Vampires Vs Zombies Review
Written by: McGarnagle
Imagine you, a few friends, your retarded uncle's bowling team, and a mannequin you found while rummaging through the dumpster behind Wal Mart wanted to make a movie using the webcam you got for your last birthday. If you decided to make your movie about vampires and zombies, you're probably the person who made this movie and I hate you. Oh, also imagine that everyone in the movie can't act. Especially the bowling team. I mean, I saw Troll 2 and that had better acting. The high school production of "West Side Story" put on by the Catatonic Schizophrenics Club would have better acting if it existed. And based on this movie, it does.
I have decided to make this review flow the same way I would imagine Zombies vs. Vampires would if it were a review: a random non-sensical series of paragraphs and sentences that don't really explain anything or give a solid sense of coherence beween each other. I will also not bother editing and/or even make an effort correcting any errors I make as a symbol of the movie's hilariously sad special effects... by which I mean camera cuts... by which I mean webcamera cuts made using editing software that comes with most computers. Once again, I seem to have stumbled upon a movie where the writer is not only the director, but a complete dumbass.
I'm fairly certain director/writer/editor/producer/dumbass Vince D'Amato, douchebag, doesn't even know what a vampire is, other than they have teeth and they bite shit. I',m also willing to bet he thinks they are all lesbians. Even the guy ones. it's never really made clear who is a vampire because everyone seems to be able to survive a stake through the chest, or face (enter the wizardry of the special effect of camera cutting), and most of the characters get bitten, by eacho ther, at some point, usually in broad daylight (?). The zombies are the easiest to spot because of their horrible make-up, but without it, they'd be on par with acting and rigidness of the rest of the people in this movie I refuse to call actors.
The movie starts off with a car hitting a... zombie? I... guess it was (played by, quite obviously, the mannequin) and thenn some biting social commentary on gas prices occurs. That's where the plot pretty much ends. Seriously, I would love to be able to explain the plot, because I bet it's ridiculous, but I am not a super-smart rocket scientichian, which is what you'd have to be to get any sense of a story of this movie. I even checked this website to see if there was a plot summary and nothing! I don't even think the people who made this movie knew what it was about. I did notice that someone, one person, voted to give this movie a 7 stars out of 10 on this site. This means that either some dyslexic person got horribly confused when trying to vote for "Weekend at Bernie's," or that the writer/director/editor/producer of this movie, Vince D'Amato, voted for his own movie, yet didn't even give it that good of a rating. I say this movie was shot with a webcam because it's the only way to explain the constant use of shots that look up, as if from the ground to the characters' faces. This is because Vince D'Amato doesn't have a wireless webcam and had to keep it plugged into his laptop while filming.
Most of the movie takes place on the same stretch of probably Canadian highway, a gas station/someone's backyard,an alternate angle of the same backyard, and a spec house the people who made this probably broke into to shoot some of their movie.
Scariest part: When one of the main characters, Mr. Fontaine, takes of his shirt. He looks like he spent the last month of his life in a nazi concentration camp and that may scare some people-- you know who you are.
I'm not sure when this movie was made, juding by the release date i'd say sometime in 2003 or 2004, but judging by the cell phones used in the movie, i'd say 1993. Then again, judging by its sheer lack of sanity, I'd say the future. I'll go with my instincts and say this movie was (will be) made in the future and has been sent back in time to confuse us and crush our souls, just in time for the robot invasion.
A little over halfway into the movie, the line between cheap low-budget crap movie and cheap low-budget crap porn movie blurred. A strange, probably-meant-to-be-erotic lesbo dream (was it? Maybe. You'll never know even if you watch the movie) scene occurs, proving my theory that women will take off their clothing and kiss other women as long as it says they should on paper. Best part:after the semi-erotic dream sequence, the girls are supposed to be driving along on their way to somewhere never mentioned in the movie, but if you look not all that carefully, you will see that they are cruising along at roughly 3km/h. My favourite character was the brief, and pointless appearance of a tough army zombie? or possibly vampire: played by, again, and obviously, the mannequin. Then, about three quarters of the way into the movie it changed from cheap low-budget crap porn movie into one man's sad, sad lesbian fantasy.
Worst part: Even though I didn't pay to watch this movie, I still feel someone owes me money back. Oh and the robot invasion is coming-- that's going to suck for sure. I am 96% sure this movie is really just three seperate movies, one about vampires, one about zombies and one about Vince d="Amato"'s darkest nightmares/fantasies, spliced together as none of the scenes make sense in relation to any other scenes in the movie. In the past, even when I thought movies didn't make sense, I still knew there was an A to B plot thing happening. This movie didn't even have that. My best guess is that there was only enough money to produce one movie, putting Vince D'Amato into the hilarious situation of wanting all three of his movies to be made into one. The result was "Vince D'Amato Presents: Vince D'Amato's Socially Disturbing Lesbian-Fantasy Nightmares Vs. Zombies Vs. Vampires," which was later shortened to something else with Vince D'Amato's name in the title, then finally to "Vampires Vs. Zombies." Incidentally, this film, according to the cover, is based on a classic vampire tale called "Carmilla." vince D'Amato proves this by having "The End" appear, surprisingly at the end of the movie, over top of a poorly drawn computer graphic of a book (for no apparent reason). I've never read that vampire tale before, but I assume that is just a flat out lie to say this movie was/is/ever will be based on that book.
The most baffling thing, well, one of the most baffling things about this movie is that the title "Vampires vs. zombies" should pretty much have written most of the movie right there. Just take some zombies, take some vampires and have them hit each other while sassy back-talking humans are caught in the middle. But no. I think there are a total or two scenes where zombies and people who are possibly vampires are in the same room. One is near or at the end, and would be considered a twist, had this movie not already twisted itself when it contained what appeared to be three seperate movies in it. As for the audio, which sounded like it was recorded by an 80s-era tape recorder, the music was probably made by the same program that came with the computer that was used for editing, and I don't know if it was just my copy, but the audio didn't synch-up with the video... not even close. Though I'm confident this was just the particular copy, I'm not ruling out that it was Vince D'Amato's lack of ability, which he disguised as Eastern-European-themed art.
In closing, I now hate Vince D'Amato and am openly threatening him with bodily harm. But more specifically to the movie, I think it is a symbol for gay rights. Much like the zombies in the movie, all gay people want is not to be runover by us straight people in our fancy cars, while we're driving and talking into our ridiculously out-of-date and unfabulous cellphones. I think the symbolism is taken further to say that if we don't give gay people what they want, they will eat our flesh and harvest our nutrient-rich organs. oh and we're vampires... sometimes, depending on what fits best at that particular point in the movie. I recommend that all but one copy of this movie should be burned so that other douchebags don't get the idea that they can make movies too. The one remaining copy should be hidden in some underground military facility, guarded by ninja-star throwing ninjas, for further studying,which will hopefully teach us some secret method of defeating our robot-overlord adversaries.
On a personal note, if you happen to watch the credits, everyone listed under "Very Special Thanks" is now on my Worst Enemies list. Yeah that's right "The Gung Fu School," you are dead to me. You may be wondering "who won in the end?" and the answer to that is: after 20 minutes you will forget this movie was even about zombies fighting vampires, which, incidentally, the writer also did. I'm declaring it a draw: for appearing in this movie, I have lost respect for both vampires and zombies and they are both losers. In another, more accurate way, however, the zombies did. Or was it a dream? Fuck it. I don't even know. The ending to the Sopranos finale was less ambiguous if that helps