Alone in The Dark Review
Written by: prddad
A, I know…you don’t have to say it, I will: Who the hell is funding Uwe Boll to make these pieces of crap. I was going to do HOUSE OF THE DEAD, but then realized that I’ve already done one crappy review today, I need something with at least 2 points next to it. So, I took his other piece of crap: Alone in the Dark. Sounds like a lonely-man’s porno, doesn’t it…
Plot/Acting…evil lurks inside a treasure chest, buried under water. Greedy fishermen open it, despite the warnings of a scientist. All hell breaks lose. It’s up to Christian Slater as a private investigator and Tara Reid as a, cough, archaeologist, to fix what has been done…Now, I normally don’t mention actors in plot, but I have to this time. Who out there thinks Tara Reid is believable as an Archaeologist? Same question, but Denise Richards as a Nuclear Scientist? Uwe Boll thought he can bring her acting skills from American Pie to his “horror” movie, and I put quotes there because as a horror movie, it’s a joke. Only good thing about the movie itself? DVD cover. Only thing…Oh, and that Christian Slater can still get a job, even though I’m sure he thought the same thing as I did: “A movie with Uwe Boll as director? Christ my career is at it’s lowest…” Oops, almost forgot one: Brad Douriff (no Braddy, I didn’t forget you). I’m sorry, but I couldn’t feel your part man, so sorry. You were suppose to be a Secret Ops Commander??? Were you snorting something prior to reading the script? I loved you in Blade, what happened afterwards though man???…
Nudity…We’ve all seen Tara Reid nude, nothing there (ewwww, I didn’t mean for that to happen J)
Gore/Scares/CGI…CGI was too much, too dark, reminded me of RELIC. For a movie based on a video game, it shouldn’t have been that hard to make. Can I not get one decent movie based on a game…AND not directed by Uwe Boll!!!...
Bottom Line…a new version just came out: the UNRATED DIRECTOR’S CUT. I don’t foresee there being anything in there that can make this into something it was never meant to be. Sorry Uwe Boll, but your movies blow…