Three Horror Remakes That Are Guaranteed to Suck


I just did a piece on Five Horror Remakes / Sequels worth watching which got me thinking of three particular movies that no matter who directs or how Hollywood tries to redo them.. they will suck ass. And in case you don't speak my lingo that means they will not be worth the film they are shot on.

There are alot of remakes up and coming and for the most part they could go either way. But three films that will be completely bastardized any way you cut it are Let The Right One In, Martyrs and Battle Royale. Let the Right One in Hollywood may stand a small 2% chance of doing ok but Martyrs and Battle Royale is a clear cut, don't do it.

Let The Right One in tells the story of a little girl who is a vampire and her relationship with a troubled boy who lives next door. The films focus is on teen angst and love while still offering a good mix of blood and carnage that brings alot of polish to the film. There is no way that Hollywood is going to be willing to do a movie about YOUNG vampire love. At best they will make the kids older teenagers and they will most certainly not be willing to touch the taboo subjects hit on in the film. Admittedly their is no actual sexual content but their is plenty implied and how do they figure they can do this with an R rating ? Much less the PG-13 rating the studio is sure to aim for to get the film out for mass consumption. It cant be done... period.

Next up we have Battle Royale. This one is a pretty easy one to make a case against. Even if the studios decide to suck it up and go for an R rating they still can not do the movie. Hollywood is not going to be able to put out a movie about children that kill each other. The film tells the tale of a class of Grade Nine students who are pitted against each other in a violent fight to the death. Can you see any studio willing to touch this? Instead we will end up with the cast of Gossip Girl trapped on an island pitting wills against each other in a PG-13 horror version of 'Survivor'. Seriously... why even bother?

Last but not least we have Martyrs. Martytrs is a FANTASTIC movie that is also one of the most sadistic and violent movies ever made. It redefines the word disturbing and makes Eli Roths HOSTEL look like a G rated Disney Movie. It clearly could never get a PG-13 Rating to be done right and even with an R rating you would have to severely tone done the insane level of sadistic violence. Once again I can see the Hollywood Machine casting some light weight from a WB show and we will end up with a film bastardized even worse then the remake of Prom Night.

All three of these movies are fantastic and in no uncertain terms no matter how much glitz, gloss and 3-D fx Hollywood throws at them.. they will suck. Martyrs and Battle Royale are the definition of over the top violence and simply can not be done. Even if you got Eli Roth to do it you wouldn't be able to muster up the level of sadism mixed with fantastic story telling that the originals brought. Now that I have told you about three remakes that I feel will be bastardized regardless of how it is done. What upcoming remakes are you sure are doomed to fail?

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