Since teenagers and their mothers are treating vampires as if they are brand f**king new (they aren’t), our site Editor is forcing me to write an article about vampires (he said he would return my cat unharmed, and I really want to believe him).
Since I’m half wacked out on liquor and sharpies right now anyways, I feel that it would be a good time to take a discussion topic that has always been near and dear to my heart and write a fact filled and compelling piece on it. That topic is of course what it may be like to take some of our most beloved horror icons and drop them into a world filled with Vampires (see Meh! Vampires! Right there!).
So for the sake of my cat Charlotte, I would like to give you my thoughts on how five horror icons would do in a Battle Royale with vampires
Ash: Evil Dead
Arsenal: Shotgun and a chainsaw for a hand. Also see: Definition of a bad ass, there will be a picture of this guy.
Strategy: Ash is one of those soldiers that just gets thrown into battle and then uses his cunning and his surroundings to his advantage. A well documented past includes efficiency with the chainsaw and the shot gun as well as possibly demonic possession. All good things.
Body Count: How many are there? Well it doesn’t matter because Ash would dispose of them by day break with nothing but his pure manliness and deliciously punny (see what I did there?) one liners. This is of course if he doesn’t accidentally open up a time warp and head back into the time of feudal Japan (which from what I understand has a BUTT LOAD of vampires*).
Survival?: Chances are excellent despite the fact that Ash is still just a human with one hand. Then again, if there is any human who could handle the situation of taking down legions of vampires, its mother**kin’ Ash (I expect a lot of “Hollers” in the comments about that).
Freddy: A Nightmare on Elm Street
Arsenal: Gloves with long razor blade finger nails and the ability to kill you in your dreams.
Strategy: Freddy is kind of like the ninja of the horror icon world. When you are at your most vulnerable, Freddy comes into your subconscious, and hilarity ensues. Well it ensues for the viewer and of course Freddy… not you though, you probably died horrible and at the comic expense of others.
Body Count: Well assuming that vampires can dream, I think it would be a pretty fair fight in the dream realm between Freddy and a Vampire. That is of course if we are talking about physical attributes. Could Freddy just make the dream world a bright sunny day and kill the vampire? Would the Vampire still be immortal in the dream world? Lots of test and check will have to commence before a decision is made, I’ll be getting some interns on this right away**.
Survival?: I have to say like in most Nightmare on Elm Street flicks, Freddy chances of survival are pretty darn good. Not only is he invincible in the dream world, but he can go round for round with Jason in the real world. Hopes are high.
Jason: Friday the 13th
Arsenal: An overcompensating machete and his ability to not die.
Strategy: Jason doesn’t really have too much of a prerequisite list when it comes to how to kill Vampires. He would just chase them slowly and then attack cleverly through the floorboards or through the biggest plate glass window he could find. Come to think of it, Jason probably has a strategy in his head somewhere but it appears to be all improvisation. Improvisation against an otherworldly and unpredictable enemy is a great chocolate nougat on the Hershey Highway*** to success.
Body Count: This one is going to get messy. I would think that the vampires wouldn’t have much of an attack strategy, so they would probably swarm him (30 Days of Night style). Jason sure as hell doesn’t have a “running away” strategy either. Chaos and flying vampire body parts (or dust whatever) will ensue.
Survival?: High marks here are pointing to survival because essentially, Jason can’t turn, he only gets inconvenienced.
Reggie Bannister: Phantasm II
Arsenal: A slew of hardware including a Quad Barrel Shotgun. Probably by now he has figured out how to make one of those floating orb mirrors-with-a-face-excavating-drill-inside-of-it do his bidding.
Strategy: Reggie is all about the plan. There isn’t necessarily a situation that Reggie will jump right into unless he absolutely must. Considering that he has been surviving in a strange world with jawas, dead bodies, the billion regenerative tall men, and some weird vortex dimension; Vampires really aren’t the worst concern of his.
Body Count: High, Reggie Bannister is smart, elusive, and yet someone always appears as if the job in question is just too much for him to handle. However when all the chips are down, the bodies are decorating the walls, and those weird mirror orbs have been silenced… Bannister still stands. No reason to think that he wouldn’t here.
Survival?: Nothing can kill Reggie Bannister.
Arsenal: Alien hunting technology that tailors itself to whatever the plot needs to progress/look awesome. This includes lasers, hand mounted nukes, “chopping up people” nets, and it goes on….
Strategy: It’s a Predator, they just kill everyone and if necessary, themselves in the process.
Body Count: Everyone (see above)
Survival: Every flick I’ve seen with a Predator in it, at least one of them dies or blows up themselves and (almost) everyone else in the immediate area. There is a good change that no vampires will be left standing, but quite possibly at the expense of the Predator. There is however a small chance the Predator will be dead and some vapmpires will be left standing. *This is only if Danny Glover is a Vampire, of course.
All in all, every single one of these bad a$$ moFos could take on vampires. Maybe it’s because they are too busy brooding over one another or trying to take over the world that it just seems as if they are small potatoes compared to the reset of the horror world. Expect of course for Nosferatu, that guy is nothing to f**k with.