5 Unlikely Horror Movie Survivors

PoppaScotch

In many a good horror film, by the time that is all said and done, there has been death, dismemberment, and atrocities committed against man that can only be classified as outrageously inhumane.  Unfortunately, this means that almost every single time, all of the good guys are not going to make it to the final reel. 

Characters that the audience falls in love with have to die in order to add weight to a complex and life threatening situation and more often than not, we are left with only a handful of survivors.  Sometimes these survivors use their wit, cunning, and survival skills to thwart the monster in question, and sometimes they survive because of blind luck, good fortune, and/or horrible oversights by their pursuers.  What I present to you is five survivors from Horror films that in no way should have lived to see the final credits. SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!   (If you hadn’t figured it out yet from the last sentance)

Charley Brewster – Fright Night (Dir: Tom Holland – 1985): Charley is a normal American high school student who happens to have a real-life vampire move in right next door.  Through a few well placed and random occurrences, Charley sees that his neighbor owns and often transports a coffin and he likes to bite young girl’s necks till they die.  Jerry, the vampire next door gets wise to the kid snooping around and goes after him, by dating his mom and kidnapping his girlfriend.  Charley then asks an old cooz horror video show host to help him fight Jerry, the real vampire.  At what point in the planning process does any of this seem like a good idea?  Nonetheless you have an awkward teenager and an elderly man fighting a vampire, which if I were a betting man, I’m going with the vampire.  But somehow, the vampire dies and everyone is alive and safe.  No vampire who has lived that long wouldn’t have nipped that Charley problem in the butt in two seconds.  Failing that, I really liked to think that someone who’s very existence is so fragile would know by now to close the blinds for crying out loud.

Billy Peltzer – Gremlins (Dir: Joe Dante - 1984) Billy is a classic all American momma’s boy who wears ugly sweaters and breaks the only three rules about his new exotic pet on the first freakin’ night he has it.  I mean really, this is grounds for death already, but I allowed it because I need that Billy would get his eventually, and to my dismay, he never did.  He was solely responsible for the deaths of a number of town residents by the hands of evil creatures whom had no sympathy for the concept of “life”.  Billy then undergoes a character reversal and kills most of the gremlins and proceeds to “mop up” the last few in a sporting goods store while somehow magically not dying.  Really?  I don’t like to think that in a world where the “hero” is that much of a pansy, and wearing shirts that made a modern day ugly sweater party cringe, that he would make it to the end of the film.  If that’s how it’s gonna be, count me out.  As for Phoebe Cates surviving… I’m perfectly OK with that.

All of Them – The Goonies (Dir: Richard Donner - 1985) Well ok, maybe The Goonies isn’t the best example of a horror film, but having four unsupervised youths trolling around in a cave and solving dangerous and often death inducing puzzles is at least terrifying to any parent of a bored child.  The obstacles that they must overcome involved giant falling rocks, the floors coming out from under them, and the launching of a pirate ship.  Now you’re telling me that during all of that dangerous stuff that no adult has previously survived in something like 70 years, all of these snot nose brats made it out?  Even Chunk?  Oh yeah and they were being chased by some gangster family that has no qualms whatsoever about killing children.  The math on all of them surviving is just a bit of a stretch.  They even made a new friend!  Seriously, another person gets added to the group?  I’m calling bullshit on this one.

Justin - Event Horizon (Dir: Paul W.S Anderson – 1997) Justin from the film Event Horizon is an interesting case.  At first, he goes through an interdimensional vortex into the gates of hell and comes out alive, but catatonic.  He wakes up in some kind of trance and tried to shoot himself out of an airlock which of course leaves him heavily injured.  Justin spends the rest of the film in cryosleep on the deck of the Event Horizon while the movie goes on and forgets about him.  Now, that is a lot to go through for the character and I’m not saying that he didn’t earn his survival, I’m just confused as to why the ship let him live.  Think about it for a second, the whole ship is alive and evil and Justin is forced to trust his life support functionality on the ships medical capabilities.  At any time it could have been just shut off and Justin would have died, but it never happened.  Seems like the ship forgot about him, just like the screen writers did.  It would have been a lot easier and a lot more plausible to just kill him.

Sally Hardesty – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Dir: Tobe Hooper – 1974) You would think that a family of cannibals would be pretty good at hunting down and killing anyone who stumbled on to their land.  I mean, c’mon it’s their home turf and ever since the meat packing plant closed down, they’ve had the time to refine their skills.  Insert Sally, who spends basically the entire movie running away and screaming.  I’m not saying that this isn’t a valid response, or exactly what I would be doing too, I’m just saying that she kind of makes herself a pretty easy target.  Add on top of all of that the fact that she was actually tied up and getting smacked on the head with a hammer and still managed to get away and you have yourself a pretty big lapse in efficiency from the family of cannibals.  No reason Sally should have ever made it out of there.

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