We have plenty of horror greats: Freddy Krueger, Jason Vorhees and Michael Myers to name an obvious few. But we wouldn’t know that they are the best unless we had villains on the other end of the spectrum to compare them with. Thus, we also have the worst – they’re birthed from the most arbitrary places, carry out the weirdest plans, and every kill is a cliché.
The worst are just as unforgettable as the best — here are my top 10 worst horror movie villains:
Jack Frost [Jack Frost, 1996]
Alright, are you ready for this? Everything is happy-go-lucky the week before Christmas in the small town of Snowmonton. That is, until a truck carrying convicted serial killer, Jack Frost, crashes into a genetics truck, fusing his body together with the snow on the ground.
You bet that happens. Genetic mutation aside, Jack still feels and decides to take out his revenge on the guy who caught him in the first place, but not before killing half of the town first, including a young Shannon Elizabeth. And the first time I saw this, instead of crushing her, I thought he was having sex with her in the shower, which prompted me to learn more about snowman anatomy, which is also when I learned that snowmen don’t have anatomy.
The Creeper [Jeepers Creepers, 2001]
Siblings on a road trip home for spring break decide to do the ‘scary movie shuffle’ and investigate a creepy truck driver tossing body bags into a sewer. Of course they get more than they bargained for!
Not that I don’t like the Jeepers Creepers franchise, I am a fan. But, did anyone else notice that we’re dealing with a horror villain/monster/thing that has wings and can obviously fly, but chooses to drive around in a truck with a vanity plate instead?
BEATINGU. Get it? Be Eating You? Give me a break. Think they caught on to this bit OOPS in the sequel, as the Creeper spends the majority of his time flying and snatching up his victims like he was intended to in the first place.
Martin [The Human Centipede II: Full Sequence, 2011]
This film doesn’t need an introduction, it also doesn’t deserve one. Literally, a piece of crap and it pains me to say that considering I’m such a fan of the first.
So you take away the plot, which really doesn’t exist anyways; take away the gore, which redefines the word “gratuitous” in a bad way, and you’re left with one wet rag of a groaning villain who makes having a horror movie obsession look like a bad thing.
I didn’t have the energy to keep up with his back story, and frankly, all I saw was a man in his 40’s with a dead end job and still living at home with a mother who clearly just wanted him to get the hell out. And I even had a hard time believing that enough to transport some sort of terror of a possible real life villain that I maybe cross paths with every day.
The Stuff [The Stuff, 1985]
A snack sensation takes over the world and threatens to put ice cream makers out of business, so industry tycoons bring a spy in to uncover the secret formula. Of course it’s bad for you, but you’re still going to eat it night and day like a moo-moo, because that’s what you’re supposed to do.
I love that this movie capitalizes on the whole consumers will consume anything, even if it will kill them. It’s obvious that the stuff is killing people, but folks are making money, which means they keep producing it, which means people keep EATING IT.
And the face of the villain is mutated ice cream? This is where things get dumb. I prefer to get slapped in the face when dealing with a film rooted on political or cultural commentary. Don’t sugar coat this; the enemy is industry, not mutated ice cream. Don’t make me hate my ice cream [I don’t hate ice cream].
The Ass Worm [Dreamcatcher, 2003]
A group of friends on a camping trip discover that the town they’re staying in is being taken over by aliens. I mean, I guess YOU can call them aliens. I call them ass worms. Parasitic ass worms.
I’ll admit that this may well work in book form, especially if it’s written by Stephen King. But on screen, all I see are parasitic, TELEPATHIC, ass worms that colonize in the human body, and terrorize a group of friends, impeccably cast, and deserving of a better monster.
Sound familiar? Remember the end of “IT”. Yeah, I’m done.
The Gingerdead Man [The Gingerdead Man, 2005]
Crazed killer, MILLARD FINDLEMEYER, gets caught and is sentenced to death by electric chair. His ashes are then sent to his mother, who happens to be a WITCH that decides to avenge her son’s death by mixing his ashes into a gingerbread mix and sending it to the survivors of his recent massacre.
And of course they just so happen to own a bakery, and bake the mysterious mix, wouldn’t you? Next thing you know, we have a humongous killer gingerbread man, voiced by Gary Busey, running around and killing people with icing and baking utensils.
It’s a well thought out mess, but I will never be able to take a serial killer gingerbread man serious, even with two sequels. If you haven’t seen this, don’t plan on doing it in the near future, and are looking for a good time, read its plot on its Wikipedia page. Its 5 minutes of your life well spent.
The Dentist [The Dentist, 1996]
When Beverly Hills dentist Dr. Feinstone learns that his vapid wife is cheating on him, he takes out his revenge by performing some nasty oral surgery on her. And as it goes with all revenge movies, ever, he continues his mouth massacre, taking his frustration out on his poor patients, including and IRS agent who catches on to the foul play.
So let me get this straight, this amazing dentist who has spent years developing this successful business, is going to throw it all away on his poor choice of a life partner and the pool boy? Come on. Movies that turn dentists into villains/killers create more laughs than scares.
The Hands [Idle Hands, 1999]
So, a stoner teenager is soo lazy, and well… “Idle”… that his hand become possessed by the devil and kills people? Poor Devin Sawa, running around on the screen like a damned fool with a hand that has a severe case of ADD. Garbage.
Oh, and the movie knew it was garbage. You can tell by the amount of time it invests developing characters for the hand to kill. It feels like it’s meant to distract you that there is even a villain at all.
Gah, this frustrates me! What a waste of 90’s teen horror.
Killer Tomatoes [Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, 1979]
“This isn’t blood, this is tomato juice.” OK. Honestly, the movie is a great because it’s one long drawn out spoof of horror movies about everyday objects becoming sentient [i.e.: Jaws, The Birds]. But why tomatoes?
I bet the writers sought out to find the most harmless, least thought about object ever when creating their villain. Good thing they didn’t choose peanuts, we see what they can do now right? Sorry, bad joke.
Killer Klowns [Killer Klowns from Outer Space, 1988]
A group of clowns from outer space come to the earth to harvest people by cocooning them in cotton candy, to eat later. But never fear — here comes the ice cream truck to save the day!
These clowns are aloof, goofy, and use weapons of mass destruction disguised as carnival loot like balloons and popcorn. And I know that not a single part of this movie was made to intentionally be taken seriously. Which in a way is a missed opportunity considering how many people are so scared of clowns. But what were they supposed to do – actually make a serious movie about killer clowns… from outer space? I just wish I could have been a fly on the wall during pre-production. “… and the popcorn will be everywhere, and the cocoons are cotton candy… and don’t forget about the exploding balloons. YES.”
The Unexplained Neurotoxin [The Happening, 2008]
An unexplained neurotoxin makes people commit suicide and spreads as quickly as it dissolves over the entire East Coast. Somewhere in there, there’s a plot with story lines, I forget it though.
Seriously, what the hell was this? And what fear am I supposed to conquer… maybe stabbing myself with a knitting needle while sitting in the park?
And to top it off, the abrupt ending makes it feel like even Shayamalan got bored with his own villain. He credits it to his attempt to make a b-film, which is bull crap considering even the worst b-films take the time to tie it all together in the end.