Eden Log Review

Written by: yourmotheratemydog715   

"Eden Log" is the third film from the Six-Shooter Film Series I've seen.  The first two were "Let the Right One In" and "Timecrimes", both of which were amazing, and two of the best movies I've seen in a while. I figured that the rest of the entries in the Six-Shooter Film Series would be as strong as the first two. Boy, was I wrong.

I've stated before in my review of "Voices" (cheap plug: hey, you could go check out my review for Voices after you read this one) that I think one of the worst qualities a horror film can have is being dull. I mean, I'm all for taking time for character development or to create mood. But, when there's no character development, no mood and nothing at all happening, I can't help but hate the film.

And that's the main reason I hated "Eden Log". I knew it was a bad sign when the first eight minutes of the film are literally just some naked guy covered in mud crawling through a tunnel while a light flashes in the background. When he finally gets out of said tunnel, he walks around for another fifteen minutes doing absolutely nothing but walking around in dark corridors. When just about the entire first half-hour of your film is a guy walking around aimlessly, you know you have some pacing problems.

The naked guy then runs into some other guy who is apparently stuck to some wall who asks said naked guy to leave. I don't know who the hell this other guy who is stuck to a wall is, and it is never explained in the film. Then the naked guy runs into some creatures and walks around aimlessly for the next fucking hour until the movie is over. There, I saved you an hour and a half of your life. Don't watch "Eden Log".

The least the makers of the film could have done to make their film at least somewhat entertaining is to make the film's plot make at least some sort of sense. I literally have no idea what the hell happened the entire movie. I know that this guy has been dropped in this underground corridor, or at least I think it's an underground corridor, and he wants to find his way out. I also know there's some sort of creature thing, but these creature things don't do a hell of a lot the entire film either. They just kind of sit there and look menacing. Oh, and for some reason, this man is morphing into one of these creatures. I don't know why, he just is. And there's something to do with a tree. If none of this makes any sense to you, trust me, you're not alone.

I'm not going to go into much detail about "Eden Log". Truth be told, I think I've already repressed the bad memories of watching the movie. I barely remember anything other than screaming at the TV to get on with it. I think I must have spaced out because I was too busy thinking about how uneventful my life is that I can sit and waste ninety minutes of it watching pretentious crap that is apparently too good to explain to its viewers what the hell is happening.

I really hated this movie.

The only good aspect of the film is that it really does look good. There's some dazzling visuals here and there that make you think "wow, this could have actually been a good film if it wasn't so excruciatingly boring and nonsensical". Other than the visuals, I really can't think of anything positive to say about "Eden Log".

But hey. Maybe I'm wrong about "Eden Log". Maybe you'd enjoy watching it. I somehow feel like I missed something. I think that there's some sort of meaning or plot to the film, even though I don't know what the hell it might be. I'm also sure the film will appeal to some people and therefore I won't dismiss it as a piece of shit and a waste of your time. I'll just simply say that, for me, it was less of a movie than a test of my endurance, being so boring and nonsensical that it was almost daring me to turn it off and watch something else. The 98 minute running time seemed like 98 freaking hours. I'm going to stop rambling and say I really disliked "Eden Log", but it's very possible that I'm just an idiot with a very short attention span that doesn't understand art. So decide for yourself. 3 out of 10