Feast 3 Review
Written by: Meh
FEAST was genius. Feast 2 redefined what it meant to make a really bad movie. Feast 3 redefines the words. What the F***? Picking up moments after the end of Feast II: Sloppy Seconds, the survivors are saved by the mysterious prophet, Short Bus Gus, who seemingly has the ability to control the beasts.
He leads them into the sewers as they travel to the big city. Along the way they get help from karate expert Jean-Claude Seagal and learn that the beasts originate from a place called "The Hive." Armed with this knowledge, they decide to fight back and destroy the beasts once and for all.
The film is pretty much a continuation of Feast 2 with all the same characters and the same plot points. It goes nowhere 100 miles a minute and will make your head spin introducing characters on a dime, and snatching them out of the plot line just as fast. Its kinda like what I imagine watching street lights on the corner while doing METH must be like.
That said I gave FEAST 2 a 1 out of 10 and this one gets a four only because it at least took the story into a somewhat interesting angle by throwing every possible thing at you but the kitchen sink . I might even have to watch it again if I can suffer that much agony to see if there was a kitchen sink monster. FEAST was one of the coolest new monster movies ever made. PERIOD. It was bad ass, gorey and had more mutilation then a serial killers bath tub. Feast 3 is a b-movie cheese fest which defies every bit of logic and craps all over the genius of the original film. FEAST was scary, FEAST 2 was just plain lame and FEAST 3 has taken it into stupid b-movie festivities. I love b-movies but FEAST was not a b-movie so I did not go into Feast 3 expecting low brow b-movie shenanigans. Perhaps if I had I would have enjoyed Feast 3 more. I just went in hoping against hope to get a small spark of the magic of the first film.
Just like in Feast 2 you dont know who is good and who is bad and just like in Feast 2 you wont care. The magic of the first film is firmly dead with Feast 3 and the characters in this film just dont know it yet and are going through the paces. That said the blood and boobies and mindless dialogue are fun to a point. About the 15minute mark and then you wonder how many more boobs they can show you, how many more cliche deaths and how many more characters can possible come your way? The film is 1hour and 19 minutes so I had to use the help of the fast forward button to get to the end.
This movie is no longer about the monster and is instead about throwing as much 'what the f**k' moments at you as possible. I can only imagine the film was supposed to be tongue and cheek and somehow funny. But unfortunately it was just awful and wierd and just kept getting wierder by the second. How wierd? Why I am glad you ask. This movie not only features the beasts from Feast 2, it also features a mentally disabled guy who can make the monsters 'run away in terror'. Yeah he even wears a robe and thinks he is Jesus. It also features a ninja, a hybrid beast, a bunch of club kids who are allied somehow with the beasts and last but not least a giant 100 foot robot. Oh and it also has a dude singing in mexican at the end. Quite literally cuts to a mexican dude singing.... which was pretty much wrapping the whole film up with 'what the f**k?'
Seriously I did not make any of that up. Hell I even left off alot of stuff so in case you do watch this movie I dont completely ruin the movies what the fuck moments. The one good part of this movie which cant help salvage it is the really long fart jokes are gone, the monsters do look pretty bad ass but unfortunately cliche characters, a giant robot, a group of infected beast zombies, and a hybrid human / beast pretty much make this movie into a big muddled mess which I hope I will not have to watch again anytime soon. Perhaps if they had a killer gingerbread man I might have found some love for it but that seems to be the one thing they missed.
Now with that all out of the way it is worth pointing out that Feast 3 is all about frame of mind. Had I gone into this movie expecting some b-movie fun with lots of silly characters and some mindless gore I would have liked it. Because I keep going into the FEAST sequels expecting more of the first film it is why I keep being let down. Where the first one was dark, gorey and witty Feast 2 and 3 are low brow and cheesy. The one redeeming quality of this movie was the 'hero' character. Since we saw what happened in FEAST we knew what was coming in FEAST 3 when they introduce the hero and the way they handle him is both genius and funny. That one scene alone is also part of the reason I give the movie a 4 and not a 1 out of 10. Overall its a cheese fest and if you go in expecting that I think you might like this movie.
If you loved FEAST and hated Feast 2. You will hate Feast 3. If you loved FEAST and found Feast 2 amusing then you will enjoy Feast 3. Otherwise... take the hint and avoid this movie. Frankly it saddens me how bad Feast 2 and 3 are since the first movie was absolute GENIUS. If you want Feast 3 to entertain you I would suggest getting a copy, taking out the DVD and putting FEAST into its case and watching that instead. Feast for the 5th time is still better then FEAST 3 the first time.