The day is finally among us.The day that all horror fans dream of. Yes, I’m talking about Z-Poc. The day where almost all of Earths population is turned into ravenous brain munching zombies who want nothing more than to turn your internal organs into lunch.Ok, it’s too good to be true. Z-poc isn’t among us.(Yet) So use that dark, terrifying abyss you call your mind and imagine it is for a moment.(I know you do it all the time anyways) Imagine the world around you is being mercilessly consumed by the living dead. As the people around you are being eaten alive, you carelessly sit back and laugh and point at all of the fools who haven’t been watching zombie films(training videos as us horror fans call them) for the last twenty years like you have.
Your obsessive studying has finally paid off. You know exactly what to do in this situation, so will have no problems surviving Z-Poc. Thanks to your years of “training”, you will coast through Z-Poc like it’s a walk in the park. That and the fact that you have seven extremely badass movie characters helping you out along the way will make surviving Z-Poc as easy as beating the first level of the original Mario Brothers. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about you need to crawl the fuck out from under the rock you’ve been living under for the last twenty eight years and go play Mario.
Below are the seven movie characters I’ve chosen to help me kick ungodly amounts of undead ass during Z-Poc.
Note: You may notice that no superhero’s made my list. Although many superhero’s would be very effective at dismantling zombies, I’ve chosen to leave them off. Mainly because I’m not walking around with any man who wears tights. That shit just isn’t cool. Not even during the zombie apocalypse.
#7. Mclovin (Superbad) Why he would make great sidekick – I know what you’re thinking. “Suspiria has officially lost his mind”; Well yeah, I have lost my mind, but not because I’ve chosen Mclovin as one of my sidekicks during Z-Poc. Let me explain myself. During the zombie apocalypse the world around you will me a somber wasteland full of either walking corpses who want to destroy you, or horribly mutilated corpses who litter the deserted streets around you. As you can imagine, it will be a depressing place. You’re going to need something to cheer you up and make you smile every once in a while(besides the zombies) or you will eventually lose your will to survive. Who better to do that than one of the funniest movie characters of all time? Not only his he hilarious, but he’s pretty damn good with a gun. So while he’s entertaining you, he can also be blasting the living dead. How awesome is that? “Break Yo Self Fool!”
Flaws – As hilarious as he his, he obviously has a few flaws. He probably has no athletic ability at all, and during the zombie apocalypse you’re going to have to be able to haul some serious ass every now and then. So he probably won’t last very long. But while he’s around, he will definitely keep your spirit up.
#6. Ash (Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness – duh) Why he would make a great sidekick- I started not to include Ash on my list, but since everyone on HM is a huge Ash fan I decided to include him to prevent an uprising. Plus I think he would fair pretty well during Z-Poc. I mean the man has fought several different types of Monster and Demons in more than one dimension. That alone gives him more than enough qualification to take on a few zombies. Not to mention that he’s a true artist when comes to killing things with chainsaws and shotguns. It sure as hell couldn’t hurt having him by your side during Z-Poc.
Flaws – Ash seems like a pretty cool guy; but sometimes he does come across as a little crazy and unstable. But I guess we would too if we would have had to gone through some of the shit he’s been through. This isn’t a big problem though. If he starts to get out of control just stand back and let him do his thing until he calms down.
#5. River Tam (From the amazing but short lived T.V. show(Fuck you Fox) Firefly and the movie Serenity) Why she would make a great sidekick- For all intent and purposes, River is kind of a laboratory experiment gone horribly wrong. We don’t know what exactly happened, but it seems that “The Academy” pretty much filleted her brain in an attempt to make some sort of a super assassin or spy. But with the help of her brother she escaped. What we do know is that because of all of the experiments that were performed on her she is now the most badass thing in the galaxy. Capable of amazing hand to hand combat and awesome with a gun,(she can literally shoot you with her eyes closed) River would be capable of killing hundreds of zombies at a time. And on top of that she’s a great dancer. That has to count for something.
Flaws – Due to the same experiments that made her badass, she is very temperamental. One minute she’s fine, and the next she might brachial stun you. Plus no matter how badass she is, she’s still just a human. One bite from a zombie and she’ll be a member of the undead. A very sexy member of the undead. (Which are still dangerous by the way)
#4. Selene (Underwold, Underwold Evolution) Why she would make a great sidekick – She’s a vampire. She has amazing physical abilities and she’s armed with state of the art weaponry. She so badass she hunts werewolves in her spare time. Those undead bastards won’t know what hit them. Plus, look at her. Do I even need to say it?
Flaws – Well, she’s a vampire. She’s going to have to have blood to drink. So unless she likes the way that rotting zombie blood taste, you’re on the menu. Also, I’m not sure exactly what would happen on the off chance that she does get bitten by a zombie. I don’t think she’s capable of being turned into a zombie, but I don’t know for sure. If she does become a zombie, then you’ll have to deal with a zombie vampire. Consider yourself fucked at that point.
#3.Jason Bourne (The Bourne trilogy) Why he would make a great sidekick- First off, it might seem strange that I put Jason Bourne ahead of a super assassin and a vampire. The reason for this is because he is much more trustworthy. He’s not going to drink your blood and he’s not going to just all of the sudden kill you for no reason at all. (Although I can’t completely rule out the brachial stunnings.) Not only is he trustworthy, but he’s also highly intelligent, and he just so happens to be one of best fighters on the planet. He’s also the master of improvised weapons. The man could kill you with nothing more than a inch long piece of thread and a smile.
Flaws – the only flaw is that he’s human. But he doesn’t have any superpowers or anything. So if he becomes a zombie just go ahead and put him down. (In a respectable manner of course)
#2. Predator (From….yep, you guessed it. Predator) Why he would make a great sidekick – I know it might seem crazy to team up with a Predator, but it’s been done before(AVP). Just because they like to come down to earth and slaughter us like cattle doesn’t mean there not capable of showing a little compassion. Since the Predators do enjoy hunting us so much, they would be devastated if all of us were wiped out by zombies. So eventually they would intervene and help out the human survivors. When they do, I want one on my team. Armed with highly advanced weaponry, they will easily be able to annihilate any zombies that cross their path.
Flaws – Because they are from a different planet, there is going to be one hell of a communication problem. Communication out in the field is going to be nearly impossible. But, in ‘Predator 2’, one did manage to say “Shit Happens”. So with a little hard work and patience, I should be able to get him speaking English in no time.
#1. Terminator (Terminator, Terminator 2, Terminator 3, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles) I like to pretend part 4 doesn’t exist. Why he/she would make a great sidekick – Think about it. A Terminator is a perfect zombie killing machine. There super strong, smart, fast, loyal and there made of metal. No matter how many times they’re bitten they can’t be turned into a zombie. There’s no way a Terminator can be harmed by a zombie. Plus you have several different models to choose from. In a way there kind of like cars. (Unfortunately Terminators don’t come with warranties) There’s a lot of different models and they all differ from one another. I would love to write out a list of all the different Terminator models and how they differ, but that would be taking geekyness to levels previously never seen by the world before and I really don’t need nor want another reason to hate myself. So for now I’m just going to stick with your basic Terminator model.
Flaws – Only one. The rare, but very problematic chip malfunction. As seen in the awesome but short lived T.V. show. (Once again, fuck you Fox) But this very rarely happens, so I’m not really worried about it.
Well there you have it. My Z-Poc team will be: A funny nerd, Vampire, Spy, Alien, Cyborg and whatever the hell River is. Oh, and Ash. Which movie character will choose to help you survive the Zombie Apocalypse?