PoppaScotch's Rejected Horror RemakesPoppaScotch
It’s no secret that there are remakes being shot out of Hollywood’s uterus left and right these days. What you may not know however is that I personally have a little bit of sway in the big studio horror movie business. That’s right, I’m constantly being called by the big studio fat cats (whose names I can never remember due to my addiction to whippets and model airplane glue) to come up with new and interesting ideas for their reboot/reimagining/remake scenarios. Unfortunately though, they never use my suggestions for reasons I can assume equate to the ideas being too mind bogglingly awesome. Just to show all of you how awesome and stupid fresh these ideas are, I wanted to post limited few of the rejected ones (Editor’s note: They have all been rejected as of today). Without further ado, I give you 7 future remakes and how they could have made some killer movies.
Predator: Instead of having a bunch of weird beefy guys with bad indicators of humor in the jungle, I wish to purpose that we bring an explosion and Wilhelm scream filled fight to the predator’s home planet. Lead by a cocksure Captain name Lt. Harry McKickssomeass (played by Colin Farrell) humans come to the predator planet and lay down the boom on the predators and their entire alien race. Lt. McKickssomeass obviously takes time to learn a valuable life lesson about tyranny via an oppressive military state and the small chance that it can actually be bad in some socioeconomic situations. He also hooks up with a hot predator chick and their forbidden love spurs a “predhuman” that by some nasty turn of the irony screw is a giant pansy.
Scanners: What made the original so awesome? That’s right! When that dude’s head exploded everywhere! Since this is a remake though we must think outside the box of good taste, tact, or subtle meaning. That’s right! You guessed it! An entire neighborhood of people with exploding heads! Men, women, children, talking dogs- no one is safe from the exploding head menace of some creepy guy. Oh yeah, we should definitely make Mel Gibson the creepy guy that can blow up people’s heads like whoa. It just seems right and it would be bananas.
Poltergeist: Well the original was a masterful tale about a family and their strong bond that beat any other obstacle in apparently any dimension. So let’s toss all that sappy crap out of the window and focus on some good old fashioned hot-young-girls-that-are-actually-more-cute-than-hot-in-high-school-and-of-course-PG-13-dialogue-and-situations. There is nothing that could make a horror movie better than slapping some ghost effects around and setting it in a high school where for some reason, none of the student ever reference hard drugs or use foul language. Use every horror convention (black cat, crescendo scare fake out moments, creepy old guy with a warning of future events) you can possibly think of while giving out half assed “homage” moments to the original.
Nightmare on Elm Street: Forget everything you knew about the Freddy that you absolutely fell in love with back in the 80’stacular 1980’s. We want to go for more of a “Dark Knight” feel to this whole reboot and we should probably do whatever we can to make him “darker” and maybe even a bit “scary”. Freddy always had kind of a ridiculous voice, but I think we can go deeper than that with the possibility of limiting his whole voice box for most of the time. Also instead of just a few hot girls, this should all be happening in an all girls school (how did they not think of that the first time?) rather than Backwoods Public High. There should also be a talking dog somewhere too, good writers can work that in and make it work.
Hellraiser: I smell an origin story here a brewin’ like the Molson that flows everywhere south of the border. In the film, we take the entire running time explaining who pinhead is and where he came from (if time permits throw in something about the fat guy with the shades and the girl with the vagina neck). Most likely in the real world they were all involved in a pyramid scheme or they invented junk email. It has to be something really terrible that justifys what they become. I feel like this would also be a good time to throw in some dude-anatomy. I see chatterbox as a former nude model. I don’t know why. Most importantly, it adds so much to a character when we know everything about him in all detail not questioning where an entirely evil being hangs his hat.
Children of the Corn: If there is one thing the horror world hasn’t seen enough its creepy kids. Especially creepy kids who are unsupervised and probably evil (British). Instead of having the kids terrorize a young couple, what we should probably do is dress up all of the children like clowns and have them struggling to put together a good circus act (with horrific results, like there aren’t enough red noses or hilariously large pants). This would be the perfect time to have them come together to make a peaceful and honest society with a conch like in Lord of the Flies. Everyone was happy in that book! This would be another great place for a talking animal, probably another dog.
Piranha 3D: Since the first Piranha was a blatant rip off of Jaws, this should clearly be a rip-off of another extremely popular movie. Someone genetically engineers dinosaurs from a mosquito that was found in a solid piece of fossilized amber. They grow up and of course agree to be put into a theme park, but things go to hell when the dinosaurs realize that they are a bunch of badasses. Do not ask me how to explain how they created numerous different kinds of dinosaurs with only a microscopic DNA sample from one dinosaur. A talking dinosaur dispensing a life lesson to the two adorable tweens in not negotiable, it is a must.
House on Sorority Row: Just give them a lot of boobies and some weak excuse for a killer with a terrible motive. The kids will be pouring into the theatre as long as we don’t spend more than like 15 million making it. Kids are idiots.