It’s been a long hard day. First you had to wake up at the crack of dawn to head out to your shitty job just so you could make enough money to be broke, then after work you go home to your apartment where you find out that your girlfriend has broken up with and has thrown all of your belongings off the balcony. Including your cat. (Luckily for you she left your computer alone ) While sitting around contemplating suicide, you suddenly get an idea. You decide to give your self a break from your hellacious life and go away on a nice long relaxing vacation, leaving your shitty job, psychotic girlfriend and splattered cat behind. So you take the gun barrel out of your mouth and call up all your friends and invite them to come along with you. They happily accept you invitation and you’re already packing your bags.(Which are currently laying in the streets) But there’s one little problem. You can’t decide where to go. Well, worry no more. I’m here to help you narrow down the places. Before you make a decision, you really need to read the list below and AVOID the locations on the list at all cost.
#5. The Utah Mountains (Don’t go in the Woods Alone): Benefits: Ah yes, the beautiful mountains of Utah. Thick beautiful green forests that give off a pleasant pinecone aroma, crystal clear lakes and streams perfect for swimming and best of all, peace and quiet. I know all of this sounds really good right now, but trust me when I say you should avoid the Utah mountains.
Why you should avoid: The Utah Mountains are home to many things. Deer, rabbits, squirrels, a couple of Militia groups and possibly a family of bigfoots. Oh……and a psychotic machete wielding maniac who kills any human being he crosses paths with. Including children and crippled people. But I guess you shouldn’t totally write off the Utah mountains. It’s a pretty big place, the odds of running into the killer are slim, and if you take that gun you had in your mouth earlier along with you for protection, you might be able to make it out alive. Can’t say the same about place # 4 though.
#4: The Island of Matool, located somewhere in the Caribbean (Zombie AKA Zombie2): Benefits: A beautiful isolated island surrounded by clear and shallow ocean waters. Due to the islands isolation(and a voodoo curse that makes the dead rise and eat the living) very few tourist visit the island. So you shouldn’t have to worry about anyone bothering you. All you have to do is sit back in the sunlight and drink beer and a variety of mixed drinks until you pass out. Or so you thought.
Why you should avoid: Unless you like having you eyeballs gouged out and your intestines munched on by the undead, you should avoid the island of Matool. To be completely honest with you no one is exactly sure why the dead wont stayed buried on the island. Some say it’s a voodoo curse, while others say it’s some sort of disease. I say who gives a damn? The dead are coming back and ripping peoples heads off for fucks sake! Just get the hell out of there. But if you ignore this warning and decide to venture on out to Matool and end up being eaten by zombies, just look at the Brightside, I’ll get to tell everyone that I knew someone that got eaten by zombies.
#3. Beautiful Brazil(Turistas): Benefits: Beautiful beaches, great surf spots and gorgeous women who can’t seem to keep their clothes on. Brazil is sounding pretty damn good about now, but before you pack up your swimsuit(please Deadhorse, no speedo this time) and buy your airline tickets, you should probably read why you should avoid beautiful Brazil.
Why you should avoid: So, you run into this really hot chick who for some reason keeps buying you drinks. Next thing you know she’s completely naked and you have her bent over a coffee table. So far you haven’t put much thought into why she was so quick to jump on you, and you never bothered to ask her what that white powdery stuff was she was pouring into you drink. You’re having the time of your life until all of the sudden you start to feel lightheaded and you black out. You wake up the next day in a bathtub full of ice and you have a very sharp nauseating pain in your side. Oh, and some guy named Pedro is walking around with a brand new Kidney. This is exactly what will happen to you if you ignore this warning. Organ harvesting is a bitch. Avoid the fuck out of Brazil.
#2. Cancun Mexico(The Ruins) : Benefits: Quotes from a actual Brochure: “Cancun is the ultimate vacation and resort destination whether your idea of a good time is surfing, kayaking, fishing and swimming or just laying in the tropical sun. Want to taste the Caribbean nightlife? Downtown Cancun is your hot spot, with numerous world famous bars and nightclubs that drive the night to the beat of everything from salsa and cumbia to club mixes and world sounds. Cancun is true Paradise!” I have to admit, that does sound like paradise…….but wait, they forgot to mention a little something.
Why you should avoid: I’ve read the entire brochure, and I’m sure that no where in it does it even briefly mention the flesh eating plants that burrow under your skin forcing extreme self mutilation upon it’s host. I’m sure they left this out by accident. This could only bring in more tourist. I know I look forwards to having to saw my own limbs off in order to stop a plant from devouring all of my organs. Not really. If I were you I would avoid Cancun Mexico. Unless you’re really big into horticulture.
#1. Lake Havasu(Piranha): Benefits: A Beautiful crystal clear lake that’s perfect for boating, swimming, fishing, scuba diving and about everything else you could possibly do on water. Not to mention that there are literally hundreds of topless drunk girls roaming around everywhere. There’s an unlimited amount of beer and sunshine. You would normally have nothing to worry about but……….
Why you should avoid: Turns out some drunken old man accidentally unleashed a whole school of prehistoric man eating piranhas upon the lake. One or more of the following things will happen to you if you enter said lake: You could possibly end up being cut in half, decapitated, skinned alive, scalped and they have been know to occasionally eat threw you body cavity and exit through your mouth. Or they might just bite off your penis and later vomit it back up. Either way your screwed if you enter the lake.
Other places you should avoid: Places that offer cabin rentals(Cabin Fever), All of Europe if possible(Hostel, Train,