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7 Movie Characters You Want on Your Side During & Zombie Apocalypse

Suspiria_89 43 Comments

The day is finally among us.The day that all horror fans dream of. Yes, I’m talking about Z-Poc. The day where almost all of Earths population is turned into ravenous brain munching zombies who want nothing more than to turn your internal organs into lunch.Ok, it’s too good to be true. Z-poc isn’t among us.(Yet) So use that dark, terrifying abyss you call your mind and imagine it is for a moment.(I know you do it all the time anyways) Imagine the world around you is being mercilessly consumed by the living dead. As the people around you are being eaten alive, you carelessly sit back and laugh and point at all of the fools who haven’t been watching zombie films(training videos as us horror fans call them) for the last twenty years like you have.

Your obsessive studying has finally paid off. You know exactly what to do in this situation, so will have no problems surviving Z-Poc. Thanks to your years of “training”, you will coast through Z-Poc like it’s a walk in the park. That and the fact that you have seven extremely badass movie characters helping you out along the way will make surviving Z-Poc as easy as beating the first level of the original Mario Brothers. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about you need to crawl the fuck out from under the rock you’ve been living under for the last twenty eight years and go play Mario.

Below are the seven movie characters I’ve chosen to help me kick ungodly amounts of undead ass during Z-Poc.

Note: You may notice that no superhero’s made my list. Although many superhero’s would be very effective at dismantling zombies, I’ve chosen to leave them off. Mainly because I’m not walking around with any man who wears tights. That shit just isn’t cool. Not even during the zombie apocalypse.

#7. Mclovin (Superbad) Why he would make great sidekick – I know what you’re thinking. “Suspiria has officially lost his mind”; Well yeah, I have lost my mind, but not because I’ve chosen Mclovin as one of my sidekicks during Z-Poc. Let me explain myself. During the zombie apocalypse the world around you will me a somber wasteland full of either walking corpses who want to destroy you, or horribly mutilated corpses who litter the deserted streets around you. As you can imagine, it will be a depressing place. You’re going to need something to cheer you up and make you smile every once in a while(besides the zombies) or you will eventually lose your will to survive. Who better to do that than one of the funniest movie characters of all time? Not only his he hilarious, but he’s pretty damn good with a gun. So while he’s entertaining you, he can also be blasting the living dead. How awesome is that? “Break Yo Self Fool!”

Flaws –  As hilarious as he his, he obviously has a few flaws. He probably has no athletic ability at all, and during the zombie apocalypse you’re going to have to be able to haul some serious ass every now and then. So he probably won’t last very long. But while he’s around, he will definitely keep your spirit up.

7 Movie Characters You Want on Your Side During & Zombie Apocalypse

#6. Ash (Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness – duh) Why he would make a great sidekick-  I started not to include Ash on my list, but since everyone on HM is a huge Ash fan I decided to include him to prevent an uprising. Plus I think he would fair pretty well during Z-Poc. I mean the man has fought several different types of Monster and Demons in more than one dimension. That alone gives him more than enough qualification to take on a few zombies. Not to mention that he’s a true artist when comes to killing things with chainsaws and shotguns. It sure as hell couldn’t hurt having him by your side during Z-Poc.

Flaws – Ash seems like a pretty cool guy; but sometimes he does come across as a little crazy and unstable. But I guess we would too if we would have had to gone through some of the shit he’s been through. This isn’t a big problem though. If he starts to get out of control just stand back and let him do his thing until he calms down.

7 Movie Characters You Want on Your Side During & Zombie Apocalypse

 

#5. River Tam (From the amazing but short lived T.V. show(Fuck you Fox) Firefly and the movie Serenity) Why she would make a great sidekick-  For all intent and purposes, River is kind of a laboratory experiment gone horribly wrong. We don’t know what exactly happened, but it seems that “The Academy” pretty much filleted her brain in an attempt to make some sort of a super assassin or spy. But with the help of her brother she escaped. What  we do know is that because of all of the experiments that were performed on her she is now the most badass thing in the galaxy. Capable of amazing hand to hand combat and awesome with a gun,(she can literally shoot you with her eyes closed) River would be capable of killing hundreds of zombies at a time. And on top of that she’s a great dancer. That has to count for something.

Flaws – Due to the same experiments that made her badass, she is very temperamental. One minute she’s fine, and the next she might brachial stun you. Plus no matter how badass she is, she’s still just a human. One bite from a zombie and she’ll be a member of the undead. A very sexy member of the undead. (Which are still dangerous by the way)

7 Movie Characters You Want on Your Side During & Zombie Apocalypse

#4. Selene (Underwold, Underwold Evolution) Why she would make a great sidekick – She’s a vampire. She has amazing physical abilities and she’s armed with state of the art weaponry. She so badass she hunts werewolves in her spare time. Those undead bastards won’t know what hit them. Plus, look at her. Do I even need to say it?

Flaws – Well, she’s a vampire. She’s going to have to have blood to drink. So unless she likes the way that rotting zombie blood taste, you’re on the menu. Also, I’m not sure exactly what would happen on the off chance that she does get bitten by a zombie. I don’t think she’s capable of being turned into a zombie, but I don’t know for sure. If she does become a zombie, then you’ll have to deal with a zombie vampire. Consider yourself fucked at that point.

7 Movie Characters You Want on Your Side During & Zombie Apocalypse

#3.Jason Bourne (The Bourne trilogy) Why he would make a great sidekick- First off, it might seem strange that I put Jason Bourne ahead of a super assassin and a vampire. The reason for this is because he is much more trustworthy. He’s not going to drink your blood and he’s not going to just all of the sudden kill you for no reason at all. (Although I can’t completely rule out the brachial stunnings.) Not only is he trustworthy, but he’s also highly intelligent, and he just so happens to be one of best fighters on the planet. He’s also the master of improvised weapons. The man could kill you with nothing more than a inch long piece of thread and a smile.

Flaws – the only flaw is that he’s human. But he doesn’t have any superpowers or anything. So if he becomes a zombie just go ahead and put him down. (In a respectable manner of course)

7 Movie Characters You Want on Your Side During & Zombie Apocalypse

#2. Predator (From….yep, you guessed it. Predator) Why he would make a great sidekick – I know it might seem crazy to team up with a Predator, but it’s been done before(AVP). Just because they like to come down to earth and slaughter us like cattle doesn’t mean there not capable of showing a little compassion. Since the Predators do enjoy hunting us so much, they would be devastated if all of us were wiped out by zombies. So eventually they would intervene and help out the human survivors. When they do, I want one on my team. Armed with highly advanced weaponry, they will easily be able to annihilate any zombies that cross their path.

Flaws – Because they are from a different planet, there is going to be one hell of a communication problem. Communication out in the field is going to be nearly impossible. But, in ‘Predator 2’, one did manage to say “Shit Happens”. So with a little hard work and patience, I should be able to get him speaking English in no time.

7 Movie Characters You Want on Your Side During & Zombie Apocalypse

#1. Terminator (Terminator, Terminator 2, Terminator 3, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles) I like to pretend part 4 doesn’t exist. Why he/she would make a great sidekick – Think about it. A Terminator is a perfect zombie killing machine. There super strong, smart, fast, loyal and there made of metal. No matter how many times they’re bitten they can’t be turned into a zombie. There’s no way a Terminator can be harmed by a zombie. Plus you have several different models to choose from. In a way there kind of like cars. (Unfortunately Terminators don’t come with warranties) There’s a lot of different models and they all differ from one another. I would love to write out a list of all the different Terminator models and how they differ, but that would be taking geekyness to levels previously never seen by the world before and I really don’t need nor want another reason to hate myself. So for now I’m just going to stick with your basic Terminator model.

Flaws – Only one. The rare, but very problematic chip malfunction. As seen in the awesome but short lived T.V. show. (Once again, fuck you Fox) But this very rarely happens, so I’m not really worried about it.

7 Movie Characters You Want on Your Side During & Zombie Apocalypse

Well there you have it. My Z-Poc team will be: A funny nerd, Vampire, Spy, Alien, Cyborg and whatever the hell River is. Oh, and Ash. Which movie character will choose to help you survive the Zombie Apocalypse?

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43 Comments

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      1. HorrorMovies April 3, 2011 at 11:53 pm

        easily your best piece yet Suspiria. I for one think River Tam is your best choice she is a complete BAD ASS

      2. Zombi_Bites April 4, 2011 at 12:11 am

        You like to pretend Terminator 4 doesn’t exist, I like to pretend Terminator 3 doesn’t exist.

        • HorrorMovies April 4, 2011 at 1:41 am

          i gotta agree terminator 3 was a really bad movie.

      3. Suspiria_89 April 4, 2011 at 3:04 am

        I agree, Terminator 3 also sucks. The main reason I hate part four is because of Christian Bale and the PG-13 rating.

      4. thedeadshallrule April 4, 2011 at 3:26 pm

        I love your writing style!!! Great choices:)

      5. Pavel_Korotinskiy April 4, 2011 at 4:50 pm

        Cameron Philips + River Tam my bet

      6. Aidan13 April 4, 2011 at 9:38 pm

        River Tam…oh yeah

      7. Ron Nocella April 5, 2011 at 1:08 am

        Id have to also have Alice and Jill Valentine from the RE films. And perhaps Claire Redfield… and K-Mart just cause shes a cutie pie. lol

      8. Googoppy April 5, 2011 at 11:22 am

        Some of those flaws were really funny lol Nice article

      9. TheTripper April 6, 2011 at 6:20 pm

        Great Article, funny too.

      10. Jooohny April 7, 2011 at 12:26 am

        If you’re going to add Terminator to your list why not go ahead with the ultimate robot to help in a Z-poc sit. Optimus f*cking Prime!

      11. kaine July 6, 2011 at 3:31 pm

        there is only two people you will need Alice and Claire redfield from resident evil. Alice cannot become a zombie and she had powers. She is also great with a gun/melee weapon. Claire Redfield is amazing with a gun and is also trained with a vast amount of knowledge at martial arts. The only downside is she is a human but one BADASS BITCH

      12. Aj Breezy November 14, 2013 at 11:36 pm

        I’d love to have Alice from resident evil and Ash from evil dead on my side

      13. Abe Stark November 14, 2013 at 11:38 pm

        Ash, batman, michonne, daryl, terminator,,

      14. Keith Burton November 14, 2013 at 11:38 pm

        Ash and his BOOM Stick

      15. Abe Stark November 14, 2013 at 11:39 pm

        Danaerys, Robocop

      16. Salvidon Blak November 14, 2013 at 11:48 pm

        no Buffy?

      17. Michael Malott November 14, 2013 at 11:52 pm

        I would take Tyrese over anybody take what he did to the walkers

      18. Michael Malott November 14, 2013 at 11:55 pm

        as for Mclovin, I would shot him the leg to detract the zombie via Shane bitch!!

      19. Paul Goad November 14, 2013 at 11:56 pm

        The seven dwarves.Easy throw n zombie food.

      20. Jan Rester November 15, 2013 at 12:08 am

        That guy from equilibrium!

      21. Mike Buckendorf November 15, 2013 at 12:11 am

        River Tam, Batman, Captain America, Iron Man.

      22. Joe Minicilli November 15, 2013 at 12:15 am

        The priest from Dead Alive.

        • Kyle Karnan November 15, 2013 at 4:31 pm

          i kick ass for the lord!

      23. Joe Minicilli November 15, 2013 at 12:19 am

        Oh yeah, and Bilbo Baggins.

      24. Kevin Uy November 15, 2013 at 12:19 am

        Alice from resident evil

      25. Kevin November 15, 2013 at 12:23 am

        1. Alice – Resident Evil – Nobody Kills zombies better
        2. River Tam – Serenity – Nuff Said
        3. Riddick – Pitch Black – Scary and kickass all at the same time
        4. Frank Martin – The Transporter – To drive and survive
        5. Ripley – Alien – The Queen of female badassery
        6. Hannibal Smith – The A-Team – You gotta have a plan
        7. Number 6 – I Am Number Four – cuteness factor, sexy accent plus ability to shield me from harm.

      26. Amy November 15, 2013 at 12:58 am

        Where’s Alice ?!

      27. DiZams DX November 15, 2013 at 1:08 am

        Brad pitts the rock…

      28. Ron Watkins November 15, 2013 at 3:02 am

        Ash,neo(matrix), iron man and thor,she hulk and reg hulk,punisher

      29. Marigen Beltran November 15, 2013 at 3:34 am

        I dont think a vampire can be turned into a zombie, they are already dead

      30. Jeff Carthan November 15, 2013 at 4:31 am

        Superman wolverine hulk juggernaut michionne wonder woman

      31. Chuva November 15, 2013 at 8:37 am

        I have one.

        Hermione

      32. Kyle Karnan November 15, 2013 at 4:24 pm

        serenity?

      33. Kyle Karnan November 15, 2013 at 4:30 pm

        if they were gonna use characters from non horror movies, i would have said mr. smith from shoot em up. guys a badass. “eat your vegetables”.

      34. BlondeRobynGirl November 17, 2013 at 11:23 pm

        This is a very hard decision, but I agree with you on Ash. Definitely a great guy to have on my zombie apocalypse team. I know you didn’t include Batman, but I would want him too- as long as it’s Christian Bale as Batman. He’s awesome… and I could just watch him fight zombies all day, it’d be wonderful. I would also want four tv characters- Buffy and Spike from Buffy The Vampire Slayer (because they can fight anything, Spike is uber gorgeous and I need an awesome woman on my team!), Sam from Supernatural (because he’s strong, smart and OMG gorgeous) and Rick from The Walking Dead, seeing as he already has zombie fighting experience… and I love him too. That would be my amazingly super awesome badass zombie apocalypse team. ;)

      35. Z-Poc January 8, 2014 at 1:32 pm

        1. T-X ( terminator 3)
        2. SUPERMAN! Nuff said
        3. Trevor from GTA 5
        4.Thor
        5. Kratos
        6. Master Cheif
        7. Spawn

        Find a better team than that. FYI I could handle the Z Poc single handedly but i would need some company :)

      36. Ben Kasten January 8, 2014 at 4:02 pm

        My choices would be:
        1. Roy Batty from Blade Runner
        2. Vasquez from Aliens
        3. River Tam
        4. Peter from Dawn of the Dead (1978)
        5. Dutch from Predator
        6. The Goon
        7. Judge Dredd

      37. azram January 8, 2014 at 4:14 pm

        I would rather have Sam Worthingtons character “Marcus” from T4. He has all of the powers of a Terminator with a Human brain.

      38. Catalyst January 9, 2014 at 1:06 am

        1. The Dude in the suit from Rampage.
        2. Clare from Claymore.
        3. The Vault Hunter.
        4. The Dragonborn.
        5. Soap Mctavish.
        6. Nathan Drake.
        7. Major Motoko Kusanagi from Ghost in a shell.
        Gotta think survival and resourcefulness too.

      39. Dustin January 9, 2014 at 5:55 pm

        Tallahassee & Columbus from Zombieland should be on this list.

      40. Dustin January 9, 2014 at 5:57 pm

        Hit-Girl too!

      41. Ryan B January 19, 2014 at 10:20 pm

        Terminator, Spartan-117, Robocop, Dark Knight, Hulk, Ironhide, Tallahassee and a Minion from Despicable Me. Pure death in many forms and a yellow thing haha