stars and as long as he hasn't lost anything from his Buffy days, this one should be a pleasure to take in.
  • Verdict:   I'm going to BLIND BUY.  But if you aren't a fan of Buffy, horror musicals, and DLB then you may want to take a different route.

saw V (Dir:  David Hackl) Synopsis:    Jigsaws murders are still continuing after his death causing law enforcement officials to look elsewhere for answers.  And traps kill people with a lot of gore.

  • Breakdown:   I previously wrote an article defending the Saw franchise and that article still stands.  However Saw V left me feeling a bit empty, most likely because it felt like a setup movie for Saw VI.  So I guess the quality of Saw VI will tell how good this one is.
  • Verdict:   BUY because you already own the other ones.

Twilight (Dir: Catherine Hardwicke) Synopsis:    A teenage girl moves to a new down and falls in love with a creepy kid who turns out to live in a family of vampires. Emo ensues.

  • Breakdown:   I haven't seen it.  I am a 25 year old male and therefore have no reason to identify with the popular demographic.  All I can tell you is that on rottentomatoes.com the films is getting a 44% percent rating (not good).  Then again, it will probably pull 200 million worldwide easily which is nothing to shake a stick at.
  • Verdict:   RENT/BUY/WHATEVER you know more about this one than I do

Trailer Park of Terror (Dir: Steve Goldman) Synopsis:    Six troubled youths are forced into a seemingly abandoned trailer park after their bus crashes.  Turns out that the trailer park isn't abandoned at all…

  • Breakdown:   This was another stinker of 2008.  Horrible acting all around, a stupid story, and a feeble writing attempt try to convince people that the trailer trash fad of 2005 is still going strong.  It's not.
  • Verdict:   STAY AWAY. For realzies

The Orphanage (Dir: Juan Antonio Bayona) Synopsis: Laura spent the happiest years of her childhood growing up in an orphanage by the seaside, cared for by the staff and fellow orphans whom she loved as brothers and sisters. Now, thirty years later, she returns with her husband Carlos and Simon, their 7-year-old son, with a dream of restoring and reopening the long abandoned orphanage as a home for disabled children. The new home and mysterious surroundings awaken Simon's imagination, and the boy starts to spin a web of fantastic tales and not-so-innocent games... a troubling web that begins to disturb Laura, drawing her into the child's strange universe which resonates with echoes of long-forgotten, deeply troubling memories of her own childhood. As the opening day draws near, tension builds within the family. Carlos remains sceptical, believing that Simon is making everything up in a desperate bid for attention. But Laura slowly becomes convinced that something long-hidden and terrible is lurking in the old house, something waiting to emerge and inflict appalling damage on her family

  • Breakdown:   This was one of the better films of 2008 mixing an amazing story that kind of reminded me of Darkness (the movie with Anna Paquin).  I felt the acting was solid all around, especially the children in the film.  It does have the standard horror movie creepy kids, but they are used sparingly. 
  • Verdict:   RENT IMMDEIATELY – it's a great film and really worth your time

That's it, I'm done!  The most important thing here is that we learned a few things along the way.  We learned that PG 13 horror remakes often blow.  We also learned that 2008 wasn't the best year for horror movies, but it certainly wasn't the worst.  We also learned the difference between a rundown and a list.  This is a rundown.  My top five (maybe ten) list, you know, the one I said that I wasn't going to do is coming next week.  Maybe at least I can get Maven to write one too so you don't flood the comments telling me how much I suck.  Ah who am I kidding I love the attention!