Alone in the Dark Review
Written by: Chad Langen
Videogame adaptations are out of control and the sad excuse for a director who’s behind them is none other than Uwe Boll. Let’s talk about Mr. Boll for a second. I mean who does this guy think he is? He made a complete disaster of what could have been a pleasurable horror film and by this I’m referring to “House of the Dead“. “The Matrix” style camera tricks worked only in (you guessed it) “The Matrix“. The script was completely bogus. How is it that these teens are able to find a bundle of weapons that are only seen in the armed forces? And last but not least, the acting. I can stand cheesy acting to an extent, but this was insulting. However, I’m not here to tell you about the film that “House of the Dead” could have been. I’m here to explain to you how Uwe Boll butchers yet another horror film this time entitled “Alone in the Dark“.
If you’ve ever played “Alone in the Dark” you know that it’s loads of fun. So why can’t the same thing be said about the film? Two words, Uwe Boll. The guy can’t even point the camera straight. He has no idea in his right mind as to what he is doing and to top things off he’s adapting “Bloodrayne” for the big screen. Sadly, although it’s an awesome gaming experience I have little hope that “Bloodrayne” will turn out even somewhat decent. Okay, I apologize for continuing to wonder off topic. Let’s me just cut to the chase, “Alone in the Dark” is crap, plain and simple. A good horror film has a point it’s trying to get across. “Alone in the Dark” is complete nonsense. There’s absolutely no excuse for what is taking place. “Alone in the Dark” is a greedy director out for cash. Oh, too bad the film flopped at the box-office.
The film opens with some lousy prologue about an ancient gate leading into the world of darkness. The narrator carries on and on about some 10,000 year old Native American civilization that had mysteriously vanished and a secret government agency experimenting on orphaned children. Fast forward a bit and Christian Slater enters the picture. Slater plays some paranormal investigator who evidentially was one of the hundreds of orphaned children being experimented on, so yes, the guy’s a little edgy. Anyway, this ancient gate has been opened and has apparently released a number of demonic creatures. Christian Slater teams up with Stephen Dorff to fight off the hungry beast and send them back to where they came from, hell. Oh, I almost forgot to mention Tara Reid’s role in the film. To be honest I don’t even remember the character she played. I do, however, recall that she was Christian Slater’s love interest but that’s neither here nor there. I’ve always thought Christian Slater was a somewhat talented actor and how he got tied up in the disaster is beyond me. The same can be said about Stephen Dorff. I had high respect for this guy, however after seeing “Alone in the Dark” my opinion has changed a bit. And Tara Reid, well there’s not much to say about her except the only publicity she deserves is on the Playboy channel as her performance compares very much to that of a porn star.
Moving on to the story, what a pile of crap, eh? The dialogue is over-dramatic and hardly believable. The actual story, I could hardly think straight. I had no idea what was going on and when I did it must been during the numerous trips I took to the restroom or concession stand. I must have blown 20 dollars as an excuse not to return to the film. Okay so maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but if I had the money to blow it would have been well worth it.
I don’t think I can say every bad word in the dictionary and fully express my opinion of Uwe Boll as a director. The guy doesn’t belong in Hollywood , end of story. How this guy got into the business will forever remain a mystery and how the man remains in the business is a pure tragedy to the history of cinema. If the guy wanted to bring the genre down he’s certainly doing a good job of it. Just a few words of advise Mr. Boll, (that is if you ever read this) stop while your ahead cause everything from here is downhill.
Really the only positive outcome the film had is the soundtrack which is where I’m guessing most of the budget for the film was spent because it damn sure wasn’t spent on the film. If you’ve seen “Alone in the Dark” then you know exactly what I’m talking about. The setting looks like something out of a Sci-Fi original movie. The creatures look similar to something I’ve seen out of Sesame Street when I was a little kid. I could go on and on, but I won’t. Why? Because it would be a waste of our time. “Alone in the Dark” is pointless. If you spend hard earned money to see this film I guarantee you that you’ll be hitting your self on the head after saying to yourself “What the fuck was I thinking”? My guess would be that “Alone in the Dark” will collect dust on video shelves in the years to come