5 Horror Movies That Could Use A Remake
Look, you and I both know that no matter how much bitching and moaning we do, we will not be able to stop studios from remaking horror films. The allure of a built in audience along with strong cult followings are just way too much for studios to ignore in the tight economic times we are facing. So I figure that if you can't beat them, join them. Well, not exactly join them I suppose, but rather put forth a list of movies that really do deserve remakes. I'm talking about movies that have maybe been forgotten about by the fans of the genre or were maybe made in a different era of filmmaking and are legitimately due for a remake (if only for technical reasons).
For this list, I'm putting an age cap on the films that are up for debate. These are remakes that would be designed to introduce movies, plots, and concepts to a new generation. Therefore to make my list, the movie has to be at least 40 years old. That's the only criteria I demand (from myself). So after searching long and far, it's my pleasure to give you 5 Horror Movies that Could Use a Remake.
5: Freaks (Dir: Tod Browning) 1932 Summary: A harlot trapeze artist names Cleopatra marries a sideshow midget names Hans because of the large inheritance he is due to receive. The rest of the performers at the circus freak show accept Cleopatra as one of them for the time being and soon after, Hans falls ill. After hearing that Hans has been poisoned by Cleo while she is banging the strongman (named Hercules of course) the shit gets real with a slew of midget revenge.
Why it could use an Update: Being that HBO released a whole series about the life and times of circus freaks (wait it was about other stuff too? ) it only makes sense that now would be a great time to bring back Freaks. Plus, now you have the advantage of computer graphics to make the most messed up Freaks imaginable. The possibilities are endless, plus who doesn't like a good revenge story at the hands of some messed up looking people? I know I love it.
My picks for actors: Peter Dinklage would have to be Hans, he would bring the class and compassion to the role that it deserves since the Freaks, although appearing scary and weird are actually a very nice and tight knit group (as long as you don't piss them off). Throw is Jessica Alba as Cleopatra (she will take any role offered to her apparently) and some ex wrestler as Hercules and this one practically remakes itself.
4: Dementia 13 (Dir: Francis Ford Coppola) 1963: Summary: Louise and her husband John are arguing about John's Mother's will where if John (her son) dies before her, then Louise would be left with nothing. John unfortunately dies of a heart attack on the spot and Louise pushes his dead body into their lake. Louise does some quick thinking and invites the family of her now dead husband to their house to squeak her way into the will and then that's when a ghost shows up of her husband's sister who died at a young age. Look, in the end it all does make sense just trust me on this one.
Why it could use an Update: Everyone loves a good family drama mixed in with supernatural forces and unrelenting revenge. This kind of reminds me of What Lies Beneath mixed in with a dash of The Ring thrown in. Stick some good talent in there with the timeless themes of greed and deceit and you have yourself a recipe for success.
My picks for actors: Sean Connery in a brief cameo as John Haloran while his young trophy wife is played by genre vet Jordan Ladd. Mix in Ellen Burstyn as the Mother and this one would be a hot project.
3: The Tingler (Dir: William Castle) 1959: Summary: From Wiki: "Dr. Warren Chapin (played by Vincent Price), discovers that the tingling of the spine in states of extreme fear is due to the growth of a "tingler"—a spinal parasite which can kill the host unless it is destroyed by screaming." Mayhem ensues when one of these creatures escapes.
Why it could use an Update: Who couldn't use a remake of The Tingler? A parasite that ties itself to your spine and can only be removed by screaming? Sound a little bit like slither but without the mutation. Plus with a little remake magic, you may be able to turn this into a full blown monster movie. When was the last time you ever heard someone say "I'm getting really sick of awesome monster movies". The answer is never.
My picks for actors: To replace the iconic Vincent Price role, I would like to throw Malcolm McDowell's hat in the ring. Because really does the rest of the cast matter after that role is filled?
2: M. (Dir: Fritz Lang) 1931: Summary: A child murderer in Berlin wreaks havoc among the people due to that tricky inability to get caught. The criminal underground is upset because they don't want to be associated with a pedophile while the police are searching high and low for this criminal. It becomes a race to see who can find the killer first.
Why it could use an Update: First of all it's an amazing story. A saga about two opposite sides of the coin: good and evil coming together to fight an enemy that is worse that both of them (like Blade II!!!). Well, I guess they don't really come together, but at least they are in some way united. Plus no one gets tired of a mob movie or a police procedural and here you have both in one! I hear the cash registers already.
My picks for actors: Robin Williams as the pedophile. It could be his chance to break back into a real acting career that doesn't annoy people. Throw in Denzel as the head police chief and the cast of The Sopranos as the underworld and you got a killer movie there hoss.
1: Them! (Dir: Gordon Douglas) 1954: Summary: Atomic nuclear tests in New Mexico cause the ant population to become mutated into massive proportions and of course, havoc is wreaked! (wrocked" wreacted?)
Why it could use an Update: I'm calling it now, monster movies are coming back and in a big way. The Host got some people excited (and is getting remade), everyone seemed to like Slither, and now it's time for the ants to attack again. I love the original but let's not kid ourselves here; some of the effects were pretty damn bad even for 1954. CG ants could be pretty awesome and as long as they don't look like the spiders from Eight Legged Freaks, everyone will be ok.
My picks for actors: Clint Eastwood as the title character Sgt. Ben Peterson and if he doesn't feel like doing it, then get Damian Lewis in there. I liked him in Band of Brothers… I really have no other people in mind.
There you have it, a nice solid and coherent list of movies that are about due for a remake. They were all due for a remake long before Prom Night, My Bloody Valentine, Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Halloween, April Fools Day- I can keep going all day here…..