How To Defeat a Critter

If you currently live within any kind of culture that has balls, the men of your village are already aware of all of these time tested and successfully executed tips to defeat Crites.  It many civilized cultures and communes, it is actually a rite of passage into manhood to survive a Critter attack in an 18’ x 18’ pit with 3 young Crites.  My Pappy did it, my father survived it, and so did I. 

I can only hope that one day Kickass Von Ladykiller (that’s my son, some morons need me to spell that out for them) will also become a man when he emerges victorious from the great Crite pit.  In case for some strange reason you aren’t familiar with Crites (of Critters), then this guide will help you should you ever have to take up arms against them.  They can be deceivingly hard to defeat without conventional weapons (knives, boomsticks, staple guns), but with the proper practice, and a little book learnin’, I believe that anyone can defeat a clutch of Critters.

Tip 1: Corner Yourself

In many battles where you are outnumbered, it can be a bad idea to get into a corner and fight the enemy head on.  With Critters however, this is exactly what you want to do.  They will often begin by playing with you because for some reason, they believe that since they are smart enough to pilot interstellar space craft, then they are hot shit.  Well, even hot shit can get kicked clear across the room (ask anyone), especially when their primary mode of transportation rivals that of a smart basketball.  You will be tempted at first to immediately kick one of these little bastards like you’re the kicker from the Steelers (Mr. McSteely?), but whatever you do, DO NOT STRIKE FIRST! 

Tip 2: Make Short and Swift Defensive Leg Jabs

At this point the Critters will either still be playing with you or trying to parlay themselves into some kind of hunting formation.  This is the point where you make short controlled kicks at the critters, not to actually kill them, but to throw off their strike timing.  I have seen many good men go down when three lunge at them concurrently like a group of lions to one lion lady (I never studied real animals).  Don’t make this mistake.

Tip 3: Mind the Teeth

Critters have a set of chompers that looks like some kind of a cross between a shark and the most horrible nightmare you’ve ever had.  They also have the power to latch on to someone like a pit bull, so you best be mindful of where their teeth are at all times.  This includes both the times when they are flying directly at your face/sternum/leg/shoulder, or when you are just about to punt them through the figurative “uprights” (or literal uprights depending on your cultures “house rules”).  If you see white, get ready to dodge or pull back on that kick Pele.

Tip 4:  Do Kill Stomps at the Right Time

This ties in very closely with Tip 3.  If you expect to take out these little jerks with any kind of emphatic presence (to send a message to the others) then you have to perfect the stomp.  The stomp for those of you that don’t know, is raising your foot high into the air then come down violently on the little SOB in an effort to make an awesome squishy sound and hopefully end its hideous god forsaken life.  With this maneuver, timing is everything.  Whether you hit or miss, you absolutely must recover quickly.

Tip 5:  Recover Quickly

Hey I just mentioned that!  Well, anyways you need to recover quickly after any offensive attack.  With the stomp, you will most likely have an arm, leg, or shoulder exposed that the Critters will have an easy time latching on to.  In fact, there is a very good chance that at some point you will have a Critter attached to you.  The first thing that you must remember is to not panic.  Second thing you want to do is to approach the situation the exact same way that you approached your bachelor party.  Start by finding a hard surface and start slamming the Critter, between your body and the surface as hard as possible.   This will hurt a lot, but they will eventually let go (probably out of respect for your reckless treatment of your own body).  Also heads up for the poison darts that they shoot out of their backs somehow.  Remove as quickly as possible because prolonged exposure to these darts can be fatal.

Tip 6:  Eyes on the Prize

Remember, your goal is to kill the Critters, not to make them your friends so do not hesitate to use illegal holds or barred punches on these mini balls from hell.  It’s also crucial to understand that for most of the battle, you will be defensively dodging so stay vigilant and remember to always stomp with passion!

Follow this guide and I’m sure that all your critter killing bloodlust will be fulfilled as well as the legacy of your fallen ancestors.