Bitten (2008) Review

Written by: EasterBunnyKiller   

I watched Bitten the other day, having been interested about what all the fuss was about it on the forum. Now I understand. I think I can say with great certainty that no one will ever say that Bitten was a great movie. Although, I suppose that goes without saying, when your lead role is the guy who made his fame by saying "Snootchie Boochies."

Going in with this mindset really saved me some pain. This was one of those movies where the idea (I wouldn't be pretentious enough to refer to it as a concept... not for this film) was decent, but could have been made so much better.

Jason Mewes plays as a paramedic who stumbles upon a girl laying in an alley by his apartment, and starts to take care of her. And then, oh crap! She's a vampire. Well, not immediately then, more like thirty five dick and fart jokes, and about ten minutes worth of Mewes' friend telling him that he should stuff her.

This movie is pretty much a case of 'WTF!' inasmuch as it's a horror comedy, which usually means that they poke fun at the genre in some way. But no... Bitten is far too good for that.

That movie felt like the script could have only been written if Kevin Smith had a lobotomy (I realize that many fo you may think that his movies already seem like he has a lobotomy, and to that, I say... Go fuck yourrselves). Jason Mewes has never been a discerning actor, and I doubt that he will develop a significant amount of skill making films like this. But, to be fair, no one watches a film starring Jason Mewes expecting to see anything groundbreaking.

The girl in the film, Erica Cox, has to be the winiest bitch I've ever heard in my life. The high pitched tone to her voice when she was talking near the end made me want to cry. And no amount of tits shown in the movie is going to get that scrtatchy sound out of my fucking head.

Now that I've supremely shit over it as much as I can, let's look at the good. Ever want to hear Jason Mewes say that not everything is about getting ass? It's in there. Want a decent-looking chick who gets naked in practically every other scene? It's in there. Want to see Jason Mewes wrapping a corpse up in bubblewrap? Yes, it's in there too.

What Bitten lacked in story, acting talent, production value, and self respect (by some people's barometers), it makes up for it with the fact that the movie is fun. It doesn't take itself serious and Jason Mewes' verbal ejaculations are pricless.

Waht it comes down to is this: If you're looking for a high concept, well made horror film, look elsewhere. If you want to waste an hour and a half one a junk food movie, well Bitten are like Funyuns.