5 MORE Horror Villains You Could Beat in a Fight

Remember way back when (September 08) when I first started writing for HorrorMovies.ca? That's ok, I barely remember it either with all the hallucinogens I'm prescribed illegally. Anywho, I previously threw together a thought provoking study on modern horror cinema titled 5 Horror Movie Villains Even You Could Beat in a Fight. Well since then, I saw a whole bunch of horror movies (mostly not on those hallucinogens… mostly) and I finally feel good about this upcoming list of bad guys I think you would be more than capable of taking out yourself. You don't need Ash, Nancy, or even Dr. Loomis with these guys. Trust me on this one, let the pros go after the pros, and the amateurs take out the worthless evil villains that aren't even certified to be bag boys and the local IGA (and the zombies, we can handle them too). I know you're all dying for me to get to it, so I now give you "5 More Villains Even You Could Beat In a Fight".

5: Jack Frost – Jack Frost 1996: So in the Academy Award Nominated Jack Frost, a psychotic serial killer is in a prison vehicle car wreck that mixes his blood and DNA with some kind of toxic chemical (and snow) which logically turns him into a pissed off killer snow man. This of course was based on actual events.

Why he could kill you: Well in a town where it looks like I'm inevitably going to be snowed in, of course the first thing I do after buying bread and milk is to prepare for what horror movie villains I may run into while snowed in. I would expect to encounter vampires, Jack Torrance, Evil Santa, and Andre Linoge. I can honestly say a killer snowman was never on my list, so I suppose that he has the surprise element. Or rather, had the surprise element….
Why he is beatable: Well… he's a snowman. He has some kinds of weird guts and goings on and what not inside, but still he is made mostly of snow (and evil). Just stay inside and when he's weak, make a minimal effort and you should be ok.
How you take him out: Move to Florida, buy a space heater, grab some of those hand warmer packs people stick in their hockey pads, whatever you have to do to stay warm. Well you will probably already be doing that since, you know, you have to do that to survive. So stay vigilant!

4: Dr. Carl Hill – Re-Animator 1985: Dr. Carl Hill, if you remember was the nemesis to our two favorite Re-Animator boys Dan Cain (Bruce Abbot) and Herbert West (Jeffrey Combs) who was then decapitated by West when he found out that Dr. Hill was trying to steal West's formula. Like every other Doctor you've met in your life would naturally do, West injected the formula into Dr. Carl Hill's skull making his head come back to life… and then somehow, that makes his detached body come alive. Sure, why not?

Why he could kill you: Despite not having his head attached to his body, his unfocused torso, arms, and limbs can put up a pretty good fight. Apparently, the body somehow became freakishly strong- Look I don't know how it happened but it's awesome. OK?
Why he is beatable: His heart may be in the fight, but he doesn't have his head in the game… it's somewhere else… (Bam! Always classy sugar!)
How you take him out: Well his head is not attached to his body. But that's the obvious window everyone is going to jump out of. You need to be more creative. So what you need to do is position yourself in front of his body so that if he had a head, it would be facing you. Now while you are doing this ask that nice chubby man you found on craigslist to get on all fours behind Dr. Hill. Now you push him (Dr. Hill, not the chubby guy) firmly and he should fall over the chubby friend and hit the ground. Then take his head and crush it into a pulp with whatever is around.

3: Chucky – Child's Play 1988: Charles Lee Ray "The Boston Strangler" was a brutal serial killer. Before he was captured and put to death, he learned voodoo of some sorts (like all criminal psychos are wont to do) and was able to transfer his soul and consciousness into whatever the hell he could find. So naturally he picked a popular child's toy.

Why he could kill you: Well he is small and can hide himself pretty easily. Pairing that with the fact that no one over 30 will believe you that he exists and very quickly you have a semi formidable opponent on your hands.
Why he is beatable: Because he is the two foot tall incarnation of a violent serial killer that happened to be put into a popular child's doll. Were there no animals anywhere? Seriously, pretty much anything else would have been a better call, at least if he was a cat or a dog or a squirrel, then he could run away and blend in immediately. The absurdity of his situation is you protection.
How you take him out: The only strength he has is his ability to hide in small spaces. Take that away from him by sticking to unfurnished rooms, well lit public parks, and sports arenas and you should be fine in a one on one. He's a 2 foot tall doll and not even an action figure. This shouldn't need much more explanation.

2: The Klopek Family – The Burbs 1989: The Klopek Family was the creepy neighbors to Tom Hanks and Princess Leia in The Burbs way back when Tom Hanks made interesting movies that weren't Award chasing garbage. Either way, the Klopek family, consisting of two brothers of senior citizen age along with their cousin (I guess, brother? Nephew?), who is the only part of the family of fightin' age and strength.

Why they could kill you: Well one of them is actually a doctor which would give them the advantage on the whole "knowing where to stab" field of play. Plus you can't argue with results, and I would say a trunk full of bones (which I will also address much later) is very good evidence of efficiency.
Why they are beatable: Their age plays against them. If their physical prowess due to old age isn't enough of a side tipper, then you can always factor in their stupidity. I mean really who hides the evidence in the trunk of their car? What if you get pulled over? What if someone rear ends you and your trunk opens? It just seems careless, they should know better.
How do you take them out: Well the two old brothers worst enemies are steps and not be able to take a nap. Coming down to fisticuffs, you should be more than fine with a straight up fight. There is of course the matter of the younger Klopek, but he seems to be subdued by hilarious pieces of forshadowy goodness. A well placed banana peel that you "accidently discarded" when you missed the garbage can on the side of the house 3 weeks ago should do the trick.

1: The Black Oil Spill – Creepshow 2 1987: In the gritty true to life documentary Creepshow 2, some teenagers decide to go swimming in a lake. This seems harmless enough, so of course a random oil spill pops out of nowhere with the ability to suck up and kill whoever touches it. It doesn't make sense to me either and I saw the movie.

Why it could kill you: For some randomly placed plot explaining reason, this black goop can move up stream or down current at will. If you are slow or stupid enough to leave the dock that is conveniently placed in the middle of the lake on your own, then you are pretty much done. I'm not sure of the science behind it, but I'm positive that its water tight (damn I'm funny).
Why it is beatable: Well for one, it moves too slowly. A medium to good swimmer can jump in the water opposite the spill and create a diversion for the bad swimmers. The spill is slow and borderline worthless as far as enemies go.
How you take it out: Well if the movie Phantoms is telling the truth (which it is, because the movie was awesome) then there is some fancy anti oil chemical that breaks down the oil elements and is often used when oil tankers capsize (break, rip open, technical definition is "flip the f**k over") in the ocean. If you don't have any of that goodness, then just swim away moderately fast or use one of your friends dead bodies as bait.

Well there you have it! Part two of 5 horror villains even you could beat in a fight. Was it everything that you hoped it would be? Did I disappoint? Should I have put some other villains in there? Let me hear about it!