Poppascotch’s Rejected Horror Remakes Part 3PoppaScotch
All right Hollywood, this is getting ridiculous now. I keep sending out ideas that are f**king gold and I just keep getting treated as if I’m the dumbest person in the room? Whatever man, you were the guys that made not one but TWO Garfield movies as well as a litany of Tyler Perry films, so I really don’t need you rolling through on your coked up white high horse, thank you very much. It’s just so insane, this is the third time I have given them a list of guaranteed blockbusters only to be shut out and going home empty handed. I crap out gold ideas wrapped in money and if they aren’t smart enough to realize it, then it’s their loss. So what do you think? Obviously all of the ideas are amazing, but which one is the most amazing? Even if those stupid Hollywood jerks won’t realize it.
Ginger Snaps – Alright, kinds are for some reason going crazy for hot, young and buff werewolves, so why not do what Twilight did but with girls? I mean c’mon this is a no brainer! We can take out all those boring parts about the "transformation" and we’ll have a howling gold mine laced with blood diamonds! Instead making the girls sisters, we should probably make them quasi-lesbian BFFs as well as increase their numbers from 2 to like… whatever an orgy number is. I guarantee you we can have some PG-13 wiggle room here to fool enough stupid kids into pouring their money into it opening day. PG-13 lesbianish erotic thriller? Sounds great to me! This one can’t fail!
The Shining - Well first off, let’s take out all those parts about having an older couple with a child and make it a hot young rich couple on the up and up (Stock Brokers? Power attorneys? Super heros? People still love super heros). Also, Instead of have them holed up in some secluded winter ruined hotel, (yawn!! Amiright?) We’ll put them in the middle of spring break in Daytona Beach! Sure I know it looks nothing like the Stephen King book now….. But throw in some blood and titties and no one will care. Those were my mother’s dying words…. She had lots of great ideas too.
An American Werewolf in London – I know, I know, another werewolf movie. Yeah sure it seems like a quick hack at trying to make money off of Twilight, but hey this is Hollywood, and we all know that is how it works right? Anyways, first thing that we have to do is move it into a sexier location, like…. I don’t know….
Moscow Chernobyl Spain? Yeah sure that will do, anyways still two main guy characters but we’ll have them BOTH turn into werewolves and then be forced to fight each other to the death in an arena filled with Twinkies and monkeys with firearms. God…. The sequel potential is making me salivate all over my empty burlap sacks with dollar signs on them (Which will be overflowing with money when the movie is made).
The Funhouse – I think that we can all agree that the original took way too god damn long for anything to happen, so in this version we have to make with the gore in spades. I was thinking that instead of just a small group of kids, we use an entire graduating class, that way we will have at least two Funhouse related deaths PER MINUTE. I know it will be hard to come up with that many deaths, but hey, we’ll just make the Funhouse also part dinosaur circus. Boom, problem solved. I am a brilliant idea machine.
Videodrome – This whole pirate signal TV station thing? That has all got to go. We can’t really go with it coming from the internet anymore because kids know how to wrangle that nerd crap, so what is relatively new to kids that they all know what it is, but don’t fully understand it? Well duh, it’s books! Our main character Max Cadillac (that Frodo guy?) stumbles into the strange and unfamiliar surrounding know as "the library" and begins to read about a really like, super intense internet vlog that once existed called Videodrome. The main girl can be Megan Fox, she isn’t doing anything cool right now anyways. I can already here the cash register chingy sounds.
The Blob – Simple, big blob of shit eating attractive young people. Done… wait you want more? Gawd, fine, how bout the blob is a metaphor for something? I don’t know, what the hell do kids believe in these days? Maybe it could be the impending cloud of the damning of social interaction sites on society? Nah, you’re right, it would go right over their heads. Well hell I don’t know what kids care about. Tolerance? Anti-racism? Saving the whales? Fine, to hell with it, it’s a metaphor for saving whales.
The Lawnmower Man – Alright, we have another one of those super computers are evil movie that the kids will definitely fall for. To get the girls in the theater, we’ll have the Lawnmower boy be some young jacked guy and to pull in fellas, he bones a lot of hot girls. Gosh these things just write themselves don’t they! Anyway, we’ll take out that whole mentally handicap thing and add a shitload of awesome CGI with dinosaur, pirates, and ninjas to bring in the internet people. Just pull the dump truck full of money up to my back door and fill up my pool with it. (The pool that you will have to put in first, which you probably won’t mind with all that money and all)
Jack Frost – Was that the story of an insane killer who inhabits the body of a snow man through some weird science defying kind of way? It was? Ok then, yeah, we’re going shot for shot remake on this one… absolutely nothing is wrong with it as it is.
Editors Note: You can read Part 2 of PoppaScotchs Rejected Horror Remakes as well.