Killer Pad Review
Written by: jmh314
What happens when a horror icon tries his hand behind the camera of an ultra-low budget horror comedy? I'm not quite sure what happens but from the looks of Killer Pad it's nothing good. Horror icon Robert Englund directed this terrible excuse for a horror movie. I am not quite sure how he got involved in Killer Pad but I assume it involved heavy amounts of alcohol and lots of regret in the morning because Englund usually doesn't stamp him name on a turd of a film like this. Somewhere there was a lapse of judgment on Englund's part and it makes you wonder what he did with all that talent he has gained in this business.
In Killer Pad, three friends Craig, Doug, and Brody move from Illinois to California to start their lives away from their parents. When the apartment they were supposed to rent turned out to be non-existent, they buy a house from a seedy cross-dressing Asian Realtor. These boys are as clueless as they come and it is apparent when they get a huge house in the Hills for cheap that something inst right.
On their way to their new house they come across a vagrant Mexican worker. He tries to warn the trio that the house is possessed by "El Diablo" but since they don't speak Spanish they think he wants hot sauce. Once they arrive to find their huge fully furnished place and spend their first night drinking and enjoying life only to hear howling. They go check out their creepy basement to find a large steaming red hole in the basement. They also find what they believe is a coyote but is really a demon dog and think he came from the hole and assume it is an open sewer line. Little do they know the hole is a gateway to hell.
After meeting a hot female neighbor they decide to throw a party to impress her. They do all they can to make this the party of the year with the help of their neighbor Jezebel and her three attractive friends. The party turns out to be a huge success as tons of people show up and all seems going to plan. But the portal to hell in their basement is causing demons to kill of party members and truly turning their place into one killer pad.
The premise of the movie isn't terribly original so there aren't too many surprises with it. The dialog can be considered bad at best. The writing was just absolutely awful as the whole thing played out like a low budget American Pie with some demons. Dialog was one 90 minute long cheesy dick & fart joke that wasn't remotely funny. Sometimes cheesy dialog gives a film that "so bad it's good" vibe, but this films dialog was "so bad it's god awful."
The acting didn't help as all the novice actors did all they possibly could to annoy the hell out of you. They are like those annoying drunks at college that nobody likes but keep coming back to future parties anyways. I don't remember the last time three lead characters annoyed me so much in a horror film. How annoying were these characters? Well lets put it this way: when Andy Milonakis is your 4th most annoying character you know you've got problems. After about 10 minutes I couldn't wait for the trio to die and sticking out the last 80 minutes to see if that happened or not was pure torture. The only real good role was Joey Lawrence playing himself. And he only gets props because of a decent Bruce Willis impersonation.
The scares, just like the laughs, are non-existent. The gore is all off screen. Most of the kills don't even involve gore either. One death involved being sucked down a toilet and the person being crapped on which wasn't funny nor necessary. These are the types of childish and pointless kills to expect throughout this film. The only thing keeping me going was the hope of seeing Andy Milonakis, Joey Lawrence, and our three leads all bite the big one. I will not say who lived and who died, but it doesn't really matter as the kills aren't even worth the wait.
I really dont understand how Robert Englund came to be involved in this film but if it has anything to do with the love of the horror genre, then it makes me wonder how he truly feels about horror. This film was a step in the wrong direction for him as a filmmaker and the genre as a whole. Nothing more than 90 minutes of pure hell that tries to fill itself with as much pointless sex and dick & fart jokes as possible. Well news flash: theres no sex/nudity, the jokes are annoying and sound like they were written by a 3rd grader, and the horror is just plain horrible. I never thought I'd be asking this but it's the only thing left to say: "Robert Englund, can I get these 90 minutes of my life back?"