Zombies…. I love em. But what happens if you were to suddenly find yourself trapped in a George Romero movie. No longer are the scares on the boob-tube instead they are chasing you around your home. Survival isnt easy.
Slow moving zombies may not seem like a threat but when your the last person left alive and their are millions of em you can only run for so long. Eventually you grow tired, run out of tricks and become brain food for the walking dead. So here are some tips for survival.
Board Yourself in After the first outbreak
First and foremost when the dead walk the last place you want to be is on the streets walking amongst them. Going out in the street to check on friends or to look for a cop is a great way to end up as zombie bait. And escape, well yeah thats a joke after the start of the outbreak. As much as you might think you can pull off groaning and moaning pretending to be one of them you gotta be a real dipshit to try that.
When the dead walk you need to barricade yourself in your house and wait it out. Your house is not the best place to be stuck since you are very likely not equipped for a zombie attack but at least it keeps you safe while your neighbours become lunch and provide a great distraction for you to escape later. While your neighbours are running around getting ripped to shreds lay low, and when they are down and dinner thats your time to make a break for it. While the zombies are having chow its time to make a break to the walmart.
Head for your Local Walmart
Now any self serving zombie fan must know why I say the walmart. Its got limited entrances unlike a mall which has dozens of doors to barricade and god knows how many zombies trying on panties in the ladies change room. So a Walmart is way easier to lock down then a regular mall. Plus it has everything a mall has and more.
You got food, you got guns, you got ammo and you got all kinds of neat nick nacks that you can turn into all kinds of weapons. We will get into weapons later. It is likely at this point that you run into a rag tag group of other zombie survivors since we all know that their is never one survivor and even the dumbest of homosapiens know to go to the walmart for supplies. Just remember the Walmart may have lots of supplies for you and your new group to survive but that doesnt mean they all have to survive. We are afterall looking out for numero uno!
Hang out in a Medium Size Group
It is extremely important to never go anywhere alone. Whether your on the streets or in a locked down location going anywhere alone is just plain stupid. Whether your armed to the teeth or not you never want to be the lone wolf in a zombie encounter.
When you stumble through the dark into a pack of zombies last thing you want to do is be the only meal ticket. You want to make sure that through the power of math and by having a few others with you their are some odds you wont be dinner. You do this by having a medium sized group of 8-12 people with you wherever possible.
You do not want a small group and you sure as shit dont want a large group. A small group is bad because well the odds are against you not being dinner. You want to be sure there are at least 3 food stamps with you so that the rest of you can escape. Even more important you dont want a BIG group. You dont want to end up getting your own meal ticket stamped because the rest of your group stampedes in terror when you encounter a group of zombies and you trip over some dipshit or get tripped and end up part of the buffet. Medium group is key.
Keep the ‘Dumb Dumbs’ Close at Hand
You never want to be the smartest person in your group. Or let me rephrase. You want to be smart but you dont want others to know you are. Let somebody else be the leader. That way their bright ideas make them dinner and not you. Be the guy that is the ‘doer’ and no the ‘thinker’. That way folks dont turn to you to do anything insane.. like leave the walmart for a car, or getaway of some sort. Be the guy that watches from the roof for help or stockpiles food in various locations of the store. The muscle, not the brains but also not the enforcer. Your just average joe shoe salesman as far as your fellow survivors are concerned.
Important as well is to befriend the dumb dumbs and out of shape or old people. The stupider the better and the fatter the better. When the shit hits the fan the last thing you want is to be in a room full of trained killers or super athletes. If thats the case who do you think is the first meal? You want to be ready and willing to sacrifice members of your party one by one. Getting chased by a slew of zombies? Trip the fat kid! Trapped in a room with no sure escape? Send the dumb ass out to check if the coast is clear and then run in the opposite direction.
Guns are Great… but not ideal:
Guns are great. Who doesnt like the concept of a gun and blowing them zombies away. But lets not forget guns need ammo and they also need reloading. A shovel doesnt. Zombies are slow and even in the worst possible outbreak a shovel will do the trick nicely.
You never need to reload it and it takes little effort to swing it. Plus since it has a long handle you get to maintain distance between you and your bitey new friends. For this same reason a crow bar sucks. You have to get way to close to use it and well that makes you the dumb dumb of the group and means it wont be long before I ask you to go see if the coast is clear and ditch your ass. There are a variety of melee weapons that work great in a zombie outbreak but the shovel is without question the best.
Other choices include a car driven at high speed, a snow removal truck, or for more hands on fun a baseball bat or a chainsaw. Chainsaw is not ideal since you have to get chose but at least with the chainsaw you get to chop biteys face off. Just keep in mind that a chainsaw takes gas and that can get messy.
You need to find a Virgin:
I have no advice on how you find them but you need to. You must have a virgin above all else. Because at the end of the day you will survive. You will be the out who outlasts the zombies who eventually begin to rot and come apart and then your left alone in the world with the last remaining survivors. The absolute last thing you want to be stuck without is a virgin because the last thing you need is Herpes or worse after surviving a zombie apocalypse
If said victim happens to look like Emma Stone, bonus!