Five Horror Heroines You'd Like To Date, But Probably Shouldn't

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It never fails.  You and your friends are sitting around, watching some horror heroine put the smack down on the bad guy(s), and one of them says, “Man, I'd love to get with that”. No, you wouldn't.

Sure, horror heroines are tough, smart and sexy, but they've got more baggage than an airport.  There's no doubt that these women bring the goods, but the sorts of things that you'd have to put up with if you dated one of them should put you off the idea for good.

Listed below are five horror heroines who, while all wonderful in their own way, are more trouble than you'd ever want to deal with.  The heroines are listed in order from simply bad to date, all the way up to absolutely catastrophic to date.  While the list is dedicated to the fellas, I've got a little something for the ladies at the bottom.

5:  Laurie Strode (Halloween): Laurie has some nice qualities.  She's resourceful, thoughtful and not hard on the eyes.  The catch here is that she has a stalker.  The Shape is not the “hide in the bushes and make threatening phone calls” sort of stalker.  He's the “break into your house and stab the living crap out of you” sort of stalker.  Did I mention that he's virtually indestructible?  Definitely another mark against her.

On the plus side, he's fairly predictable.  He likes to show up around Halloween.  It doesn't seem like it would be too difficult to plan your vacation for whatever week Halloween falls on and just give him the slip entirely.  I figure he'll blow into town, off a few people, get himself shot/stabbed/blown up/whatever and carted away, all while you're sipping drinks with little umbrellas in the tropics.  It's just a matter of making sure that you've already left by the time he arrives and don't return until he's gone.

Due to the ease with which you can evade The Shape, combined with Laurie's level of pure awesomeness in dealing with a guy that should've snapped her like a twig, Laurie is number five on the list.  In all honesty, if you're planning on just having a “spring fling” with Laurie, then I'd remove her from the list entirely.  I would advise, however, that if she's hanging up the shirts and you're feeling amorous, DO NOT try to sneak up behind her and give her a kiss.  She's dangerous with a hanger.

4:  Selene (Underworld): Gorgeous face, killer body and sexy in every sense of the word, Selene looks like a keeper.  Looks, as they say, can be deceiving.  The problem with Selene is that you two have absolutely nothing in common.

What are you going to talk about?  When you're sitting at the breakfast table, talking about how work was last night, how is that going to play out?  She'll say something like, “...so then I managed to behead the third Lycan while simultaneously putting a bullet through the heart of the double-crossing vampire that set me up.”  Then it'll be your turn, whereupon your story will go something like,  “...then I stepped from behind the counter and told both of them to take the video games out of their jackets and leave before I called the cops.  I know it doesn't sound like much, but they were pretty big for thirteen year-olds.”

As already mentioned, Selene is beautiful, but how's the sex going to work out?  Sex is a full-contact sport and, like all such sports, the better the shape that you're in, the better at it you're likely going to be.  Selene is in phenomenally fantastic physical condition.  Your training regimen is probably not as rigorous as hers (nor are you a vampire), so what this boils down to is you being just some flabby, frail, sex-toy.  Your stamina is a joke and you'll be huffing and gasping for air long before she's even close to satisfied.  I know what you're thinking, “I don't care.  As long as I'm getting some of that, I'm okay.”  Let me reply by saying first that, considering your attitude towards attending a woman's sexual needs, I can't imagine why you're still single.  It's a true conundrum.  Second, do you know what kind of injury a rupture of the tunica albuginea is?  No?  Don't worry, you're going to find out the hard way.

While the constant reminders of your physical inadequacies is definitely a let-down, the fact that Selene is absurdly sexy offsets that somewhat, placing Selene at the number four spot.

3:  Rachel Keller (The Ring): Drop-dead gorgeous with a mind for uncovering facts, Rachel's like a super-hot version of Nancy Drew.  She's got a kid and, depending on how you feel about that sort of thing, that may or may not be a deal-breaker.  Assuming that you can get over the kid, there's one other snag:  Samara.

On the off-chance that you're unfamiliar with Samara, she's a supernatural killer.  What's her modus operandi, you ask?  You watch a movie and seven days later she hauls herself out of a TV, shuffles across your floor, (tracking water everywhere she goes, like you need another mess to clean up), gets all up in your face and then tries to scare you to death by flashing you her toughest mean-mug.  Of course, if you wanted drenched, black-hair-dyed, emo tweens to glare at you, you'd trip the sprinkler system at a Hot Topic.  Since you've never done that (I'm guessing), you probably don't want to deal with the hassle that is Samara.

You're not going to give Samara the slip, either.  Oh, sure, that might work on The Shape, but Samara is more persistent.  Therefore, you're going to have to get a little more creative when dealing with her.  Consider, on the seventh day, having your dog pee in front of the TV.  When she crawls her soggy ass out of the TV, she just might be disgusted enough to go back in.

Unfortunately, no matter what you do, she'll be back at some point and you'll have to go through this whole charade over and over.  There's probably always going to be some nitwit jamming the stupid tape into a VCR somewhere (although, if we consider the relative obsolescence of the VCR, this shouldn't be happening too many more times).  Rachel feels that she can't just let these people die off, so she'll always be rushing off to help them and destroy copies of the tape whenever she can.  She's probably going to want you to go with her, which means you'll have to deal with Samara...again.

Rachel's certainly a babe, but the fact that she has a kid and she won't just walk away from Samara (meaning that you'll have to keep saving both her AND her kid), is why she finds herself at the number three position.


2 Kirsty Cotton (Hellraiser) : Kirsty has a girl-next-door sort of beauty about her that really makes her appealing.  Kirsty has a mind that's razor-sharp and she's tough as nails.    Kirsty is smart, but she's also willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done.

Kirsty is also about a thousand times harder than you.  She is absolutely cool with doing things that you're probably not.  Like deliberately going to Hell.  Or wearing her stepmother's skin.

Don't get me wrong, she's not doing this stuff for kicks, she's got an agenda.  But you've got to be seriously hardcore to see four Cenobites and immediately think to yourself, “I should get those guys to drag my uncle back into Hell, act like they're gonna get me too and then give 'em the old fifty-two fake out with the puzzle box”.  You've got to be even harder to actually do it.

When Cenobites appear, she seems alert, but not particularly horrified.  When she sees a Cenobite, she steels her resolve and gets ready to make a deal.  You probably think that you'd do the same, but I think your track record tells a different story.  Remember that time you found a dead snake in your yard and you needed to find a stick longer than your whole body before you'd pick it up?  Cenobites are slightly creepier than that, so I figure that when you see one, you'll curl up in the corner and hug your knees as tears stream down your face with a snot-trail all the way down to your chin.  After something like that, I'm guessing that you'll be moving, changing your cell phone number, deleting all of your e-mail and IM accounts and praying she can't find you.  This is, of course, futile as Kirsty is the same person who successfully navigated her way through Hell.  Good luck, though.

Kirsty's relative nonchalance in the face of overwhelming, gut-wrenching terror, coupled with her ability to do things that would freak out most serial killers, lands her at number two.

#1 Sidney Prescott (Scream): Sidney's got that special “something” that makes her instantly adorable.  It's difficult to nail down exactly what that something is, but whatever it is, she's got it in spades.  Those perfect lips and sultry eyes don't hurt.

The main problem with Sidney is that if you're her boyfriend, you're going to get cut, shot and, ultimately, killed.  I don't mean that you might get killed; you're a dead man.  Sidney's boyfriends wind up in body bags and that's probably something you're trying to avoid.  Strangely, this isn't the worst thing about dating Sidney.

Sidney has a way of being chased by some of the most inept, illogical dumbasses ever.  These people always have some absurd beef with Sidney, but rather than just walk up behind her and pump a slug through her head, they come up with schemes so convoluted that you expect Fred, Thelma and the rest of the gang to jump out and apprehend them.  The nonsensical gibberish these people string together to justify their idiocy will make you pray for death.

Unfortunately for you, at least one of them (they often travel in pairs) is going to run down their ridiculous 1980's Saturday morning cartoon-style plan before you die.  What's even worse is that you fell for it.  Some of you are probably thinking that you'd be willing to take that hit if you could just get with Sidney.  Uh-huh.  Remember that time one of your girlfriends suggested that you get in shape, so you decided to do some sit-ups but stopped after about seven because your stomach started to hurt and so you sat on the couch with a beer instead?  It'll be like that, but instead of your stomach hurting because of sit-ups, it'll be because you just got stabbed.  Also, instead of sitting on the couch with a beer, you'll be laying on the slab with an embalming machine.  Sidney's cute, but she's not that cute.

Due to the fact that your death is guaranteed, as well as you having to fall victim to some of the most scatterbrained villains in the history of the world, Sidney manages to snag the top spot.

And now a word to the ladies (told you I'd get back to you).  Every time some guy talks about how this-or-that horror heroine is awesome and how they'd love to date her (or is simply ogling her like she's an eye-exam chart), I see your shoulders slump, your arms cross and watch you slouch down in your chair.  I imagine this is because you're comparing yourself to her and you're feeling inadequate.  This is some of that crazy, wacky, weird woman-logic that we men just don't understand.  Let's step off to the sidelines for a minute.

In the old days of horror movies, women usually just stood around screaming, waiting to get rescued by the big, strong men.  Eventually this stereotype was discarded because of its absurdity.  Women rarely ever sit around waiting for a man to rescue them, because they don't need to do so.  Women are fast on their feet.  Think about all those times you intended to make one thing for dinner, but were either missing some crucial ingredient or you suddenly remembered that someone doesn't like what you were planning to make, so you improvised on the fly and came up with something that satisfied everyone.  Women are capable.  Think about all those times that you picked up a wrench, screwdriver, hammer or paintbrush, rather than wait for a man to get around to doing it.  And finally, for the acid test, think about which parent a child calls out for when he's hurt.  To a child, mommy is basically a goddess draped in flesh that single-handedly and simultaneously soothes injuries, egos and fears.  I'd take a woman with those attributes over a woman who is always on the verge of being stabbed, mauled or soul-flayed any day...and so would every other man.

So ladies, the next time you're with your significant other and his jaw is on the floor while some horror heroine is saving the day, relax.  Just smile, lean back, pat your man on the back, allow him to engage in his ten-second fantasy and always remember this:   Those horror heroines are trying to live up to the ideals set by you, not the other way around.  Now let's get off the sidelines and back in the game.  I can't wait to see what you (and by extension, the women of horror) are going to do next.

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