Reeling From a Horror Jones


Yes, we are only a week into 2009 but I am feeling pretty good about this year so far. I know what you must be thinking. How can I possibly believe that we may be getting a reprieve from all the crap I constantly complain about when we are about to be hit with two remakes and there are even more on the horizon?

Well it's like this. Fresh into the new year we already know that the re-imaginings of Rosemary's Baby and Fright Night have gotten canned. Surely that must be a good omen. Plus Near Dark is a no-go. That's three pieces of whoopty-doo right out of the gate. It seems that now they may just be starting to focus on the fact that if you can't make it good you shouldn't even bother. Settle down, I said starting to focus. I know there are many remakes on the way but I have to admit I am getting a little excited about all the cancellations.

Could it be that the Powers That Be are beginning to see the light? Are they finally listening to the horror fans? Of course not. They are merely following the dollar like a bitch in heat as always but whether it's by hook, crook, or voodoo I am just happy it's taking place. Now perhaps we can start to see a little more ingenuity and (dare I say it?) originality coming out of Hollywood. Wanna see some creative math? Then read on.

Horror is hitting the mainstream with a resounding slap across the face right now in the form of television. Mainstream horror spawns horror fans where giggly, teeny trite used to dwell. With shows like Dexter, True Blood, Blood Ties, Supernatural, Reaper, Scream Queens, Estate of Panic, 13 Fear is Real, and the return of Scare Tactics, not to mention the plethora of reality shows based on hauntings and the like in our midst it is easy to see that fear sells. Hang with me I swear I have a point.

Now it's been a while (longer than I care to admit) since I took mathematics but transitive relation goes a little like this. If A = B and B = C, then A = C. It's a little hairy but my thinking is as follows:

If A) More Mainstream Horror =

B) More Horror Fan Revenue =

C) More New Content , THEN

A) More Mainstream Horror = C) More New Content

Okay that's just a really geeky way of saying I sure hope this is what happens. In other words: Phase 1, Collect Underpants...Phase 3, Profit. Perhaps this is a stroke of genius or maybe I've just had a stroke. Either way I think I could possibly see some good things in our future.

Of course I realize that more NEW horror does not necessarily equal more GOOD horror. For that I submit the hypothesis of monkeys typing Shakespeare. Eventually we are bound to get something worth watching.

Now I would like to offer a disclaimer for the abundance of positivity (and maniacal laughter on my part) while writing the above article. But after the dismal theatrical year that was 2008 I can only imagine this year will be better. Here I sit cloaked in the leftover giddiness of a disappointing last year like I'm coming off of bad crack. And I am begging for a fix. A real horror fix. I need something to get my blood going again and I want it to be in the form of a theatrical release. I have no problem getting the good stuff from the indie and foreign markets like we usually do. But I do long for the days of settling into a crowded theater with an oversized, overpriced bucket of too-salty popcorn and emerging 90 minutes later with a grin on my face because I know I won't be resting easy that night. And right now I am clinging to the theories above.

Is my optimism button stuck in the On position? Could my wish for fresh horror be in vain? Can we really solve the problems of the genre with mangled mathematics? Only time will tell. We have a year to find out and that starts when I go to see The Unborn this Friday. Until then, I'll just sit curled in a fetal position, rock back and forth and hope it delivers.

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