Skeleton Key 2 Review
Written by: prddad
*WARNING: This review will have a high amount of profanity, very similar to the words I was using when I was watching this movie last night, regretting this movie coming into my Netflix que. End of warning*
To start off, when I saw this movie out there, I thought, 'Cool, a sequel to that decent movie starring the ever hot, always tasty Kate Hudson. You know, the woman where we all imagined running whip cream from her toes to her'...uh, oh, review, got it. Thanks MEH. But, turns out it was a sequel, of sorts. Not to that movie, but to another one, a movie called SKELETON KEY that came out one year after Kate's movie. This is that sequel. Granted, I never saw the first, and when I realized who the distributor was, the words I used were so vulgar, Andrew Dice Clay would be asking me to tone it down a bit...
Plot---quite frankly, I don't think there was one. Here's what netflix says: "Slick horror movie that centers on Harvey, a tabloid journalist who visits a village named Nilbog to save his captured photographer. But Harvey discovers that Nilbog is infested with strange, bright-blue zombies -- as well as scantily clad virgins." One: Harvey catches his woman sucking on another woman's nipple and walks away. ???????. NO question, NO yelling, just, "oh", and leaves. Then, when a zombie leprechaun (yeah, I fucking know) shows up, attacking Harvey, the woman who's breast was being fondled by the wife saves the day be placing a slice of pizza against the zombie-leprechaun's face. Laugh all you want to, I was fucking watching this!!! The missus next to me, laughing her ass off, and here I am, thinking I could be watching woman on woman cage fighting, but no, I get what I thought was a fucking sequel but turns out to be someone's joke.
Oh, oh, don't get me started on the 25 year old man that the movie kept cutting back to, talking in his high-pitched voice like a boy not-yet thru puberty. That, oh, son of a bitch!!! Fucking lord oh mighty, who the fuck, why do people give money to people to make movies like this???? I am use to movies that are done with video cameras, but this...???? Shoot me please if ever asked to star in a Brain Damage movie...wait, right there, BRAIN DAMAGE...the name says it all. You either have it or will fucking suffer it when watching their movies...
- Actors/Director---no one anyone knows, and if my curse works, no one will ever know either. Piece of shit...
- Nudity---granted, if you are looking for raw soft-porn, here you go. Brain Damage is only good for one thing: woman on woman action and women willing to be seen doing it. Otherwise, all crap...
- Gore---when a man leaves the screen, and what appears to be blood gets splashed against a wall shortly after, did that man die? Or did he throw a bucket of red paint against the wall, simulating blood?...
- CGI---their budget didn't even cover coffee...
- Scares---you fucking serious??? The one black guy went from a Jamaican accent to a Brooklyn accent in the same scene!!!...
Bottom line---I'd rather be sodomized by Ron Jeremy than to watch this crap again...I'd rather be kicked in the crotch by drugged out gang members than to watch this turd again...