The Five Most Ridiculous Horror Weapons

PoppaScotch

When slashers became prominent in the 80’s, we went into a magical segment of horror film history where as the box office (and fan based) draw no longer became the protagonist of the story.   It was all about seeing out favorite masked killers named Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers systematically dispose of filmic representations of those assholes that I saw (and hated) in High School every day.  When the regular run of the mill slaughter became boring, the kills themselves has to get more intense and creative.  The killers became more ruthless and the weapons became more insane.  Of course like any group of people who are trying to outdo one another, things get out of hand and quickly delve into the dark world of unintentional laughter.  Who knows though, maybe at the point of these events, there was a sort of “mad scientist” approach to on screen deaths since the situation was already insane, what the hell would it matter if the death scenes were ridiculous as well?  Well I guess we will never know… but we could probably make a sound decision after checking out my list of The 5 Most Ridiculous Horror Weapons.

5: Mind – Scanners (Dir: David Cronenberg – 1981)

Dispatched:  A poor interviewer gets his head blow up by a scanner (telepathic) named Darryl Revok (Michael Ironside).

Ridiculous because:  When people think of telepathy, I would say that the most common thread is the idea of mind control.  No one immediately calls to mind being able to concentrate your power to blow up one specific person’s head!  Really do I need to say much about this kill?  It’s an absolute classic and even if you haven’t seen the movie, you’ve seen this clip at least 80 million times on the early days of the Daily Show (along with the head smash in Rikki-Oh) or as an animated gif blindly attached to an email by the cool supervisor at work while explaining some new mind numbing  policy.

4: Garage Door – Scream (Dir: Wes Craven - 1996)

Dispatched:  Poor Tatum (Rose McGowan) buys the farm after she gets caught trying to escape the infamous killer in a doggy door on an automatic garage door.

Ridiculous because:  Well, no garage door ever made will open if you have 110 pounds of nubile teen hanging from it, but let’s forget about that whole lame “reality” thing for a second.  It’s insane because at any moment, the killer could have walked up to her as she was stuck and stabbed her to death.  That would have been boring however and apparently the killer was one of those kids who used to burn ants and those plastic green army soldiers with a magnifying glass as a kid, you know just to “see what happens”.  I would imagine the killer then exclaimed “I can’t believe that just worked”.

3:  Staircoaster – Gremlins (Dir: Joe Dante - 1984)

Dispatched:  An elderly woman gets maliciously thrown from a second story house when Gremlins mess with her stair climbing electric ride.

Ridiculous because:  Most of these deaths are ridiculous because of their screaming inefficiency, but in this case the Gremlins all seem to know enough about electrical work to super speed a chair about 40 mph (or like 60kmph for our overseas friends!) above any speed that the chair would ever be programmed to go.  Not only is this insane, but  I think that the old woman would have probably died if she coughed hard enough so having her hit a wall or the top of a door frame would have probably been good enough.  But “Wily Joe” Dante would not be satisfied until they launched that bitch out of a window as if she was a coconut that was shot out of a canon.

2: Cotton Candy Gun – Killer Klowns From Outer Space (Dir: Stephen Chiodo – 1988)

Dispatched:  Numerous town residents are killed when the demonic alien Klowns shoot them with a special gun that wraps them in cotton candy.  Don’t let the pleasant image of cotton candy fool you, the people are then sucked out of the cotton candy cocoon for nourishment via a straw.

Ridiculous because:  Did I really need to say anything after that description?  Ok fine, I will now go on record as saying that damn near nothing about this movie makes sense on any plain of existence, and yet I still can’t ever stop watching it when it shows up on the SciFi SyFy Network.  It was a toss up between this and the shadow puppet death, but I felt that the cotton candy gun is more socially relevant.  I mean like totally man (*bong hit*) are we all just like, one mass of cotton candy just like (*bong hit*) waiting to be consumed by those corporate Killer Klowns of life? (*bong hit*)

1: Sleeping Bag – Friday the 13th Part VII (Dir: John Carl Buechler - 1988)

Dispatched:  A young girl spends her last moments on earth cowering away from Jason in her sleeping bag.  Jason, having “none of that s**t” picks up the sleeping bag and slams her against a tree till he makes yet another dead body.

Ridiculous because:  Think about this for a second, at this point the people over at Paramount were on their SEVENTH Jason movie.  Jason’s mission statement is that he kills a whole lot of people, so by the time this one came along, everyone was plum out of ideas.  There is really nothing redeeming out a kill when the person doing the slaughtering is killing people with the obvious mindset of “ah well f**k it”.  People losing passion is their work can be so sad and this is probably the only case in history that it was ever this awesome

So what did you think of the list?  Do you agree?  Did you have a good time?  Wanna flood the forum with kill scenes that I should have chosen?  Let me hear it!

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