Mortuary (2006) Review

Written by: DerbyDemon   

I originally wrote a review for this, but it seemed to get lost. So now I have to live through the horror again and tell about this "SciFi Premiere" big, fat turd a/k/a "Mortuary".  Again, I have wasted two hours of my life that I'll never be able to get back and I STILL couldn't tell you what it was I watched.

Bad?  I can't think of an adjective that would appropriately define this.  Let's just say if it isn't the worst movie I've ever seen, it could be found in my Top 10.  Directed(?) by former horror director great Tobe Hooper (the original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", "The Funhouse", and "Poltergeist--just to name a few), Mortuary is as big a waste of time as you'll ever experience.  I'm left wondering what happened in the time period  between when this was originally set for a theatrical release and when the deal was cut to premiere it on SciFi.  Someone must have suffered severe head trauma to even think anyone should bother with this.  And, Tobe Hooper, what in the f**k were you thinking?  Has it gotten so bad that you are now reduced to directing (in apparently a comatose state) Grade C movies?

The movie starts off as so many other horror movies do:  A family moves to a small town after the death of their father--and it's always after the death of a parent; it can't ever be "well, we're moving because my daughter has a bad habbit of shitting her pants while she's in school and we're WAY embarrased in the neighborhood now to stay"--and they now plan on (cue cute little birdie and butterfly music here) starting their lives over all while running a long-abandoned (cue ominous music now) MOR-TU-ARY/cemetery  that looks like it's centered in the middle of a cesspool.  I guess they had to have the mortuary/cemetary together because that saved extra money for the (*nudge, nudge; wink, wink*) special effects, but I digress. 

Once inside, there seems to be a "fungus among-us", which is completely ignored by everyone.  Hell, I could see it?  Was everyone else blind?  Anyway, it seems this black ooze turns people (both living and dead) into real bad actors, er, I mean, zombies.  I tell you after a very short while it was hard to tell the difference between the zombies and the straight people.  Toss in a cleft palate, cherry-eatin' Swizzler freak, and you've got the biggest mess of a movie since "Hostel".  The movie features Dan Byrd ("The Hills Have Eyes", "Firestarter 2", and the remake of "Salem's Lot") and Denise Crosby ("Dolly Dearest" and "Pet Sematary"--and, honey, what is up with your hairdo?).  I'm not sure but I think they played zombies--or at least they were dead.  Writing credits go to Jace Anderson and Adam Gierasch who must have gotten REAL drunk when they slapped this garbage together.

The run time on the DVD is 94 minutes and contains violence and real bad acting.  Pass on this one guy's.  It's not worth it.