Poppascotch’s Rejected Horror Remakes Part 2PoppaScotch
I don’t know what the problem is out there on the left coast. I keep coming up with amazing ideas for remakes but no one ever listens to me. I’m a cash cow that needs to be milked badly, like, if I don’t get milked right now, there will be a river of milk in someone’s living room. It will be a rancid river of bad stenches and great ideas! I tried pitching more amazing story ideas at Hollywood fat cats than Nolan Ryan before, but I have since only come up empty handed. I can’t believe that not only do I have the intellect to prepare a brand new batch of ideas, but even they got rejected! What is wrong with these Californiaites? I am a river of gold overflowing on the banks of promise and questionable morals! Well, I guess if these ideas are bad enough not to be the basis of multimillion dollar projects, then I guess they are good enough for you guys. Here are how the movies would be made if you put me at the helm.
Escape From New York – For this reboot, it would probably be best to take out the whole “New York is crappy dump of a jail” thing and just go ahead and relocate it to New Jersey (which is what everyone was thinking anyways when they watched it). Production saves money because we won’t have to dress a single set! Then we can send in a new young and spunky Snake Plisken (Zac Efron) in to Dirty Jerz to blow things up, get the girl, and liberate the state of New Jersey (blow the damn thing up). We’ll cast Megan Fox as the girl that was kidnapped and have her run around in something skimpy for the boys and mentally underdeveloped men. For the kids, we’ll throw in some sort of adorable robot sidekick who learns about love. It will only be a matter of time until I’m swimming in my vat of money (a la Scrooge McDuck).
The Birds – The key to this film is really selling the building tension of the inevitable situation, that way when the birds attack, the audience will totally go for the ride with us. So what we need to do is shoot the whole thing hand held in a documentary style so that people ”get” the immediacy of the situation. Also flying the camera around makes people sick which is the same thing as scaring them and that’s the most important thing. Instead of birds just attacking people, let’s make it a bit more socially aware of itself and have only have bad ass birds like Falcons and Eagles and pterodactyls eating people left and right. Thinking we should make all the birds robotic or have a robot overlord instructing them. Robots are in. Either way, it’s an awesome idea.
Martyrs – We’ll it’s going to be a lot of work to get this movie down to a teenager friendly PG-13 but I think I have the trick. Take out the gore, torture, religious overtones, and the first fifteen minutes of running time and then BAM, you have a great movie about two girls who mutually help each other out with their social lives and disposing of bodies. You know the girl that sees the crazy ghost-makes-me-cut-myself thing? Well we’ll replace that with some sort of spunky sidekick ghost who plays by its own rules. The other young lady will be able to talk to animals with, of course, no real explanation at all because it’s adorable.
They Live – Another camp classic that we can reengineer to perfection. Obviously I think it’s no question here that we cast The Rock as the main character while replacing the Keith David character with a spunky sidekick who doesn’t play by the rules. Maybe an anthropomorphic cold war unicorn hell bent on some commie revenge. We want to try to make it more gritty and realistic than the original so instead of glasses, we’re going to exchange that with an iphone app that can see the evil raisin people. The kids will love it and it makes so much more sense! Oh and instead of being a drifter, make Nada (the Rock) an Ex MMA fighter hell bent on commie revenge!
Candyman – Urban horror has been done so many times to a perfect conclusion with Leprechaun in tha Hood, Bloodz vs Werewolves, and even Leprechaun Back 2 tha Hood. It’s going to be hard to top those, but I think we can do it if we can get Denzel in here to be the lead with a spunky half-donkey/man sidekick who reinvents the rules. They will travel around in a motorcycle and side car while doing death defying stunts on a vertical wall. Somewhere in here, we will mix in subtle ideas and themes about ownership and cultural identity, probably with some sort of singing pickle show. It will be classy though.
The Craft – Twilight is all the rage with those god damn tweens for some reason, so why not do the same thing but with witches? We can add a bunch of hot guy witches in there and have them brood over one another until the emo kids start cutting themselves right into Hot Topic! Then as the sexual tension is about to explode, bring in the Wu Tang Clan and the 3-6 mafia to take on this epic gathering of misunderstood witches. The twist is that the Witches were actually pro volleyball players bent on taking back the cup from the soviets. We’ll iron out that boring story part later.
The Lost Boys – Everyone loves the Lost Boys so what we’re going to do is cast Jack Bauer back in the driver’s seat, that’s right – he is going to play the protagonist as a teenager struggling to find his place in a new beachfront town. The teenage vampires will all look foreign to him, not because they are vampires, but because they are terrorists. Jack Bauer has only 2 hours to rid the world of the vampires terrorists and has to be home by midnight to write his term paper. Soundtrack by Miley Cyrus and Dokken.
Black Christmas – Ok, what we are going to do here is cast a bunch of young and attractive girls and really pressed the issue of an insane inbred sibling… wait… what? Who already did this?… When?... Oh well to hell with it, we’ll reboot that faster than the Hulk… but with hotter girls and even more poorly contrived story elements and terrible motivations and characters. This is going to be the hardest one.