So, You’ve Fallen into a Zombie Comedy

Scientist have concluded that one in seven people will at some point in their life, find themselves knee deep in a situation that could be best described as a “zombie comedy”.  This can be a slightly stressful situation, but don’t fret!  As long as you are stupidly optimistic and ready to roll with the punches, you’ll find that the situation can be easily overcome with something I like to call the I.D.I.O.T system.  The I.D.I.O.T system is a method that can provide keen third party insight while you and your dwindling band of survivors are stuck in a corner with no idea on how to progress.  Also, remember that this system only applies to people stuck in zombie comedies.  If you find yourself stuck in an actual zombie situation, then you are absolutely screwed and probably going to die.  So, if you are sure you’re in the right place, let’s enthusiastically begin with Step 1!

Step 1: Identify yourself.  If you feel that you are in a zombie comedy, or that one is fast approaching you, it’s vital that you take the time to perform a personal evaluation.  Only certain characters are likely to make it out with alive and no one will survive with a clean slate.  Are you a happy go lucky loser trying to prove yourself in the world?  Well then you are probably fine.  Are you a hot headed gym teacher who gets their rocks off making kids feel like crap all the time?  Then boy you better get your act straight or work on that last will and testament while you’re still upright.  There is no room for you here, and the only pleasure anyone will get is seeing you ripped apart.  Remember, you have to be brutally honest with yourself if you plan on staying alive.  On a side note, stay away from children.  In past years, it was a safe bet that the kid will always survive, but lately, that just isn’t the case.

Step 2: Defend the proper position.  The more wacky and eccentric your group is, the more ridiculous and wacky your stronghold can be.  If you are in a group of staunch old British men, you better be 1000 miles beneath the earth with enough food to feed everyone for years otherwise the group will emotionally and physically eat each other.  Then again, if you are partnered with Will Ferrell, Seth Rogan, and any original cast member from M.A.S.H, then you can probably have rock fights with one another in the plate glass door museum and still survive the ordeal.  I don’t make the rules, I just respect them.

Step 3: Identify the enemy.  This may seem pretty simple, but actually it is much more complicated that just “the zombie is bad”.  Watch your group for potential trouble makers.  There is always going to be someone that wants to take a stupid risk that will end up killing everyone.  However, if the risk is stupid beyond any kind of normal human comprehension then there is absolutely nothing to worry about.  If someone wants to leave the stronghold to save their sweet old nana, then everyone is as good as dead somehow.  If they want to leave the stronghold to pick up a Sudoku puzzle on the other end of town that they left at the bagel shop this morning then it will all work out, and you will probably find the cure to the zombie apocalypse on the way while running into other quirky characters.

Step 4: Don’t ignOre everything useful you learned in elementary school.  When there are a litter of zombies all around you, it’s important to have at least some basic education.  Oh you thought that math would never come in handy?  Well how will you keep track of how many rounds you just stuffed in your extended AK clip?  Yeah sure 80 will fit, but then it will probably jam on you.  This math will save your life.  Wait… ok, this is more for the people in a realistic zombie movie.  If you are in a zombie comedy you will probably have to use math or science to make drugs of some sort.  Then of course some hijinks will ensue and everything will work itself out.  If you can count to 100 without referring to the level of your character on World of Warcraft, then you are probably fine.

Step 5: Try new things.  It’s the zombie apocalypse!  So why not live a little bit since soon you or someone you kinda like will probably die.  Remember, you’re in a zombie comedy so pretty much anything goes.  Wanna waste bullets by chasing them with shots of tequila?  Go for it!  You probably won’t need them later because you’ll find a plot specific fire extinguisher or a cream pie that you can easily dispatch your enemy with.  Is someone in your group loud, annoying, or just a dick?  Well don’t worry; they will probably die horribly and hilariously!

That concludes our lesson for today.  I hope that in the semi-unfortunate event of you finding yourself in a zombie comedy, the I.D.I.O.T system will come in handy.  If it doesn’t well… your dead… so please don’t sue.  Also with that last bit, if you happen to be an attractive young girl, don’t hesitate to get to know the movie nerd in the group.  He probably has a lot of good ideas and if you give him a chance, then maybe he could be the man you were looking for all your life.  Also, if you finally find that guy you have been looking for your whole life, he’s probably already a zombie wants to eat you (in a bad way.  ZING!!).  In that case, then you’re already dead.  Unless you are wearing a funny hat or have some interesting quirk like you ride a moped or something.